Chapter 1
It was nearly dark in the room, just like outside. It was raining. It was silent in the room. Her room.
There were two pictures in frames standing on her bedside table. Both frames were light pink. The only color in the room so it seemed.
One of Rory and one of Luke. The table was white and grey and had wheels, like the other thousands in this building.
The bed was white and grey and had wheels, like the other thousands in this building.
The walls were white. Only white.
But her skin was grey. More black around her eyes, but grey in general. Sometimes more white, but today it was grey.
She hadn´t seen them in months, hadn´t spoken to them in months. But it was better this way. Better for them. Not for her. But it wasn´t the only thing that was killing her, so she told herself it didn´t really matter.
The last time she had seen them should have been the happiest day of her life. Of their life. Their life together.
âMom, are you ready? Everyone is here! They are all waiting for you!â Rory was shouting. âYes, I am! Come in!â she shouted back, screaming louder than the voice in her head that kept telling her âYou can´t do this!â.
When Rory entered the room she looked stunned at her mother. She had seen the perfect dress many times before, but never on her mother. The cream white skirt and the flowers on the camisole. She had decided against the veil and wore a tiara instead.
And it really was perfect. Not only the dress. Everything. It was a beautiful day in September, it was warm but not hot. The whole town was outside in the garden of the Dragonfly waiting for the bride. Emily sat next to Mia in the front row while Richard was waiting in front of the door to walk his only daughter down the isle. He was chatting with April who was, like Rory, one of the bridesmaids about books and science. Luke was waiting under the chuppah, Jess trying to calm him in the function of the best man. Everything was perfect, maybe too perfect.
âWow, you´re so beautiful!â Rory said and hugged her mother.
âThank you!â Lorelai forced a smile and ignored the voice in her head once more.
âYou´re ready?â Rory asked again, her mothers hands still in her own. âYou can´t do this to himâ the voice in Lorelai´s head said again. She hesitated a moment. Then she reassured herself: She couldn´t tell her daughter either.
âYeah, let´s go!âshe said then and they walked out of the room she had used to get ready. Leaving her normal clothes, her purse and shoes behind. Her old life.
She felt blinded by the sunlight outside and blinked before she could make out her father and April.
âLorelaiâ Richard smiled warmly and took her arm. He squeezed it, but didn´t get any reaction from her. Maybe she was just too nervous.
The music started and together they walked down the isle, towards the man she loved, but she couldn´t look at him. She focused on the way, careful not to trip. She heard gasps and whispers, even some sniffles, but couldn´t concentrate on them. The voice in her head was getting louder and louder.
Then she stood next to him. Her father kissed her cheek and gave her hand to her fiancé, who laced his fingers through hers. The priest started his speech, but she wasn´t paying attention.
This should be the happiest day of her life and she had been waiting forever for it to arrive.
First because Rory had been crazy and dropped out of Yale, then because of the whole April thing. Nearly it would have been their end, when they had stopped to talk to each other. But they had re-learned it and now here they were.
She wanted nothing more then to marry him, to be his wife until the end of time.
âYou cant do that to himâ the voice said again.
Since she had got the call yesterday, right before her bachlorette-party, this voice was in her head, telling her the same thing over and over.
It had been a scare, nothing more, but now it was reality and after the call she had thrown up, because of the shock. She had wanted to run to him and tell him. Make him reassure her that everything would be fine. But when he had walked through the door, kissing her and wishing her a nice evening she just couldn´t. She couldn´t tell him, she couldn´t do this to him. It would kill him, just like it would kill her and she wouldn´t be able to forgive herself.
âI doâ she heard him say and suddenly realized that it was her turn now. She saw that the priest opened and closed his mouth,without hearing him, then looked at her expectantly. She looked at him, then turned and looked at Luke for the first time.
He wore his black tux. He was shaven. He wore a white dress-shirt. No cap. He had a new hair-cut. Very short. He looked so amazing. Perfect. And he was smiling. At her, just for her. Her eyes teared up and she crasped his hand so tight it must hurt him. But his smile got wider and he whispered âI love youâ. That´s when she knew for sure. She couldn´t do that to him.
âNo!â she whispered back, his smile froze. A tear left her eye and she said it again, louder this time.
âNo! No! No!â her voice cracked and she shook her head along with the words she wasn´t able to say anymore and the tears which were streaming down her face.
She saw Luke´s eyes open wide in shock, the smile leaving his face, like the color. That´s when she pulled her hand away, took one last look at him and then she ran. She ran through the garden and the hotel, out the door and to her car. When she pulled out of the driveway she heard Rory calling her, but she couldn´t look back, because she knew then she wouldn´t do it. But she had to. It was for their own good.
She drove to the airport and was glad that she had some clean clothes left in the car. She hadn´t planed this and she had no idea where to go she just knew that she had to get away as far as possible, so they wouldn´t find her. That´s how she ended up in San Fransisco, on the other side of the continent half a year ago.
She couldn´t get the look on his face out of her head when she had said âNoâ. And Rory´s voice calling her. She felt the desperate need to seen them and talk to them again, but she knew she couldn´t give in. She focused on Luke´s smiling face in the frame.
Maybe he was able to smile again like that. Maybe now, maybe some time in the future. But he would smile again and then he would find a new woman.
âYou kept this in your wallet? You kept this in your wallet!â
âEight years!â
âEight years!â
And she knew he wouldn´t. But she needed the fantasy that he would and so she kept talking herself into believing it. At least during the day. At night when she would cry her eyes out once more and call his name over and over, she knew it wasn´t true.
Chapter 2
Wake me up inside,wake me up inside
It was 2 am and he lay awake in bed. He couldn´t remember the last time he had slept a whole night through. At least not without alcohol. He didn´t drink that often, just sometimes. It helped him to forget. At least for a few hours.
Forget how beautiful she had been walking down the aisle in her perfect dress. Forget the tears in her eyes when he had waited for her answer. Forget that she had said no. Forget that she had run away and left him.
It had been eight months and it didn´t hurt any less. He wondered if he would be able to move on. Sometime in the future. The point was that he didn´t want to move on. He wanted her. Only her. He had for the last eleven years.
âIs it really happening?â
âIt is really happening!â
He hadn´t seen her since then, not a glimpse, nothing.
They had found her car a week later at the airport. Empty. Only her wedding dress had been in it. Her credit card bill had showed them that she had booked a flight to LA. Rory and Richard had gone there a month after the wedding and searched for her, but without a result. But he thought it had been stupid to think that they would find her there, in a city with so many people. And he knew Lorelai. If she didn´t want them to find her, they wouldn´t find her.
What worried him the most was the fact that she not only had said no to him, but hadnât had any contact with anyone since then. Not her parents, not Sookie or Rory.
Michel was doing her job at the Inn, while they had hired someone new for the counter.
Rory wasn´t the same anymore. She didn´t understand the world anymore. Her mother left her without an explanation.
Emily and Richard were just as desperate. They had lost their daughter for the second time in their life and it was hard for them to act like it meant nothing. To keep the illusion for their friends.
It was still nothing compared to the state Rory was in. She was just as numb as he himself was.
She came to Luke´s several times a week and they talked. About everything, but not about her. They would only talk about her when one of them couldn´t bear it anymore or something happened.
Like when Rory had got her letter only saying how much she loved her and she shouldn´t worry.
Like when she had sent Luke a letter, telling him how much she loved him and always will and that she needed to keep the ring. She did not say why.
That had been weeks after her disappearance and they had been relieved that she was at least alive.
But when she did not come back and there wasn´t anymore news from her they both knew that something was terribly wrong.
A week ago had been the last time he had heard something from her. At least he thought so.
In the middle of the night the telephone had rung and when he answered it, it had been silent. At first he had thought it was a joke and wanted to hang up, but then he had the feeling that it wasn´t.
âLorelai?â he asked and thought that he heard a gasp.
âLorelai is that you?â Silence
âLorelai, please. If it is you please say something!â Nothing
âI just want to know that you are okay. That you are safe and healthy. I´m worried sick about you and so is Roryâ he heard a sniffling sound and he knew it was her. He knew that he would get to her with Rory.
âI love you so much and I just want you to come back!â The line went dead, she had hung up.
He stood up and walked downstairs. He was still living in her house. In their house. Now his house. It was killing him, but he couldn´t help himself. He couldn´t go back to his apartment, because it would make it final that she wasn´t coming back.
He still hoped that one day he would come home and she would sit in the living room and tell him how sorry she was. Or he would find her asleep in the bedroom, so he could run his hands through her hair again.
That he couldn´t do it anymore was hard for him. That he couldn´t see and talk to her was torture and the fact that she wasn´t in his life anymore was killing him slowly and painfully.
Until her first letter had arrived he had convinced himself that they were over, that he could never forgive her and what she had done. But when the letter came and she wrote that she loved him, it sounded honest, even if they were just words on a white paper.
And the fact that Rory knew nothing either had helped also. Helped him to forgive her.
