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hey,

ja, ich schreibe sicher weiter, bin im Moment nur ein bisschen im Stress, aber der neue Teil kommt bald...


Ced

Ok, dann üb ich mich in Geduld
Wollte nur sicher gehen, dass du überhaupt noch weiter schreibst..
Lg

Hi!

Also erstmal sorry, dass es solange gedauert hat, aber es war wirklich stressig in letzter Zeit.
Hier kommt ein neuer Teil aber vorher noch re-FBs:

@ Anne: Danke! Dein FB hat mich sehr gefreut!
@ Anna: Danke auch dir! Und danke fuer deine Komplimente, ich hoffe du hast das Interesse an der FF noch nicht verloren!
@ Aki: Danke fuer dein gedankenvolles FB, und du musst ja auch nicht auf Englisch schreiben und nochmal sorry, dass es solange gedauert hat.


Alright,

[FONT=&quot]PART 3[/FONT]


Adjustment. Assimilation. The process of an adaption to predefined circumstances. It is supposed to be hard but always successful. Many people have done it before. So, why then, can’t I be the winner in this?


Spring slowly is arriving. The first flowers begin to blossom. The world around me is losing its gray color and awakes to a new life. But there’s one thing I don’t understand. How come the seasons keep changing since you disappeared? Doesn’t anybody realize that an important thing is missing? That my life went missing in the previous winter? That I am still living in the past?

I’m standing on the porch of our house. Looking around with one hand on my heart. I can feel it beating. But there’s this hole inside of it. It’s more than a hole. I think my whole heart has been ripped off of my body and it just keeps on beating because of some kind of a miracle.

Once again, I’m sitting down on the old garden swing, hardly breathing. I close my eyes, reliving moments with you. The proposal comes to my mind. It all started out with one of the worst days of my life. My daughter had moved into my parents’ house. It had been the worst fight we ever had. I went home to tell you. I remember catching you at work. As I told you the news, you were furious, came up with some absurd ideas to get her back. But while you were ranting on about that, my emotions started to change. I’m hardly am able to describe it. First I was so angry and at the same time so sad that my relationship with my daughter had taken that kind of a turn. But then I looked at you, acting out of love towards my child and I realized how deeply I loved you. How I wanted you to be with me. How I wanted you to love me all my life. I looked up at you and just asked. I could see the expression on your face drop and then form a wide, but surprised smile. You said yes, you said yes to marry me. I know I’ve stolen your moment, but did it really matter at that moment? I don’t think so. I’ve just been happy and I could tell, you were, too.

I feel my hands trembling and force myself to stop thinking of you. I stand up, walk down the stairs and go for a walk. It’s hard for me to go around our hometown. I can feel the people’s glances on me. I’m not often there anymore. I used to participate in every stupid and useless event in that town. You always claimed that you hated them, but I always knew that deep inside of you, you just loved to mock them. You went to every single one of them with me…
I catch myself in thinking about you again. I just can’t help it. You are the major thought inside my head. All the time. I’m taking a deep breath now. I see Ms. Patty approaching me. But I don’t really am aware of her. I know she won’t say anything anyway. She won’t get an answer from my side. I pass her. I do know that it’s not friendly. It’s not her fault. It’s not anybody’s fault. But still, I’m not able to talk to her.
The gazebo becomes shape in front of me. I walk up these few stairs and sit down on one of the cold benches. I don’t know why I went here. I immediately regret it. I close my eyes, focusing on an event four years ago.

