[medea]

FRED: I asked if he had a ten-foot ladder.
SUSIE: Okay.
FRED: But I didn't ask that when I hired my tax guy or the girl to get my brother laid after his divorce. You don't need a ladder for those jobs.
SUSIE: Fred, did you ever hire anybody at William Morris in a professional, show-business capacity?
FRED: Not per se.

MIDGE: I just can't get my checkbook to balance, - and it's driving me crazy.
ROSE: What's going on?
ABE: Nothing. Miriam can't balance her checkbook.
ROSE: Why on earth would you have her doing that - in the middle of the night, Abe?
ABE: I live in a Dr. Seuss book.

ABE: And this is what you're getting paid for selling all that Tupperware?
MIDGE: It's no way to get rich, but I did win an aquarium. Which has been surprisingly expensive to maintain. I sold the most pastel Wonderliers in my region.

ABE: I'll forgive your mother in the morning. For God's sake, the woman owns a Chanel sleep mask.

JOEL: Looks like it's gonna be four debates.
MEI: Kennedy-Nixon?
JOEL: He's such a creep.
MEI: Which one?
JOEL: Nixon. Mei.
MEI: They both have skeletons.

JOEL: Ethan wants one of these Etch A Sketch things, but they're $2.99, and he'll break it in, like, a day.
MEI: What's an Etch A Sketch?
JOEL: You draw on the screen with the knobs, then you shake it, and the picture erases.
MEI: What's the point of that?
JOEL: To teach kids that nothing lasts.

ROSE: Hmm. Your house, my goodness, it's even more stunning than it looked in Town & Country.
Mr. MELAMID: My great-grandfather had it built in. We throw on another wing from time to time... birthdays, Hanukkah.

MR. MELAMID: We've had a lot of schemers and gigolos who look at Lorraine and see the goose that laid the golden egg. She almost married an actor.
ROSE: Heavens.
MR. MELAMID: I got him a job on the road promoting Ford Thunderbirds.

SUSIE: Mike Carr? Susie Myerson.
MIKE: Finally. I was about to leave.
SUSIE: You would've missed out on the meeting of a lifetime.
MIKE: When I went to a bullfight with Hemingway, that was the meeting of a lifetime.

MIKE: She's been on every goddamn talk show in the country.
SOPHIE: I have. I've been on Sullivan nine times.
MIKE: Yeah, I heard about you being "on Sullivan."
SOPHIE: He said he was leaving his wife.

(Entering the stage after a bubblebath-stripping-number)
MIDGE: Bubble, bubble, toil and trouble. Ooh! Everyone nice and lubricated out there?

ROSE: I have a new matchmaking client. Solomon Melamid, of the Melamids. - Are you listening?
MIDGE: Uh-huh, Mallomars.

ROSE: He'll read about you in the paper.
MIDGE: I doubt he reads L. Roy Dunham.
ROSE: Mr. Melamid reads everything.
MIDGE: Well, even if he does, we have different names. - Weissman, Maisel.
ROSE: L. Roy Dunham is a journalist. He will track down your identity and he will eventually print it.
MIDGE: Well, que será, será.

MIDGE: Susie, it's Sidney Poitier. 
SUSIE: What? Where?
MIDGE: There, front table.
SUSIE: Wow, and he's talking to, uh, Harvey. From the movie.
MIDGE: Harvey was the rabbit. But that is Jimmy Stewart. Oh, my God, Jimmy Stewart is sexy in person.

SUSIE: The lights are different, right?
MIDGE: Yeah, something's happening.
SUSIE: Good. I thought it was the drink. This shit has to be what killed Toulouse-Lautrec.

SHY: And now there's someone else who wants to chime in here. You know him, you love him. It's my good friend, Mr. Harry Belafonte.

MEI: There's birds on the top, kind of a Peter Pan collar thing.
JOEL: You look great.
MEI: You sure? I don't know. The skirt is weird, and I don't know what the bird is, and why is this a Peter Pan collar? I've seen Peter Pan, I've read Peter Pan. I don't get the connection.

MEI: The first thing they see is the dress and the second thing they see is me, so initially I asked the lady at the shop if she had a dress with a matzo ball print, which elicited exactly the kind of response you'd think... deafening silence... so I just took this one.
JOEL: You look perfect.

MEI: She taught me some things about Jewish culture. But it's all dumped out of my head. I had Yiddish. Now I have nothing.
JOEL: You have Jewish culture right here at your disposal.
MEI: I remember two words... "tsoris" and "gefilte fish."
JOEL: That's all you need to know.
MEI: I bought a yarmulke.
JOEL: Mei, honey, girls don't wear yarmulkes.
MEI: What? fuck.

MIDGE: So my invitation was a mistake.
SHY: I don't know. The PR team made the guest list. Jerry Lewis wasn't invited either, if it makes you feel any better.
MIDGE: Not really.
SHY: He came anyway. Princess Grace is here. Did you see her?

MIDGE: And look at you. A wedding, a dance, a song, - and you hardly break a sweat.
SHY: Ah. The trick's keeping the fabric on your clothes light. Nat King Cole taught me that.

MIDGE: Are you curious? What I would've said if I'd gotten on the plane?
SHY: Something about winged monkeys?
MIDGE: I would've said that I fucked up. I fucked up like I've never fucked up anything in a life not without its fuckups. I would've said I was scared off my ass getting on that stage, and Moms Mabley went on before me.

SHY: If I'd have let you on that plane, you would've brought Susie, and she would've tried to stab me with a cheese knife.
MIDGE: And I would have thrown myself in front of you and taken the blow. And some Brie.

LOU: I want you to meet my associate, Ken Bruni. Ken is Shy's new agent over at MCA.
[...]
Well, we just wanted to say hello and fill you in on some exciting news.
KEN: Shy's going to be the lead in Billy Wilder's next film.[/color]

LOU: Reggie's taken care of. Big severance. We threw him some publishing. He's buying a house in Westchester. - Everybody's happy. 
SUSIE: Oh, I bet. 'Cause when you think Reggie, you think Westchester.

SUSIE: We're getting gift bags.
MIDGE: That's tacky. I bet there's not even anything good... Oh, my God, it's Chanel No.5.

SUSIE: You told me, "Meet me out front."
MIDGE: There weren't any cabs out front, so I thought I'd go around the corner because I remembered that whenever I shop at Bergdorf's, I always go out the side door to grab a cab before they turn onto Fifth.
SUSIE: I got this cab on Fifth.

MOISHE: She sounds interesting, this girl.
JOEL: She is. She's great.
MOISHE: With a lot of different sides to her. Conflicting sides.
JOEL: What?
MOISHE: Well, the other night, the first half of dinner, she was Rachel, sometime before kugel, she was Rebecca, after kugel she was Ruth. You kept them biblical.

GORDON FORD: So, I'm gonna read them, and you are gonna say - if they are true or false.
SOPHIE: Have at it. 
SUSIE: Here we go.
GORDON: Frank Sinatra wrote a song about you.
SOPHIE: False. But it is true that I'm a tramp.

GORDON: You punched Olivia de Havilland.
SOPHIE: She had it coming.
GORDON: You punched Humphrey Bogart.
SOPHIE: Cried harder than Olivia.

GORDON: You once canceled a performance because you couldn't find your Seconal.
SOPHIE: Uh, no, I could find my Seconal. I just couldn't find the stage.