Now after more than half a year, he sometimes wished he wouldn´t have done it, because then he wouldn´t miss her this painfully.He really wanted to hate her. Needed to even, but wasn´t succeeding.
He hadn´t cried. He had soothed Rory and Sookie several times, one time even Emily, but he hadn´t cried. He couldn´t. It had been the same situation when his father had died. But he didn´t want to compare the situations, because she wasn´t dead and she would be back in his life at one point or the other. Someday he would see her again. He needed to. Because without her he couldn´t live.
But he couldn´t die either. He was just numb.
âLorelai, where are you?â he asked the dark living-room and all he got was a sigh from Paul Anka, who lay on the couch on one of Lorelai´s shirts. He refused to give away the shirt. But Luke understood him. He sometimes opened her shampoo or her perfume just so that he would have her scent for some seconds. Or play the message on the answering machine just to hear her voice.
âAh, Luke, come on! Now that you are living here we need a new text on Frida or she will get angry!â
âWho the hell is Frida?â
âThe answering-machine, duh!â
âAn answering-machine can´t get angry!â
âYou don´t know Frida, so itâs better not to risk anything! Come on tell me what to say!â
âWhy can´t you just say: This is Lorelai Gilmore and Luke Danesâ house. We are not at home so please leave a message after the beep?â
âSee, was that so hard? People you heard what the master said!â she laughed
âYou recorded that?â
âI still am!â she giggled
âGive me that! Lorelai! Give me that damn tape!â Luke shouted
Beep
When he looked on the clock he saw that it was half past three. He had spent one and a half hours staring into the dark. But he wasn´t wondering or thinking about it anymore. Since she was gone this was normal. But he had to open the diner, so he walked back upstairs to at least lay down for one more hour.
When he opened the bedroom door, he closed his eyes and he could see her lying in bed, asleep, waiting for him so she could snuggle up next to him. But when he opened them he found the bed empty. She was still gone.
Chapter 3Call my name and save me from the dark
âGood morning Miss Gilmore! Are you ready for the big day?â the nurse asked when she entered Lorelaiâs room. But she got no response. Lorelai was staring out the window beside her bed with the same blank look, she had done it the past few months she had spent in this room. She couldnât exactly see what was outside because the plastic tent around her bed made her vision blurry.
âMiss Gilmore, are you awake?â the nurse asked concerned, and walked to the opening in the tent. Lorelai didnât even look at her. In general, she gave her at least a grunt or a sigh in response.
She had never had a patient who had been so heart-broken and lonely like this woman. She never had visitors or got calls; although, unlike many older patients, she seemed to have a family. The pictures on her bedside-table proved that. She had never asked who the persons were, but because she cried herself to sleep looking at said pictures she figured Lorelai must love them a lot.
One of her colleagues had asked her once if those two were dead. It had ended with Lorelai screaming at her that her Rory was not dead. They had needed to give her something to calm her, otherwise it would have caused problems so shortly after the operation.
âGood morning Miss Gilmore!â the doctor greeted when he entered the room. He wore one of those special dresses so he could enter her tent. âEverything looks good we can give you the bone marrow today. Thank god we found a donor. Youâre really lucky, you know. I will put this on your IV and then you have to do the rest of the work, okay?â he tried to get a reaction, but wasnât lucky either. With his rubber glove covered hand, he stroked over her cheek, which caused her to flinch like it caused her pain. He knew it didnât.
He did what he had to do, then left the tent and signalled the nurse to come with him.
âI just talked to the psychologist and he said that he is sure now, she resigned.â
âThatâs what we already told youâ
âBut it is so important at this phase that she wants to live. When she doesnât want to, we canât do anything. Itâs completely up to her now.â
âWe tried everything, but without success. When she first came here she was so hopeful, but now she is just depressive and sad.â
âHas she said anything about somebody we could call?â the doctor asked.
âNo, she is not answering any questions concerning her family. One of the personsâ names on the pictures must be âRoryâ though, thatâs what she screamed, when she was upset about Eva a while ago, right after her operation.â
âWe have to do something. She is too young to die like that. Try and see if you can find out anything. Maybe from the insurance. I will try and find out which colleague was her doctor maybe that will give us some clue as to where she comes from at least.â
âI will try, but I canât promise anythingâ the nurse said and looked at Lorelai, who was still in the same position, with the last infusion of the donorâs blood running into her veins.
âMiss Gilmore, the plan looks like this: We need to operate on you as soon as possible before the tumor starts spreading. It sits in the left part of your lung and we have to cut it out. The chemo-therapy and the radiation reduced its size, but it didnât destroy it. We can not wait any longer. Afterwards we can hope that we cut out everything. But to be sure you will get some more chemotherapy and then we maybe will need to find a donor to re-install your immune-system. Do you have anymore questions?â
âYou told me all that a thousand times already. Why should I have more questions?â
âMaybe something you forgot to askâ
âNo, I donât care. Just start so that everything will be over soonâ she said and the doctor knew by the look in her eyes that she wasnât talking about her time in the hospital.
It was around noon when the last drop of the donorâs blood had entered her body. She should be hopeful, that her body would accept it and start to produce antibodies of her own again, but she didnât care.
Since the day she had last looked into a mirror, she didnât care anymore.
When she had arrived in San Francisco after a week in LA and had been in the hospital for the first few days she had had the hope that once this was over she could go back home and explain to them what had happened. Luke would forgive her, Rory would be more than happy and everything would be perfect again. But the longer all the therapies took, the smaller her hope became.
And then she had taken a look into the mirror after the operation and after the start of the new chemotherapy. She was so thin, really skinny. Her skin was pale, transparent and grey-ish. Her eyes had lost every sparkle. Her cheek-bones were more prominent than ever. And her hair, her long brown, beautiful curls were completely gone. She didnât even have eyebrows anymore. Not one single hair. She knew that she once had been beautiful, but that was gone. She was nothing more than the shadow of her former self and she had needed some time to recognize and understand that it was really her who looked back at her from the mirror.
How could she do that to Rory and Luke? How could she make them look at her, when she looked like this? She had decided then, that they should remember her the way she had been and the way she had looked. She had decided she would never go back. And if she would never go back, why should she live? For what? And for whom?
TBC
Chapter 4
Save me from the nothing I ´ve become
Nine months ago his life had changed so completely, he could hardly remember how it had been before. He couldn´t remember having fun. He couldn´t remember laughing. So much had changed when she had disappeared and taken most of him with her. He felt like she had just left an empty wrapper back in Stars Hollow and the rest was with her, wherever that was.
He stood in the diner behind the counter and watched how April did her homework. She was in the diner a lot more since the day in September. Sometimes she would even spend the night in Rory´s room and he would make breakfast for the two of them in the morning. Or Rory would join them and the two girls would take the double bed and he would sleep on the couch.
Lorelai and he had talked about adding another one or two rooms to the house. One for April and one for their future-kid. The one they had talked about and wanted. Had wanted. Before she was gone.
âDad, can I have a burger?â April asked and made him leave his thoughts. She always did that when she realized he was thinking about Lorelai. Little did she know that he was thinking about her all the time, because everything he did or saw reminded him of her.âSure. Normal or with cheese?â
âMake it with cheese. But without onions...â
âAnd normal fries and extra ketchup, I got it!âhe said and walked into the kitchen.
âYou have reached Luke´s diner. Please leave a message after the beep, I might call you backâ the voice on the machine said, but she hung up quickly. She wasn´t sure if she had the right number and had been prepared for a wrong person, but not a wrong answering-machine.She had gone through all of Lorelaiâs things and had found a wedding invitation with two phone numbers in Connecticut on it.
She knew she wasn´t allowed to go through the patientâs things, but she needed to do something, she couldn´t watch this woman die anymore. Die when there was no more need to. The therapies had been a success, the problem was that she was still very weak and refused to cooperate. She wouldn´t eat, wouldn´t get up, and wouldn´t talk. They had tried everything, but nothing was working. These two numbers were her last chance. Her last chance to live.
She tried the other number.
âAh, Luke, come on! Now that you are living here we need a new text on Frida or she will get angry!â
âWho the hell is Frida?â
âThe answering-machine, duh!â
âAn answering machine can´t get angry!â
âYou don´t know Frida, so itâs better not to risk anything! Come on tell me what to say!â
âWhy can´t you just say: This is Lorelai Gilmore and Luke Daneâs house. We are not at home so please leave a message after the beep?â
âSee, was that so hard? People you heard what the master said!â she laughed
âYou recorded that?â
âI still am!â she giggled
âGive me that! Lorelai! Give me that damn tape!â Luke shouted
Beep
âHello this is nurse Sally from the Memorial Hospital in San Francisco. I assume I have the right number, because I´m looking for friends or relatives of Lorelai Gilmore. She has been here for some time now and she could really need someone to support her. The therapy was a success, but she is in a very bad physical state. If you can help us or know someone who can help us, please give us a call, it´s very urgent! The number is 1415/3046724â
All the groceries Luke held in his hands dropped on the floor when he had heard Lorelai´s name. He pressed pause and then re-played the message several times. He couldn´t believe it. He knew where she was. They had found her. After nine months. Nine months of hoping and waiting, of fear, anger, and sadness they had finally found her. He couldn´t believe it and played the message again.He picked up the phone and wanted to dial the number he had scribbled on a paper, but then decided against it.