I slowly walk down the small path leading to the gazebo. My daughter and my best friend are walking a few feet in front of me. Both are wearing cute purple dresses. I see my kid looking back at me. Her face nearly shines, her smile couldn’t be any brighter. I looked down at myself. I’m wearing a white dress. It took me ages to pick that particular one. But now, it seems just perfect to me. Speaking of perfect, I look up the gazebo. And there you are standing besides the minister and your best man. I know Zack seems to be a weird choice for that but it feels right, you told me before. And Zack couldn’t probably be happier about it. I let my eyes wander on your body. I’ve always liked men in suits, but you’re the most gorgeous man, I’ve ever seen. The black suit fits you beautifully. As my eyes arrive at your face, my heart misses some beats. I’ve never seen you that glad. That caring. That touching. That relieved to see me.
I give you my best and brightest smile.
Finally, I’m standing beside you. The preacher keeps on talking. I don’t really listen to him. He’s not important. I just stare at your face. Smiling. Incredulous to be about to marry you. Nothing around me is important. Just you. Then, I hear your words.
“I do.”
I recover from some kind of trance and I’m aware of the words spoken.
“I do. Till death do us part,” I answer.

I open my eyes again. The gazebo is deserted. No priest, no Zack, no you. Tears keep on streaming down my cheeks. I haven’t even been aware that I was crying. I wipe them away. At least I kept my promise.
Till death do us part.
Death. Life. Everything in between. It doesn’t matter anyway, does it? All that counts is that I’m here. Alone. Without you.

I look down at the bench. There are some words engraved in it. I thoroughly read them.

Light up, light up. As if you have a choice. Even if you cannot hear my voice. I'll be right beside you ,dear.

I subtly shake my head. These lines don’t make any sense. They’re just not true. I can’t feel you, touch you, think about you, without grief. Why is the sun still shining, when everything feels just like rain? If I had one wish, it would be to see you again. But it’s not possible. Just not possible.
[FONT=&quot]So I’m searching for a possibility to be with you in a world that just won’t stop turning.[/FONT]

hey Ced,
another wonderful and very sad chapter.

Zitat:Spring slowly is arriving. The first flowers begin to blossom. The world around me is losing its gray color and awakes to a new life. But there’s one thing I don’t understand. How come the seasons keep changing since you disappeared? Doesn’t anybody realize that an important thing is missing? That my life went missing in the previous winter? That I am still living in the past?

That´s so sad. I really feel Lorelai´s emotions.

Zitat:But there’s this hole inside of it. It’s more than a hole. I think my whole heart has been ripped off of my body and it just keeps on beating because of some kind of a miracle.

That´s some really great writing.

Zitat:And there you are standing besides the minister and your best man. I know Zack seems to be a weird choice for that but it feels right, you told me before.

Zack is a really great choice. I think it´s actually better than Jess or TJ.

Zitat:So I’m searching about a possibility to be with you in a world that just won’t stop turning.

The best sentence in the whole chapter, just amazing.

Keep on writing, I´ll be waiting
love, Anna

I´m so glad that you posted a new chap
You´re amazing. I love your story, I love your ideas and I love your writingstyle.
The memories from Lorelai are so cute.
And the wedding sound soo great. And I can imagine how beautiful Lorelai had looked on this day. And Luke in a suit ^^
Especially about the proposal

Cedric schrieb:Light up, light up. As if you have a choice. Even if you cannot hear my voice. I'll be right beside you ,dear.

And this song from Snow Patrol is awesome. And I really had tears in my eyes when I read this lines.
I hope that you have more time in future to post fast a new chap
Love Anne

hey,

offensichtlich wird mein FB weniger, aber nun gut. Dieser Teil ist der vorletzte, wie gesagt, diese FF ist sehr kurz.

Danke an Anna & Anne, your thoughtful review meant a lot. thx




PART 4






Possibility. A future prospect or potential. Emphasis on the word future. But where is the future? I just can’t see it. Is it really there, without you?