He wouldn´t call. Not after all this time. Not to find out why she was in hospital. Not after nine months of missing her.
He had a city and he had the name of a hospital and the nurse. He would fly over, now.
He ran upstairs and threw clothes in a bag. Some for him and some for her. Maybe she would want her own clothes.
Then he took a second and thought about what else he could need. He grabbed some photos, her pajamas and her Hello Kitty slippers and also threw them in the bag.
While he drove to the airport he was debating if he should call Rory or not. Or Emily and Richard. But he knew that they would want to come with him and he had no idea what was wrong with Lorelai yet, so he decided against it. They were worried enough and he would call them when he had seen her and talked to her.
He parked the truck and got out, mentally going through a list if he had the diner and everything else covered, without being too cryptic about his whereabouts and decided that he had done well.
âDid you get any response to your message yet?â the doctor asked her the next day.âNo, I´m sorry, but there was no answer yet.â
âCould it have to do something with different time zones? Maybe they are still asleep over there?â
âNo, I checked that. They must not have gotten it yet. If this Mister Danes is still living there.â
âIs he a relative?â
âHer husband so it seemsâ she said and handed him the invitation she still had in her pocket.
We proudly announce that we finally set a date
We
Lorelai Victoria Gilmore
and
Lucas William Danes
are getting married the 3rd September 2006
(exactly 3 months later than originally planned)
We would be happy if you would celebrate this day with us.
Please tell us if you are coming
Telephone: 1549876 or
1546483
âShe arrived here at the end of September, didn´t she?â the doctor asked.
âYes, I think so.ââ
âShe must have been so happy. I can´t imagine her being happy. She is always so sad.â
âYeah. I listened to the message on the answering machine several times before I left a message because I couldn´t believe that it was really her voice I heard. She sounded really happy and chipper.â
âMaybe there will be some response to it. Hopefully.â
âUhm, sorry Miss! Are you nurse Sally?â a man interrupted them.
âYes, I amâ she said and tried to remember where she knew him from, because he somehow looked familiar.
âMy name is Luke, Luke Danes. You called me concerning Lorelai.â
Chapter 5
Bring me to life, Bring me to life
The nurse and the doctor stared at him, like they couldn´t believe that he was really there.
âOh, thank god!â the nurse exclaimed.
âI´m doctor Adams, your wife´s doctorâ the man introduced himself.
âShe´s not my wife. She is my...â Luke didn´t know what to say. He had no idea what they were. If they still were something after nine months apart.
âWhere is she?â he asked instead. The wish to see her was overwhelming, it was his only one.
âBefore you can see her we need to talk to you. Would you follow me to my office?â Luke just nodded and followed the man. He only wanted to see her.
Nearly an hour later he came out of the office. His head was pounding. He felt happy and sad. Excited and numb with shock. They had told him so many things and he could only remember small parts: Cancer, radiation, operation, lung, chemotherapy, loss of weight, refused to eat, depressions, donor, resignation, antibodies... could die. The words flew around in his head and he began to feel dizzy. He sat down in a chair, but it didn´t help.
He could follow the explanations of the doctor very well because he remembered all those medical terms from his father, who had died of cancer. He felt sick. He ran to the toilet and threw up, but didn´t feel better afterwards. He desperately needed to see her.
â You know, I never finished that boat. It's been sitting there half done for fifteen years.â
âHey, Luke, don't you think you might have been a little hasty about the boat decision? I mean, you were upset, and I bet some day you're going to be really sorry you don't have that boat anymore.â
âNo, it's better she gets rid of the thing now.â
â But...â
â I haven't even looked at that boat since my dad got sick. Not a glance, nothing.â
â Even more reasonâ
âIf it's gone, then I don't have to deal with it. It's time to move on, you know?â
â But...â
âI'm fine. Really. Thanks for the rideâ
âAny timeâ
âCan I see her now?â he asked half an hour later when he felt better and wasn´t at least walking like a drunken person anymore.
âYes. But she is asleep. You have to keep in mind that she doesn´t know that we contacted you. She might get upset. We might not get any reaction at allâ
âYeah, I know. He told me.â
âDo what you think might help her. We have tried everything, we are out of ideas. But the most important things are that she eats and that she finally sleeps for more than ten minutes. She had problems with that right from the beginning and the fact that she is asleep at the moment is a miracle, but in less than five minutes she´ll be awake again. Her body could use some more rest,â the nurse told him and he just nodded. Then he followed her.
They stopped in front of a huge window. Behind it was a bed and he could make out the form of a human body in the bed. The nurse gave him one last reassuring smile before she left him alone.
There were machines in the room, a huge bed. He saw that she wore a white bandana on her head. They had told him that she had lost her hair. All her beautiful long brown curls. The room looked sad and depressing. Words he never thought he would use in one sentence with her name. Because that wasn´t her. She was sparkly, funny and beautiful. She had been.He saw two pink frames on her bedside-table and in one he could make out his own portrait. That´s when he knew he needed to go in there. He needed to be there for her. She needed him. And he needed her just as much. He just wasn´t sure if she knew that.
âSee, there's a reason why I stay away from people on this particular day. It's 'cause I kind of suck.â
âOh, Luke, I'm so sorry. I should have listened to you. I should have stayed out of it. You were right, I didn't think. I mean, I didn't think like you would think. I thought like I would think. And my thinking is sometimes very, very wrong if you're not me, and occasionally if you are me ...â
âYou just keep thinking like you'd thinkâ
âI can do that. Do you want to come in?â
He opened the door slowly and quietly, fighting the nausea which hit him when the scent of medicine came into his nose instead of the scent he had expected. Hers.
He put the bag he was carrying down next to the door and then walked towards her bed and stopped when he stood next to her.
She had no hair. Her face was grey. She was too skinny. She was lonely. Her cheeks were still wet with tears. She looked more dead than alive. He had trouble recognizing her. Maybe the nurse had shown him the wrong room. This couldn´t be her. For seconds he refused to believe it.
But then she wrinkled her nose for a short moment like she always did when she was asleep and was about to wake up. He had seen it so many times. And then he knew that it was her.
As quiet as possible, he leaned down and untied his shoes, then slid them off, and left them next to her bed. Then he sat down on the bed, careful not to wake her. He lifted his legs and put them next to hers, just on the blanket, not under it. He turned on his side, so he could watch her sleep. Like he had done before. Before before.
She also rolled on her side after some seconds and he thought she would wake up, but she didn´t. Unconsciously, she moved closer to him and pressed her forehead under his chin, her nose against his chest. He heard her take a deep breath. Then she snuggled closer. He slowly lifted his left arm and carefully lay it around her shoulders, pulling her even more into him. His chin rested on her cotton-covered, hairless head, but he didn´t want to take a deep breath, because she didn´t smell like herself. If that made sense.
Having her safe in his arms after nine months between hope and despair was like a dream come true.
He was afraid he would crush her; she looked as if she was made of glass and felt just as cold.
He heard her sigh and then he thought he heard her whisper his name. But when he looked down, her eyes were still closed. She was still asleep. The nurse had been wrong. She slept, maybe for longer than ten minutes.
He couldn´t help himself and placed a soft kiss on her forehead, which caused her to sigh one more time.
When he closed his eyes to memorize the feeling of having her in his arms again he realized that he was crying. Tears ran down his cheeks, one after the other.
So he kept his eyes closed to stop them from falling and drifted off to sleep.
She hadn´t been the only one who hadn´t slept for real in nine months.
Chapter 6
Now that I know what I´m without, you can´t just leave me
For the first time in months she was asleep. Truly asleep.
For the first time in months she was dreaming. A happy dream. She dreamed that he was there. Right next to her. She dreamed that she snuggled into him. That she could breathe him in. That she was surrounded by his scent. That his arms were around her, holding her close. She sighed, because the dream was so wonderful. She wanted to sleep forever and be wrapped in this feeling. So she kept sleeping.
He woke up late the next morning. It was around ten. He was slightly disorientated at first, but then he remembered.She was still asleep, lying halfway on top of him.
He thought about just staying in bed with her, waiting for her to wake up. But he decided against it. Carefully he untangled from her, placed her head softly on the pillow and stood up. He left his shoes next to the bed and walked, just in his socks into the bathroom, grabbing his toiletries from the bag.
He needed to take a shower, because he felt sticky and dirty. He wasn´t. It was just another effect the hospital had on him. He could see the bacteria crawl on his skin and he realized that he smelled like the hospital, too.