I turn around in my bed. I don’t want to wake up, yet. But the sun wanders up my body and finally tickles my nose, my eyes. Unwillingly I open them and slowly get up to look out my window. Outside the world is brimming with life. Flowers, birds, humans. Just everything. Once again, I feel like a stranger who doesn’t belong anywhere. I’m wondering, what I’m doing in here, when everything is going on outside. But as I’m about to open the window, I remember, why I’m inside. Alone. I don’t want to be outside. I don’t want to brim with life. I just want to brim with you.
I sigh and go down into the living-room. It’s a mess, but I couldn’t care less. I walk over to one edge. 10 boxes are standing there. I open the one standing on top. Some pictures are falling out of it. I quickly shuffle them aside. I don’t want to look at any of them. But of course, my glance reaches your face. Blue baseball cap, the fine lines on your forehead, your blue eyes, your unwillingly smile.
It hits me once again. Pain. I wanted to avoid this. I have to avoid this. I’ve tried to keep thoughts of you out of my head. And miraculously, it has worked for the last couple of days. But your face seems to be screaming at me now. Waves of pain that have lapped at me before now rear high up and wash over my head, pulling me under.
I don’t resurface for quite a time.

Once again, I’m sitting down on the cold floor, embracing myself. I desperately try to focus on different things. On anything. Just not you. But it’s impossible. I can’t think of anything that’s not related to you. I can’t even drink coffee anymore. It just screams your name. It tastes like you…

I walk into a diner. My day has been exhausting. My daughter had been crying the whole all the time, until my new best friend finally was able to shush her. She offered to take care for her for a few hours. I am relieved and in desperate need of some coffee. This is the first place that came into sight, that’s why I’m in here now. Oddly, it says ‘William’s Hardware’. But I’m not wondering about that anymore. This town is just crazy. To my disappointment, the place is packed. Lunchtime, I guess. But I don’t care. I make my way up to the counter, ordering coffee. But before I can even open my mouth, the grumpy guy behind the counter hisses,
Wait your turn.
I’m surprised by this rudeness. I haven’t expected that. So I’m following him around, being on the edge to a caffeine-frenzy. I think I’m annoying him after a little while because he suddenly turns around, grips my shoulders and puts me down to one of the vacant seats, handing me a newspaper and then strolling off again. A weird idea reaches my mind. I’m searching for pencil and ask him, when his birthday was. As I finally get my answer, I rip out the horoscope page and write something down under scorpio. As he hurries past me for the 100th time, I’m able to catch a sleeve of his odd flannel shirt and to hand him the horoscope. He still looks annoyed at first. But as he reads my writings something similar to a smile spreads across his face.
For the first time now, you look at me. I can see your blue eyes. Just like mine. They twinkle. Even your smile changes now. From a slightly curious one to a crooked smile. I have to admit, I like it. While I’m thinking about it, I don’t even realize that you already poured my cup of coffee. As you’re about to turn, I say,
I’ll be back, you know.
You don’t respond anything, but once again, you’re smile flashes.

I open my eyes. It’s dark around me. I haven’t paid attention to how long I’ve been sitting here. I feel stiff as I finally get up and sit down on the couch. Another day obviously got brushed away.
I sometimes wonder how that happens. But time obviously passes. Even when it seems impossible. Even when each tick of the second hand aches like the pulse of blood behind a bruise. It passes unevenly, but pass it does.

Suddenly another emotion hits me. Anger. Indescribable anger. How could anyone let this happen? How could this happen to me? I’m caught in the middle. Wrong time, wrong place and I’m hopelessly missing you. I just can’t deny that fact.
My thoughts get carried away again.

I’m sitting at the exactly same spot, watching some cooking show on TV. Suddenly my phone rings and I get up. I’ve been waiting for you to call. And I knew, you would, just like you promised. I’m happy to hear your voice. You’ve been gone for too long. We talk about nothing in particular. It’s not important anyway. All that counts is your voice. After a little while, we hang up. Beforehand, you tell me that you’ll be home tomorrow morning. I feel relief. I’ve been alone for some time now. But I get that you have to look after your nephew. It’s just who you are. But nevertheless, I’m happy I’ll get you back.
I decide to go to bed early. There’s nothing much to do anyway. I don’t know what I dream that night. But suddenly a shrill ringing wakes me. I glance at my alarm clock. It’s 3.24. Immediately, I’m alarmed. That couldn’t mean something good. I reach out for the phone. Someone, I don’t know, talks to me. His words are only whispers. But I’m able to understand him. I hear, what he’s saying. But I can’t grasp the news. It just can’t be true. You can’t be gone. You’ll be here in any second.
As I hang up the phone, I’m still in denial. I try to get up, making myself a cup of coffee. But I’m struggling to do that. I’m stumbling down the stairs, gripping the banisters, as I’m about to fall. I’m not even able to sit down on a chair, I slide off of it. I’m sitting on the cold floor now. My head is hollow. No thoughts are swirling around. I can hear my breath becoming faster. It’s hard to breathe now. Finally, air doesn’t reach me anymore. And to my relief, I can feel the first tears running down my cheeks, dripping down onto the floor. I still can’t think straight. But it’s not necessary. I know all that counts. You won’t be coming home anymore. A scream, a scream of grief escapes my lips.

I clasp my hands onto my mouth. I can’t think about that. I just can’t. Still, after half a year, it’s unbearable to think about that night. About the following days. For heaven’s sake, just to think of your name, hurts. It hurts too much. I haven’t been voicing your name for ages now. That’s my only protection right now because if I did realize that I have lost you… Love, life, meaning… over.

So, I’m trying to find your name in a world that just won’t stop turning.

Hey Ced
Great to have you back here.
And with an awesome chap. You make me everytime cry.
All the emotions and the feelings from Lorelai are so real. And the way you describe these is amazing.
The first memory from Lorelai was great. I liked the way they got known each other.

Cedric schrieb:I can hear my breath becoming faster. It’s hard to breathe now. Finally, air doesn’t reach me anymore. And to my relief, I can feel the first tears running down my cheeks, dripping down onto the floor. I still can’t think straight. But it’s not necessary.

I know how Lorelai had felt in this moment, I have to say. And you describe it so real and with so much reality. It´s amazing.

Cedric schrieb:That’s my only protection right now because if I did realize that I have lost you… Love, life, meaning… over.

Yeah, denial is the best way to get over something. But almost it hurts more than the truth and the reality.
to find your name in a world that just won’t stop turning.[/quote]
And I find it really sad that there is only one chap left. I hope that you will write another Fanfic.
Love Anne

hey Ced,
I´m really happy to read an new chapter.
Each one of them nearly made me cry. It´s so sad and still wonderful. All the emtions of Lorelai are so real.

Zitat:Suddenly another emotion hits me. Anger. Indescribable anger. How could anyone let this happen? How could this happen to me? I’m caught in the middle. Wrong time, wrong place and I’m hopelessly missing you. I just can’t deny that fact.
My thoughts get carried away again.

Oh, I sure know this feeling. The way you described it is perfect.

Zitat:I haven’t been voicing your name for ages now. That’s my only protection right now because if I did realize that I have lost you… Love, life, meaning… over.

That´s so awfully sad. I don´t know what else to say.

Zitat:So, I’m trying to find your name in a world that just won’t stop turning.

Loved the sentence.

I´m sad that there´s just one chapter left but I´m really looking forward to it.
love, Anna

Konnte deine neuen Chapter erst jetzt lesen, weil mein Internet eine Zeit lang keine Lust hatte, zu funktionieren..

Ich mag deinen FF sehr gerne.

Zitat:Why is the sun still shining, when everything feels just like rain?

Das frag ich mich auch oft^^ mein Lieblingssatz in dem Chapter.