Lorelai opened her eyes just to discover that it had really been a dream. The realization took all the relaxing effect of her long sleep away from her and she curled into a ball, and brought her knees up to her chest, to make the cold go away. She wished she would have slept forever and just never wake up. This life was not worth living for anymore, but the dream was worth dying for. But there had not been such luck.Luke took his time taking the shower. It took time washing the feelings away, it took time washing the hospital-smell away and it took time to think about what to do.He was terrified of Lorelais reaction. What would happen when she saw him? Last night had been easy compared to now because he had known that she had been asleep. This time was different. His thoughts were running in circles through his head like they had done on the airplane.
But he knew that she needed him.
âIf we can not get her to eat and to want to live, I´m afraid there is nothing more we can do for herâ
âWhat can I do? Why doest she want to live?â
âI´m sorry, but we don´t know. It might have been the long and painful therapies, the loneliness, boredom. But we don´t know.â
She was staring out of the window again. This time without a tent covering her bed. The therapy had been successful, mostly. She wasn´t happy about it.
She thought she had heard the shower running, but she heard things all the time, her mind was playing tricks on her.
She thought she heard the door open and close, she thought she heard steps, very quiet ones. She thought she smelled him, like during her dream. She thought she heard his voice calling her name.
âThis is niceâ
â Mm-hmmâ
â I think it's going very well, you and me. You think it's going very well?â
âI have very few complaintsâ
âHmm. I'm going right past the very few complaints comment, 'cause I know you're just trying to bait me. What complaints?â
âLorelai!â he said again when he got no reaction the first time. He took another step closer. That´s when she turned around. Not her whole body, just her head for a second. Then she resumed staring out of the window.
This couldn´t be true. He could not be here. Her own fantasy was playing cruel games with her. She concentrated on the window in front of her.
But then she felt a touch on her shoulder. She wasn´t imagining it. Someone was really in her room. Again she turned her head only to look into his blue, teary eyes which were pleading with her. She didn´t know for what.
âLuke?â she heard herself whisper. He gave her a little smile, his lips were trembling and his hand on her shoulder was shaking.
âI´m hereâ he whispered back. He took his hand off of her shoulder and walked around the bed, so she was facing him. He knelt down and took her hands in his. His eyes were staring into hers.
After a minute he took one hand away from hers and began to trace along the lines of her face. Over her nose, over her lips, down to her chin. Back up over her cheek to her sleeve. At some point she had closed her eyes.
But while she lay there she started thinking. She started to think about the fact that he was here. That he was here only for her. She wondered how he had found her. She wondered why he was here. She wondered if he was happy now that he had found her. And gave herself the answer: How could he be happy to find this? He must be scared and disgusted. She wondered why he hadn´t just turned around and gone away when he had seen her. He didn´t deserve this.That´s when she opened her eyes. When he wanted to touch her lips with his thumb again she flinched. He took his hand away.
âGoâ she said, barely above a whisper. She got no reaction from him. Maybe he hadn´t heard her.
âGo!â she said again, louder this time.
âLorel...â
âPlease go!â she interrupted him, then closed her eyes. She did not want to watch him leave.
TBC
Chapter 7 Breathe into me and make me real
âNo.â
She opened her eyes.
âNo! No! No!â Luke said and shook his head, just like she had done on that day in September. Her eyes got wide when she realized that he was crying.
âNo! I won´t leave you here. Not after nine months apart. Not after I haven´t slept in months because I miss you so much. Not after seeing you like this. Not to let you die! No!â he said forcefully and leaned down and grabbed her by the shoulders. It took all of his strength not to shake her. He stared at her for some seconds, then embraced her. So hard she thought he had crushed every bone in her body.
âI won´t leave you! Ever!â he mumbled against her neck. She felt his tears on her skin, where the collar ended. She wanted to cry with him and embrace him so badly, but she couldn´t. She couldn´t do this to him.
She waited until his tears subsided, then pushed him away with all the strength she had. It wasn´t much but sufficient enough that he let her go.
âYou need to leave,â she told him and let herself fall back against the pillow. She was too weak to fight.
âI won´t leave,â he said and sat down on the chair next to her bed. She couldn´t believe it. He was there. He had seen her. He wouldn´t leave. She had left him in front of the altar. What more could she do to protect him?
She just wanted to lay in her bed and stare out the window. She did not want to talk. She did not want to see him. She did not want to eat. And she did not want to live. She only wanted to protect him.
âYou know, there are very few times in my life when I find myself sitting around thinking, "I wish I was married," but today, I mean -- I'm happy. You know? I like my life. I like my friends. I like my stuff. My time, my space, my TV.ââYeah, sure.â
âBut every now and then, just for a moment, I wish I had a partner, someone to pick up the slack. Someone to wait for the cable guy, make me coffee in the morning, meet the stupid sink before it gets sent back to Canada.â
âWhat happened? â
âI don´t love you. I never loved you. I want you to go away and leave me aloneâ she whispered because she was too weak to speak normally.
Luke remained silent, just sat in the chair and watched her. He knew her long enough to know what she was doing. He waited to see if she would try it again, but she didn´t have the strength to. So he sat on the chair. She lay in bed. He watched her. She ignored him.
After two hours he decided it was time for him to speak. Two hours was a long time. And he knew that her time would run out soon if he couldn´t help her.
âYou know when you left me standing there in front of everyone, I really hated you. Just for a second. Then I hated myself for not realizing that you didn´t want to marry me. I thought that if I had spent more time with you, or listened more closely, then I would have seen it.
I talked with Rory after a couple of days and she told me the same thing. We blamed ourselves for not seeing it coming. But then, when I sorted through the pictures you gave me before the wedding to âget to know you better- the best and the worstâ I realized that I´ve seen it all. And that I always knew. I could tell in which mood you were by the way the bell jingled when you opened the diner-door.
But this one time I was clueless. I imagined the most crazy scenarios, but they were all wrong.
But never, not for one second have I doubted that you love me. Because I know you do. And you can tell me that you hate me or despise me so often that you will believe it yourself, but I know that it´s not true.
Last night when I saw you I had trouble recognizing you, but then you wrinkled your nose and this little, stupid thing nearly made me cry. I don´t know if you can imagine how much I missed you. And then there you were. I took off my shoes and laid down next to you. And do you know what happened? You came closer. You laid your head on my chest and slung your arms around me. You slept peacefully and so did I. Because that´s the way it´s supposed to be. We´re supposed to be together. No matter what.
You did not say âI doâ, but I did. I promised you to be there in richer and in poorer, in sickness and health. With my âI doâ I promised it, because I love you. And that´s why you can´t make me leave. Because I do!â
â I just hate that we were apartââYeah, wasnât too fond of it myselfâ
â Well, all I can say is, youâre lucky Iâm back in your life, because clearly you were lost without me. I mean, itâs a miracle youâre even still alive. Right?â
âYou betâ
He took the chair and placed it directly in front of her bed. She was still staring at the floor. She pretended that she had not listened. Inside it tore her apart. And of course he knew. He always did.
He took her hands away from the blanket she was gripping tightly and leaned over, so that his face was in front of hers.
âLook at the ring you are still wearing. I do, Lorelai. I do!â he whispered and placed a soft kiss on her forehead.
When his lips touched her skin it felt like an electric-shock that ran through her body. And she felt it. She felt the sensation and the tingling on her skin. There was no pain. There was no sickness afterwards. It did not hurt like all the needles. And it didn´t make her throw up like all the medicine.
It felt good. There were butterflies in her stomach and a tingling-feeling on her skin.
That´s what broke through her shield.
His love for her.
Her breath hitched, then caught in her throat. A sob escaped. Then, finally, the tears came. They weren´t the sad and lonely tears she would cry at night. But tears of desperation and fear, hopelessness and pain. Of pretending and resignation. All emotions she had kept to herself for nine long months broke free because of a simple kiss from him.
He wrapped his arms around her and sat down on the edge of her bed. He stroked over her head, like he had done before, except he couldn´t play with her hair anymore. He softly rocked her body from side to side, showered her forehead with kisses, massaged her shoulders carefully with his left hand.
It took her long to calm down a bit, and when she did the hiccuping started.
She looked up at him with tears still running down her cheeks and tried to say something, but the hiccups did not make it possible.
âSsshhh!â he said and lay down on the bed, with her on top of him. She was so light. She buried her face in his chest and took some deep breaths. Then she lifted her head again and looked him in the eyes.
âI do,â she whispered before another hiccup could stop her and sniffled.
âI know,â he gave her a little smile which she returned. Her cheek muscles trembled. She couldn´t remember the last time she had smiled.
âYou want some tea?â he asked and pointed to the table the nurse had left while they had sat in silence. She nodded.
Chapter 8Iâve become so numb without a soul, my spirit sleeping somewhere cold until you find it there and lead it back home
âSo what do you want to do today?â he asked her after she finished her tea. He needed her to get out of the room, to stop staring out of the window, to stop dying.
She only nuzzled his throat with her nose and remained silent. She clung to him, her hand gripping his shirt, her body lying on top of his own.
âHey, Miss Lazy, we can´t spend the whole day in bed. That´s not very productive, you know!â he tried to joke and rubbed her back with one hand.
âMmmhâ she made and closed her eyes.
âHey, don´t sleep! You can´t fall asleep on top of me! I already can´t feel my legs anymore. Why don´t we go for a walk? Maybe the hospital has a garden or something. Come onâ he pinched her waist softly.
âI can´t. I can´t walk and I hate this stupid wheelchair and I don´t want to go out looking like this. It´s embarrassing enough that you see me,â she mumbled already half asleep.
âOkay, then we stay here. Just get out of bed for some time, okay? We could sit over there on the window. Play cards or read a book. There must be something you want to do.â
Lukes pleading was having an effect on her. Although she didn´t want to do anything she realized how important it was for him.
âMaybe you can call the nurse, so that I can take a shower? I could really use one,â she suggested and he smiled.
âForget about the nurse and we have a deal,â he said.
âNo, Luke, really. I don´t want you to do that. I´m embarrassed enough as it is I don´t need you to shower me.â
âIt´s not like we never did that before. I´ve seen it all. I´m your man Lorelai, what is there to be embarrassed about?â
âYou are not...â she couldn´t say it.
âI said âI doâ, remember?â he reminded her.
âOkayâ She did not have the power to argue with him about a shower. Or about anything else. She would do anything he asked her to just that he would stay.
That morning she had wanted him to leave, just to protect him, but now she only wanted him to stay. She had understood that he meant the âI doâ and that he would not let her go again. He needed her to lean on him.
âOkay, Iâm sorry. I have to jump in here. Uh, I know you think you have this thing handled, but I can help. First off, we call Yale and we tell them something like, uh, Rory had a chemical imbalance and she was mentally out of her mind when she told them she was dropping out. And then we get her out of your parents house whatever way we can. We lock her up in her room with you, because you can talk anybody into anything. And if worse comes to worst, we will drive her to school every day and we will follow her to class and camp out there to make sure she goes. Iâll take morning classes, you take afternoon classes, or the other way around, if it works out better for your schedule. And I know thereâs a few kinks to work out, the kidnapping thing might be a little problematic but either way, she is not quitting school. This was her dream. I am not going to let this happen. What?â
âLuke, will you marry me?â
Luke stood up and put her in a sitting position.
âWe need the wheelchair, I can´t walkâ, she said quietly and looked on the floor.
âYou tried?â She shook her head. He took her hands and squeezed them gently, made her look up. After some moments of looking at her he put his hands under her armpits and lifted her slowly off the bed, put her down in front of him, so that she was standing. He carried her weight for some time, then took his hands away, so she had to stand freely. He took one step back from her and opened his arms. Like a toddler she stumbled into his arms and he caught her. She felt safe again.
They did that three times more and were nearly at the bathroom-door when her legs started trembling.
Before she could say something he had her scooped up in his arms and carried her into the bathroom.
He sat her down on the closed toilet, she sighed, bit her lower-lip.
He kneeled down in front of her, placed his hands on her knees.
âI can call the nurse, you knowâ his hands stroked up and down on her thighs. She looked at him, then shook her head. He kissed her cheek and grabbed the hem of her shirt.
âArms upâ he pulled the shirt over her head. He slung his arms around her and opened the clasp of her bra, then slid it of.
He pulled her up by her arms. She was standing in front of him, her gaze on the floor again. His eyes wandered over her body and his hands followed. From her collar-bone, which stood out, over her breast-bone and her breasts, down over her ribs, which were clearly visible, down on her stomach were he found a huge scar on her left side, where the ribcage ended. He had felt through the shirt that she was skinny, but she was emaciated. Skin and bones, nothing else left. On the skin he could make out little wounds from injections, IV, catheter...
âMy god, what have they done to you?â he whispered shocked.
âIt hurt so much. I don´t want them to hurt me anymore. Or make me throw up. I just want it to stop.â she said and her tears dropped on the bathroom-floor.
âNo ne will hurt you anymore. I´m here now. I´ll look after youâ he slung his arms around her and rocked her from side to side for the second time that day. He began to caress her back with two fingers, stroked up and down.
She broke out in goose-bumps and he felt her nipples harden against his chest.
âLet´s get you in the shower, you´re coldâ he said and she felt his breath on her ear.
âI´m not coldâ she pressed her lips on a spot under his ear, before she pulled back.
He steadied her when she slid of her sweatpants and her slip, helped her in the shower. There was a seat in it he realized relieved. He started the water and waited until it heated up. He made her whole body wet and then used his own shower-gel and massaged her skin thoroughly, then he washed it off. He reached for the bandana which covered her head, but she caught his hand.
âI want to do it. Aloneâ He nodded and told her he would be waiting outside.
When the door closed behind him, he leaned against the wall and buried his face in his hands and tried to keep himself from crying.
Chapter 9 How can you see into my eyes like open doors leading you down into my core
She was asleep again. The shower had exhausted her. Afterwards he had covered her body with lotion and massaged her back until she had fallen asleep. He had dressed her in one of his shirts, like she had wanted and covered her with the blanket. It was three o´clock in the afternoon. They both hadn´t eaten yet. He wasn´t hungry, but decided he would eat with her when she woke up. She had to eat.
He walked out of the room and to the room of the nurses. "Uhm, sorry, but could I use the phone here for a minute. I don´t want Lorelai to hear itâ
âYes, sure. You have already caused a miracle. She drank tea and slept a whole night through. That´s great!â she smiled and he just nodded.
He picked up the phone and dialed a now familiar number. He had dialed it many times over the past few months.
âGilmore Residence,â a voice said.
âThis is Luke Danes. Could I speak with Emily or Richard pleaseâ
âYes, just a moment please.â Luke heard the melody which always played while the call was on hold.
âLuke, this is Richard!â he was relieved that Richard answered the call. He wasnt sure if he could bear another breakdown from Emily or had to reason with her.
âRichard listen, I have some news,â he said slowly, not knowing how to start.
âConcerning Lorelai?â Richard stated more than asked.
âYes. Actually I found her. Or they found me, however you want to put it.â Silence.
âShes in the hospital. Has been for the past nine months.â Silence
âYou still thereâ
âYes, yes. What is wrong with her? Where are youâ
âShe has...she had cancer. Lung-cancer. She went through all the therapies and the operation all alone and somewhere during that time she lost her will to live. They told me that the cancer is gone. For now. But she has not been eating, sleeping, or talking. I had a long talk with the doctors yesterday and they said that if I dont get her to eat, she wont make it. She´s extremely thin, and it´s ... god she looks like she´s dead already. I had problems recognizing herâ
âShall we comeâ
âNo. No. I don´t think she wants that. She tried to send me away when I arrived. She does not want anybody to see her like this. I will stay with her. Could you maybe tell Rory that I found her and what happenedâ
âYes, sure. I will inform Rory and Emily. And we really should not come? Maybe she needs Rory or her motherâ
âShe does. But she isn't accepting that right now. I will keep in touch and inform youâ
âIs there anything else we can doâ
âJust look after Rory until we are backâ
âWhen will you be backâ
âI dont know. It´s not looking good at the moment. Pray that I will be able to bring her back homeâ
âWe will. Bye Lukeâ
âBye Richardâ
âAnd thank you.â Luke hung up the phone.
ââWho is Rory?â the nurse asked.
âThe most important person in her life; her daughter.â Luke said.
âWill she come?â
âLorelai does not want anybody to see her like this. We did not talk about it, but I can tell. When is lunch?â
âTwenty minutesâ
âAnd what´s for lunchâ
âChicken potatoes and vegetables; beans I thinkâ
âHow long does she have to stay hereâ
âUntil she isn´t weak anymore; she needs to build her strengthâ
âIs there a possibility that I could make her something to eat hereâ
âThere´s a kitchen in our room, you could use that"
âThat would be great. And is there a supermarket somewhere near hereâ
âJust around the corner actuallyâ
âGood. I will go and buy some things, could you keep an eye on her as long as I´m gone? I´m not sure how long she is going to sleepâ
âYes, sure. And good luck with the mealâ
âThanksâ, Luke gave the nurse a small smile and left.
It took him some time to find the market, to walk back and make their lunch; wild rice with a sauce and some meat.
âGod I´m half-starved already! But look what I found!â he said jokingly when he entered her room. He stopped when he saw a nurse standing next to her bed with an injection in her hand, while Lorelai was curled into a ball, lying on her side, facing away from him. He put the lunch down on the small table and called her. No reaction. He tried again. Same result. That´s when he hurried over to her, turning her around, he saw her tear-stained face, so he sat down on the bed and pulled her into his arms.
âWhats that?â he asked the nurse, pointing to the injection.
âVitamins. She needs them, because she refuses to eatâ
âTake that away. It´s not necessary anymore. She will eatâ
âBut the doctor said...â
âThen tell him that she does not need it anymore.â Luke argued with her while he stroked up and down Lorelais back. Without another word the nurse left.
âI don´t want them to hurt me anymore,â Lorelai whispered after a few minutes, when she slowly relaxed in his arms.
âI promised you that they won´t. I´m here nowâ, he kissed her head.
âWhere have you been? I woke up and you weren´t hereâ she said accusingly.