Zitat:As I hang up the phone, I’m still in denial. I try to get up, making myself a cup of coffee. But I’m struggling to do that. I’m stumbling down the stairs, gripping the banisters, as I’m about to fall. I’m not even able to sit down on a chair, I slide off of it. I’m sitting on the cold floor now. My head is hollow. No thoughts are swirling around. I can hear my breath becoming faster. It’s hard to breathe now. Finally, air doesn’t reach me anymore. And to my relief, I can feel the first tears running down my cheeks, dripping down onto the floor. I still can’t think straight. But it’s not necessary. I know all that counts. You won’t be coming home anymore. A scream, a scream of grief escapes my lips.

Als ich den Teil gelesen habe, war ich den Tränen nahe. Wie die anderen beiden schon gesagt haben: Du kannst Gefühle einfach toll beschreiben. Ich kann mich ebenfalls sehr gut mit dieser Situation identifizieren. Wenn Menschen sterben, die einem sehr nahe standen, dann ist dieser Moment, in dem man es erfährt der Schrecklichste von allen. Obwohl der Moment, wo einem erst wirklich klar wird, dass derjenige für immer weg ist der Allerschrecklichste ist. Hmm... ich kann mich so schwer entscheiden. Sagen wir, beide sind schrecklich.

Zitat:So, I’m trying to find your name in a world that just won’t stop turning.

Wieder ein so schöner und trauriger Satz. Warum ist eigentlich Rory nicht bei ihrer Mom und nimmt sie in den Arm? Keine Ahnung, eine traurige und verbitterte Lorelai finde ich schrecklich. Aber man hat sie ja mittlerweile schon in mehreren Folgen traurig gesehen.. bei Rory ist das nichts ungewöhnliches, aber bei Lorelai berührt mich das jedes Mal zufiest (herrje, ich sollte das FB schnell beenden - ich bin so dramatisch und emotional):pfeif:

Ich freue mich auf den letzten Chapter deines FFs (ich glaube, es ist der letzte, oder?)
Aber lass dir ruhig Zeit, ich wollte nicht hetzen.
Ich mags eigentlich selber nicht so, wenn man mich zum weiterschreiben drängt, also tut es mir wirklich leid.

LG, Aki:herz:

Der letzte Teil.

Danke an Anne, Anna und Aki fuer eure Reviews. They mean a lot to me.
This part is for you.



PART 5






Names. Names are words. Nothing more than words. A few letters. Close to numbers, even. You say names to address persons, things. But to call out your name is impossible. I can’t form those four letters. Those four letters into one word. I just… can’t.


Aimlessly, I wander around town. People don’t even bother to talk to me anymore. They know I won’t answer. My glance is strangely unfocused. I only see the ground where I’m going. No people, no cars, not even the sidewalk itself. I just see my feet and a strange gray underground. It doesn’t mean anything to me. Just like everything else in the world. I don’t know really why that is. Life is supposed to have a meaning, a direction. But life’s also supposed to be joyful, full of love. Where did it all go missing? I do know of that. But still, I can’t accept it. And I never will. I’m sure about that.
Whenever I want to change something, I take a look deep inside of me. But where my heart is supposed to be, I can’t feel anything. It’s like there is none. There’s just a big black hole. But even this hole is aching with every breath I take, without you.

I’ve been thinking about this for a long time now. A lot. First, it seemed pathetic to me. It would have been cheating on every one, I’ve ever known. But with time passing by with no change at all, the desire to do it grew stronger and stronger. And finally I’ve made my decision. There are no doubts there anymore. It is the only way. The only way to stop my heart from hurting. The only way to escape the grief. The only way to make me tolerable again. Just, the only way.

Although my glance is strangely unfocused, I exactly know where I’m going. Single-minded, I go down the familiar road. The road I know like the back of my hand. And yet, today it seems all new to me.
I recall all the things that happened here in this little town in my head. The best things in my life happened here. My life seems to be passing my inner eye, but as I come to the point where you suddenly turned my life upside down, I stop. I just can’t think about it. Not yet. My thoughts wander back to a letter I wrote to my daughter. It’s safely put onto the kitchen table. She will find it in due time. I’ve perfectly thought this plan trough. It will work, I’m sure of that.
This is the hardest part. I have to disappoint her. I have to sadden her. But on the other hand, it’s the only way to put her out of that misery, too. She’s been suffering with me, desperately trying to reach me. But it’s a lost battle. I know that. She doesn’t. She wants to cling onto that life we shared, without realizing that it’s over. That it’s over for such a long time now. But now she’s finally going to see it. Reality will hit her hard, but she’s going to survive. Without that knowledge, I would never do this. But she’s better off this way.