âAh, that´s a good question. I went shopping. Food shopping. I heard what was for lunch today and I knew that you would not eat it, and I see I was right,â he pointed to the tablet beside her bed.
âSo I thought I could cook us something you would eat. And I´m pretty hungry myself, so let´s eatâ, he stood up and placed the plates on the table by the window.Then he picked her up and sat her down in one of the chairs. He took the one next to her. She took the fork, then lay it back down.
âI´m not hungryâ
âLorelai, you will eat. I cooked that for you. You always liked it remember? And it´s good for you. If you wont eat, I can´t keep my promise and they will have to give you injections again. Please, try it. For me,â he begged. She picked up the fork and ate some rice. She chewed and swallowed very slowly.After the third forkful she grabbed his free hand.
âI´m afraid I will throw up afterwards. I always did. I couldn´t eat anything. Sometimes I was too weak to make it to the bathroom...â her voice cracked and he could see the tears form in her eyes.
âI´m here. If you have to throw up just give a sign and I will carry you into the bathroom, okay? No big deal. If you eat enough maybe I will have some dessert afterwards,â he smiled warmly.
âOkay.â she said and shakily took another forkful of rice.
TBC
Chapter 10Bid my blood to run before I come undone
He had been so proud that afternoon when she had eaten what he had cooked. But his luck hadn´t lasted long, because halfway through the meal she had grabbed his hand and he had carried her into the bathroom. She had thrown up everything while he had held her.
They had both been depressed. She had been embarrassed. He had been panicked. How could he make her eat if that was going to happen every time?
The next day it had been the same. Breakfast, lunch, dinner. Whenever he could make her eat he did, but she was never able to keep it down.
On the third day, when he was so desperate, he nearly broke down on the floor while she slept, the doctor encouraged him.
He reassured Luke that it would take some time until her stomach would get used to real food again.
And that it wouldn´t stop until she subconsciously was willing to live again. Her dispiritedness had to be gone.
Luke took a walk through the area around the hospital. He was out of ideas on how to encourage her. He spent all day and all night by her side. He dressed her, showered her, held her and carried her around. He practiced walking with her when he could convince her to and laid by her side when he couldn´t.He cooked for her every day, but despite what the doctor had said there was no progress. And it had been three weeks. They had needed to give her new IVs, because of the vomiting, and he hadn´t been able to keep his promise. Three weeks and he was nearly giving up. The thought of her dying was what kept him going.
A week ago they had told him that he wouldn´t be allowed to live in the hospital anymore. So he had rented an apartment.It was beautiful and directly on the beach. Completely furnished, with a homey living-room, a big veranda, a nice bedroom with windows to the beach, a kitchen and a huge tub in the bathroom. She would have loved it. That´s when he got the idea.
âBut you are not able to help her and I am not able to help her here. I mean her depression should stop, but I am getting depressed by just coming here every day. It´s a hospital. All she sees is her room and the view out of the windows. She freaks out when the door opens because she knows that there will be another injection of some crap you give her and that hurts her. Nearly all the wounds are infected, you can´t find veins anymore and have to prick her five or six times until you are successful. You told me that physically she is okay. You said the problem is only psychological. She trusts me and I think at the moment I am her only possibility.ââBut that´s not reasonable. When something happens we are able to care for her and react immediately here. You can´t do that.â
âWhat could happen? She throws up? She does it every day! That she is unconscious? The last two times I called the nurses so often that she was awake again when they arrived.â
âIf you take her out of here, you are responsible for her. I won´t take that on myself!â the doctor said.
âI am responsible for her no matter what. And I will take her home today.â
âWait at least a few more days, Mr. Danes.â
âToday! If she gets worse I will bring her back, but this might be her last chance.â
âOkay, I will get the papers ready and then she has to sign them, because you are not married. Bye Mr. Danes.â
âBye.â
When he entered her room she was still asleep. In general he was relieved when she was able to sleep, but this time he nudged her awake.âLorelai, baby! Lorelai! You have to wake up!â he said and stroked her cheek.
âMmmh... Luke?â she mumbled still half asleep after some minutes.
âCome on, wake up! We´re getting out of here!â he smiled.
âWhat?â she asked and there was more shock in her expression than happiness.
âI talked to the doctor and after some discussions and after you sign some papers we will be able to go home.â
âNo! I can´t go home! They can´t see me like this! Rory will panic and my parents... and Sookie... Taylor... and... and Patty...â she said, her voice raspy.
âHey, calm down! We won´t go to Stars Hollow! At least not yet. I told you about the apartment at the beach which I rented. I thought you might like it better than here,â he told her and stroked her hand, knowing that it calmed her. She was silent for some time, concentrating only on his touch.
âOkay,â she said and he smiled.
âGood! Then get up and we´ll dress you. The sooner we get out of here the better!â he squeezed her hand and stood up.
She sat up in bed while he threw all her stuff in the bag. He took the only pair of jeans and the only normal shirt he could find and helped her change.
This time they had to use the wheelchair because he had to carry the bag. They signed the papers and before she really understood what had happened she sat in his rented car and they drove to the apartment.
It was out of the city and like he had told her, directly on the beach.
He took the bag and carried it in, then came back and picked her up. He was happy that she was out of the hospital and he could only hope that he wouldn´t regret his decision later. If something happened to her now, it would be his fault. His alone. She was his responsibility, his alone.
âReady?â he asked, before he opened the door. She nodded.
He carried her into every room to show her the house and then was back in the living-room, not really sure where he should put her.
âIs the couch okay?â he asked her. She nodded.
âYou know I think that´s the best place. I can see you while I´m cleaning up here a bit and I still need to bring in the bag from the pharmacy and fill out the papers for your insurance. I need to cook something and...â
âLuke,â she interrupted him. He stopped mid-sentence.
âThank you!â she smiled.
Chapter 11:Iâve become so numb without a soul my spirit sleeping somewhere cold until you find it there and lead it back home
She had thrown up breakfast. She had thrown up lunch. Just like every day. She was out of the hospital but there was no difference. Not in her eating. Not in her behavior. She had been out of there for one week and... nothing.
She refused to leave the house. She lay on the couch or in bed the whole day. She still threw up. He knew that if that didn´t change he would have to bring her back to the hospital, because she kept getting weaker and weaker.
âLorelai, I´m going to make dinner. Do you want anything special?â he asked. She only shook her head.He had decided to make burgers and fries that day. He knew that it was too greasy and that it wasn´t good for her stomach. But it was her favorite food and she was used to it. Had been used to it.
She ate some fries without asking for ketchup and took a few bites of the burger before she got sick again. He rushed her to the bathroom. It was a daily routine. Three times a day after each meal he would carry her into the bathroom, hold her while she threw up, give her a glass of water to rinse her mouth, clean her up and change her if necessary.
And this evening was not different.
But he was not willing to give her up.
He had her bath ready after dinner, like every evening. The bathroom smelled like the peach-bubbles and the vanilla-scented candles.He undressed her slowly, careful not to hurt her before he put her in the bathtub.
But he had decided to make this evening different.
He undressed himself and she looked at him. Took his body in. Looked down shyly when he looked into her eyes.
He got in behind her. Pulled her against him when she tried to scoot away. She was stiff and felt uncomfortable.
His left hand rested on her stomach while he started to to stroke up and down her arm with his right one. He played with her fingers, stroked up her arm, glided his fingers over her shoulder and collar-bone. Then the whole way back. Slowly he felt her relax.
She put her left hand on his and laced her fingers through his. She sighed.
âWe look like four-hundred-year old people,all wrinkled, let´s get out of here!â he whispered into her ear after another half hour of silence and stroking.He toweled himself dry and wrapped the towel around his hips before he pulled her up and held her bathrobe open for her. He had bought it after she had moved in with him. It was pink.
He held her in his arms for some moments longer than necessary, after he lifted her out of the tub.
On a normal night he would have creamed her skin with her favorite lotion, dressed her in her pajamas, and put her in bed.
But he had decided to make this evening different.
She was surprised when he lifted her up without dressing her. He carried her into the bedroom and untied the robe, then placed her naked on the bed. She looked scared and intimidated. He only smiled and rolled her onto her stomach. He left her for a moment and came back with the lotion. When it touched her body she shivered because it was cold.Then he started to massage the lotion into her skin. He massaged her back, massaged all the knots out of her muscles. Sometimes she winced, sometimes she moaned, but she tried to stay still.
He started at her shoulders and slowly his hands worked their way down. He did not stop when he reached her lower back. For some seconds she stiffened again, but relaxed when she noticed that his touch stayed innocent, only massaging her body to relax her.
It tickled when he reached her knee.
It felt heavenly when he gave her a foot-massage. First left, then right.
He took her hands in his and massaged them. Then up her arms and back to her shoulders.
Then he took the bandana away from her head. The stiffness was back.
He closed his eyes for a moment, but was actually relieved when he saw that her hair had started growing again. It was still short and he could see the skin underneath. But it was there.
His father had died without hair.
He glided his hands over the short hair before he added pressure, without lotion this time.
He stopped when he heard her sniffling. He leaned forward and placed a kiss on her cheek before he went back to what he had been doing before.
When he was finished he placed the bandana back on her head, then took her panties and bra and started to dress her.Not in her pajamas. In jeans and a T-shirt.
âLuke, what are you doing?â she asked for the first time.
âSssh, just wait!â he said and picked her up.
âNo, Luke no! I don´t want to go outside!â she tried to argue when he walked with her still in his arms. He didn´t react, just walked around the house and to the beach.
It was already dark, they were alone and the only thing they could hear were the waves. He sat down in the sand, put her in his lap, and buried his nose in her shoulder. She took his right hand, the one he was not using to steady himself, and drew lazy circles on the back of his hand. They did not speak.
It took some time but after an hour she was asleep. Lulled to sleep by the sounds of the waves.
After he had placed her back on the bed, in the bedroom, he called Rory. He had promised her that he would call her every second day. And he kept his promise. They talked about Lorelai, of course. But sometimes also about Richard and Emily, about Logan, and Yale. About when Luke would bring her back home. If he would bring her home.âIt´s just...I don´t know what to do anymore! I just don´t. There is no improvement, not one. She gets weaker every day. Maybe it was the wrong decision to take her out of the hospital. Maybe the doctor was right and it was just a crazy and dangerous idea.â Luke said and sounded as desperate as he felt.
âNo, no...she is not. She is doing what I tell her, she is bearing my touch and sometimes I think I just torture her by making her do all those things, Rory. Maybe we just ... maybe we should just let her go...â he had to stop because the tears began to fall on both sides. He listened how she sobbed. She heard how he wiped his tears away. But then they heard something different.
âLuke?â Lorelai whispered and slid down next to him. She had no idea how she had made the way out of the bedroom and into the kitchen by herself. It had taken forever and she had to walk along the furniture for support, but she had heard that he sounded desperate while he was talking to someone when she had woken up. She wanted to know who he was talking to. What he was saying. She had heard every word on her way.
Luke looked up and was speechless. Then she held out her hand and he handed her the phone. She touched his cheek with the fingers of her other hand to wipe away the remaining tears.
âRory?â she said shakily after more than ten months.
Chapter 12
All this time I can't believe I couldn't see, kept in the dark but you were there in front of me
They had talked for hours. They had cried and laughed. There had been reproaches and forgiveness. Sadness and happiness. Luke had witnessed it all, sitting next to her on the kitchen-floor. She had ended up in his lap when the floor had become too cold. Dawn had arrived when they finally went to bed.
It had been the turning point. She had reassured him the next day that he shouldn´t give up on her. That he should stay by her side. That she needed him.
She had told him that she loved him a week later.
Their routine stayed, but she participated. She walked around the house.She ate. She talked to him.
It took her four more days until she was finally able to keep down the food. They had celebrated it with eating pizza, with extra cheese the next day.
He didn´t need to bring her back to the hospital.
Over the next six months they stayed in that house. She refused to go back to Stars Hollow until she was looking nearly normal again.When she felt better she actually started to enjoy the time they had in the beach house.
They took long walks on the beach.Sat there and watched the sunset.Argued over her first cup of coffee.Bantered over the food.
And when she started to trick him and tease him again, he knew for sure that she was feeling better.
It wa a beautiful six months, but not easy ones.
From time to time, she would still be quiet and pensive, wrapped up in her own thoughts. She still needed time alone. She still started to cry sometimes and then cling to him while he reassured her that he would never leave her.
âI need more time! I told you that.ââI'm afraid of this 'more time' stuff. I'm afraid it'll take forty years and that's not good.â
âLorelai.â
âWe'll miss our middle. I want a middle. And the town is dividing us up. I need that to stop.â
âDon't.â
â Luke. I am all in. I'm all in. Please trust me. Let me show you what a great girlfriend I can be. But I can't wait. We can't wait. I need to know what you're thinking right now.â
âFine. You want to know what I'm thinking right now? That I can't be in this relationship. It's too much.â
An evening, two months after the call, she had deepened the goodnight kiss they shared every night since she had spoken to Rory.
They had made love that night for the first time after a year and neither one of them had been aware of how much they had missed each other, until their bodies were joined again.
Afterwards she had told him for the first time why she had left him. It was like a dam broke and all the words finally spilled. She had told him about her fears, about the time in LA and her time in San Francisco. About all the therapies and what she had felt. About her loneliness and when she had given up.
And when he had told her about what he had felt when she had left him, it had been her turn to hold him and reassure him that she would never leave him again. Willingly.
They had brought it all out in the open that night, and it helped them both.
She had lost her insecurities concerning her body towards him and had stopped wearing the bandana in the house afterwards.
It was like they were falling in love all over again.
When her hair grew and she gained weight, she started to leave the house more often during the day. Not only at night.They went swimming when it was hot and fooled around on the beach.
They went shopping for clothes and she even got him to join her in the lingerie store, when she had decided that she needed new dessous for him.
They tested all the restaurants and junk food places in the area and after the six months she knew every pizza or fast-food delivery guy by name.
There were still the check-ups at the hospital but they became less frequent after some time and she was relaxing more and more.Luke had cooked for the nurses as a thank you and they were all stunned how different Lorelai really was. For them it was like a new person. Only Luke knew she was just being her old self again.
Nearly every day they talked to Rory or Richard and Emily. Sometimes Sookie. It had been hard for Lorelai at first because every time she had to explain what had happened. Had to listen to how sorry they were. And had to tell them why she had left.
And then finally, after six months, she had decided that she was ready to go back home. Home to Stars Hollow. Luke couldn´t have been happier.They took a last walk on the beach; went a last time to the hospital to say goodbye.
When they heard the announcement of their flight at the airport Luke got overwhelmed by his emotions and hugged her so hard she had problems breathing.
âI...I ...I just didn´t think that I would be able to take you back home sometimes,â he admitted.
âBut now you can. Let´s go home, babe!â she smiled and kissed him, then they entered the plane.
âHey, do you remember the first time we met?ââWhat?â
â I'm just trying to remember the first time we met. It must have been at Luke's, right?â
âIt was at Luke's, it was at lunch, it was a very busy day, the place was packed, and this person...â
â Ooh, is it me? Is it me?â
â This person comes tearing into the place in a caffeine frenzy.â
âOoh, it's me. â
âI was with a customer. She interrupts me, wild-eyed, begging for coffee, so I tell her to wait her turn. Then she starts following me around, talking a mile a minute, saying God knows what. So finally I turn to her, and I tell her she's being annoying -- sit down, shut up, I'll get to her when I get to her.â
âY'know, I bet she took that very well, 'cause she sounds just delightful.â
â She asked me what my birthday was. I wouldn't tell her. She wouldn't stop talking. I gave in. I told her my birthday. Then she opened up the newspaper to the horoscope page, wrote something down, tore it out, handed it to me.â
â God, seriously. You wrote the menu, didn't you?â
â So I'm looking at this piece of paper in my hand, and under "Scorpio," she had written, âyou will meet an annoying woman today. Give her coffee and she'll go away.â I gave her coffee.â
â But she didn't go away.â
âShe told me to hold on to that horoscope, put it in my wallet, and carry it around with me one day it would bring me luck.â
Only Rory, April, Emily and Richard and Sookie knew that they were coming home that day. And only these people waited at the airport.
Lorelai ran to Rory the moment she saw her and Lorelai was surprised when her mother hugged her and started crying. It was a very emotional meeting at the airport and when Rory hugged Luke and thanked him over and over for bringing back her mother, only Aprilâs presence kept him from breaking down. The weight on his shoulders was suddenly gone. He felt that as Lorelai slid her arm around his waist and pulled him close when they walked out of the airport; he mirrored her actions.
He had brought her back home. And back to life.
TBC
Chapter 13 Don't let me die here, there must be something more: Bring me to life
Epilogue:
One year later
âMom, are you ready? Everyone is here! They are all waiting for you!â Rory was shouting.
âYes, I am! Come in!â she shouted back and smiled.
When Rory entered the room she looked stunned at her mother. She had seen the perfect dress many times before, but this time it seemed to fit even better. It hugged her in all the right places and she seemed to have a little more than her weight back now. The dress had a cream white skirt and flowerson the camisole. She had decided against the veil again and wore a tiara instead.
And it really was perfect. Not only the dress. Everything.
It was a beautiful day in September, it was warm but not hot. The whole town was outside in the garden of the Dragonfly, waiting for the bride. Emily sat next to Mia in the front row while Richard was waiting in front of the door to walk his only daughter down the aisle. He was chatting with April who was, like Rory, one of the bridesmaids, about books and science. Luke was waiting under the chuppah, Jess trying to calm him, as is the function of the best man. Everything was perfect, it really was.
âWow, you´re so beautiful! Look at you.â Rory said and hugged her mother.
âThank you!â Lorelai smiled; actually beamed.
âYou´re ready?â Rory asked again, her motherâs hands still in her own. She did not hesitate.