Finally, I’m there. The street’s nothing more than a cart-way now. There’s a little ascent now. I climb it without any difficulties. It’s an easy thing to do. The easiest thing on earth. I stop as I’m on the highest point. For once, I look around, finally noticing my surroundings. I’m standing on a bridge now. It’s high enough to serve my purpose. I step to the right side, gripping the banisters. I take a deep breath. I can smell nothing in particular. It’s only me and nature. Nobody to disturb me. Nobody to withhold me.
Slowly, I climb over the railing. Once, my right foot slides of. And for an instance I think, it might be too late. But I get grip on myself again. At last, I’m standing exactly where I want to be. My toes just inches away from the edge. I take a short snippet down. It’s high enough. I’m strangely pleased with myself.

Once again, my thoughts are drifting away. To you. And now, I’m finally letting the feelings float me. I had forbidden myself to think about you. But I haven’t been able to block out my dreams. Just last night, I dreamed that I called out your name. You turned your face to me and started to say something so beautiful it hurt deep inside. And I realized I would love you till the day that I die. What I also realized was that nothing’s fair anymore. But I know a better place, where I’ll finally be able to stop dreaming of you.
With one last breath, I let my fingers unwind from the railing and push myself forward. I can feel my feet losing ground. Finally, I’m able to feel that I’m falling. It’s better than I’ve imagined it. I’m only a few feet away from the ground now. The wind is mussing up my hair. It feels wonderful. I feel wonderful.
Now I’m hitting the surface of the water. The collision doesn’t hurt at all. I sink deeper into the water. I don’t even try to swim, to fight for my life. But actually, that’s what I’m doing. I’m rescuing myself. I’m rescuing myself from a life that hasn’t been one for 8 months.

I can’t hold my breath anymore. My mouth opens and I can feel the water running down my lungs. It’s freezing and for a split of a second, I feel pain. But as fast as it came, it disappears again. My conscience is fading now. I don’t know where the ground is, whether I’m upside down or not. It’s not important anyway. Ultimately, the world around me becomes black.
But just a second later, something shiny catches my eye. It’s not the oft-cited light at the end of the tunnel.

It’s just you.
It’s just your face. I realize I’m lying on the ground now. I stand up and slowly walk towards you. The nearer I come, the taller you become. You’re just standing there, one arm outstretched towards me. Your smile is an angel’s smile. As I’m walking towards you, I can feel my heart mend. The big black hole doesn’t exist anymore. It seems like it never had been there in the first place.

I’m whole again. I’m whole again with you.

Finally, I’m reaching you. As my hand touches your hand, it hits me like a lightning. I finally have you again. And I’m never going to let go off you. Never again. You softly take my hand and walk me into the other direction.

Lorelai, I love you.

I look at you and I know I’ve made the right decision. I’m just incomplete without you, nothing’s worth anything, when I’m not with you. I don’t reply your I love you. Instead, I just look at your face. At your blue eyes. At your eyes, which are shining full of love.
I just say one word. One word that means more than anything to me.

Luke.

You look at me and your face mirrors comprehension. You let go off my hand and wrap your arm around me. I don’t know where we are going, or whether it’s going to end somewhere. But I know I will be safe with you. As long as I can see you, touch you, feel you.
And I’m feeling that I’m right there. I’m right there where I’m supposed to be. I’m complete.

For the last time, I turn around.
I turn around to a world that finally stopped turning.