âYeah, let´s go!â she said smiling even brighter and they walked out of the room she had used to get ready. Leaving her normal clothes, her purse and shoes behind. Her old life and the most horrible nine months of her life.
She loved the sunlight outside and blinked because she was looking directly into the sun, the beams tickled her nose. She could see her father and April waiting for her.âLorelai,â Richard smiled warmly and took her arm. He squeezed it, she looked up, and then hugged him.
âGod, I´m so nervous!â she whispered in his ear. Her father hugged her tighter and then stepped back, giving her a reassuring smile.
The music started and together they walked down the aisle, towards the man she loved and she looked at him, tried to get eye-contact. Then she focused on getting to the altar, careful not to trip. She heard gasps and whispers, even some sniffles, and her own eyes teared up, too.
She stood next to him. Her father kissed her cheek and gave her hand to her fiancé, who laced his fingers through hers. The priest started his speech, but she wasn´t paying attention.
This was the happiest day of her life and she had been waiting forever for it to arrive.
He had brought her back home; he had showed her how to live again.
She wanted nothing more than to marry him, to be his wife until the end of time.
She didn´t have a bachlorette-party this time. She did not want to be away a whole day and night from Luke, when she was still so happy they were together again. They had spent more than enough time apart in the past. And besides, she wasn´t able to sleep without him anymore.
âI do.â she heard him say and suddenly realized that it was her turn now. She saw that the priest opened and closed his mouth,without hearing him, then looked at her expectantly. She looked at him, then turned and looked at Luke .He wore his black tux. He was shaven. He wore a white dress-shirt. No cap. He had a new hair-cut. Very short. He looked so amazing. Perfect. And he was smiling. At her, just for her. Her eyes teared up and she grasped his hand so tight it must have hurt him. But his smile got wider and he whispered âI love you.â
âI love you too,â she whispered back, his smile got even wider. A tear left her eye and she said it. Loud, for everyone to hear.
âI do,â her voice cracked and she started to cry. Happy tears. They exchanged the rings.
She did not heard the priest say âYou may kiss the bride,â but she saw Luke´s face come nearer and then felt his lips on her own. She slid her arms around his neck and pulled him closer, her right hand caressing his neck.
His arm was around her waist, playing and stroking over the fabric of her dress. He was glad that she had her figure back and wasn´t that skinny anymore. It had reminded him for some time in which state she had been when he had found her.
His other hand tangled in her long curly hair she had again.
The crowd cheered and clapped and at some point they knew they had to break the kiss.
He pulled back first, a little embarrassed, because he still wasn´t a big fan of public displays of affection. Even at his own wedding.
Rory was the first to congratulate them, followed by April, Richard, Emily, Sookie, Logan, and the rest of the guests, meaning the whole town of Stars Hollow, some relatives of Luke and Lorelai´s family, most of them she had never seen. But she wanted them to be there again, like the last time, to see that this time she was going through with it.
Afterwards they cut the cake Sookie had made, and Lorelai nearly needed a ladder to reach the top because it was so huge. They fed each other with the cake and Luke made a face, when he realized that it tasted like coffee. Lorelai just shrugged.
âDon´t make a face. You know you like it! And you must be used to it by now, because you kiss me!â she said and took the opportunity to kiss him again.
âMmmmh, you should start drinking coffee, I love coffee-kisses!â she laughed afterwards.
âI think you are drinking enough coffee for the two of us. Or for the whole town...â he answered.
He was confused when she pulled on his hands and led him away from the crowd mid- sentence. She stopped when they stood in her office. She locked the door and opened her desk, then took out an envelope.âI didnât think that it would be possible anymore!â she said and Luke´s eyes opened in shock when he saw that it was an envelope from the hospital.
âI had the last check-up a month ago and they found something,â she said, looking down on the floor.
Luke slowly opened the envelope, prepared for the worst. What he found inside wasn´t a paper with a diagnosis on it, but a picture. An ultra-sound picture. He took it out and stared at it, unable to see something on it.
âWhat´s that?â he asked and looked at her. That´s when he realized she had tears in her eyes and the biggest smile on her face he had ever seen. She was glowing.
âThis Mr. Danes is what they found: Our baby, three months old, growing inside of me,â she laughed and cried at the same time.
Luke was speechless, he could only kiss her.
âWell. Hon´ that´s exactly what put me in this position and now I will get fat!âshe pouted after they broke the kiss.
âThat´s a nice change!â he smiled and then they both became serious.
âLuke, I know I said it like a thousand times already, but: Thank you! You saved me! I wouldn´t be here today without you.â Her hands rested on his neck, while she looked into his eyes.
âI wouldn´t be here either today without you. So it seems you saved me right back,â he grinned. They shared another kiss and then walked outside to make an announcement.
They had created life.
The End
Hi,
ich bin echt sprachlos und beeindruckt. Erst dachte ich, na ja vielleicht frage ich dich erst mal worum es geht, aber dann, ach was solls ich werde es schon begreifen.
Somit habe ich mich heute morgen dran gesetzt und die Story bis jetzt nicht aus der Hand gelegt.
Der erste Teil, Luke und Lore vor dem Traualtar, ich dachte ich wird nicht wieder, als sie ihn einfach so sitzen lässt.
Und dann ein gutes halbes Jahr später im Krankenhaus, da war mir plötzlich alles klar und ich habe bis zum Schluss gehofft, dass du keine Dark FF draus machst. Meine Gebete wurden erhört und mit einem riesen Grinsen im Gesicht habe ich die Geschichte beendet.
So toll. Ich habe fast alles verstanden und auch mit den medizinischen Begriffen, so viele waren es ja nicht, bin ich klar gekommen. Wozu gibt es schlieÃlich ein Wörterbuch. *g*
Also 2 Daumen hoch
, bin gespannt, was dir als nächstes einfällt.
LG Emerson Rose
Wowww der letzte Teil ist toll!! Congratulations!
Auch von meiner Seite, war deine FF einfach nur grandios.
Anfangs dachte ich auch, dass du ne Dark FF draus machst, aber es hat sich ja doch noch alles zum Guten gewendet.
Was ich auch sehr gut fand war, dass ich mir Lore ohne Haare verdammt gut vorstellen konnte. Hat mich n bisschen traurig gemacht, als du geschrieben hast, wie holflos sie im Bett liegt und nicht mal mehr richtig von alleine aufstehen kann, geschweigedenn laufen.
Sehr schön war aber, als Luke ins Zimmer gekommen is und beide seit Monaten wieder richtig geschlafen hatten.
Ich fand auch, dass das letzte Kapitel einfach nur das Beste war. Es fing zwar ganz genauso an, wie das Erste, aber das war ja grad das schöne dadran. Das Ende is aber immernoch unübertroffen.
Ich hab zuerst gedacht, dass sie SCHON WIEDER einen Tumor hat, aber dann hab ich mir gedacht, dass das ein bisschen hart ist. Also habe ich mir (schon wieder ;-) ) gedacht, dass die beiden ein Kind kriegen.
Bin auch schon gespannt dadrauf, was dir als nächstes einfällt...
Liebe Jessi,
meine Freizeit sinnvoll nutzend, habe ich mich doch glatt mal dran gemacht, die FF-Section aufzuarbeiten. Und da mir bisher alles von dir sehr gut gefallen hat, bin ich natürlch an dieser hier nicht vorbei gekommen.
Ich muss dir erneut ein riesiges Kompliment aussprechen. Du hast hier eine sehr emotionale Geschichte geschrieben, die sehr anrührend ist. Jeder, der einen Fall von Krebs in der Familie hat oder hatte, kennt die Trauer und Angst, die damit verbunden ist. Und die Scham, sich vor anderen Leuten zu zeigen. Und natürlich die Menschen, die man liebt in Trauer zu versetzten. Es ist dir sehr gut gelungen zu beschreiben, wie schnell man aufgeben kann, wie schnell man in Lethargie verfallen kann - eben die Hoffnung verlieren kann. Lorelai hat mir sehr leid getan, eine furchtbare Diagnose. Bei dir muss sie sehr oft schmerzhaft lernen, dass Luke immer für sie da ist. Das fällt mir an deine FFs auf. Uns als Zuschauern war es immer klar, aber dir ist es wichtig, dass bei Lorelai irgendwann mal endgültig der Groschen fällt, was sie da eigentlich für einen wahnsinnig tollen Kerl aufgegabelt hat.
Mir hat es sehr gut gefallen, ich habe sogar ein kleines Tränchen verdrückt, als Lorelai dann schlieÃlich doch 'I do' gesagt. Jetzt bin ich mal gespannt, was es sonst noch so für Schätzchen von dir hier zu finden gibt
LG und noch mal ein groÃes Kompliment, Norma
Woa Jeez, wie zum Geier kommst du immer auf so geniale Ideen und WIESO schreibst du so urgenial?!?! Meeensch... Die ist so klasse, die Story.. Voll traurig, und dann natürlich voll schön am Ende... Ach du bist genial... *anbet*