15.04.2006, 19:23
Forever
Lorelai stood in front of his door and couldn´t remember ever having felt so scared in her whole life. She knew she had to go in. She knew she had to tell him, to confess. She saw the light through the window in the door, saw his shadow walking past.
She had told herself that she didn´t do anything wrong. They were separated, had been when it had happened. It was why it had happened, they had happened. Again. After all this time.
Afterwards she had felt sad, cheap, and used. Although she was the one who had used him. Chris, the father of her only daughter. He had thought she wanted a relationship, wanted him back. But all she had wanted was a friend, someone to help her, to be there for her, and care for her. Lift her up and make her feel better, assure her that everything would be all right. Someone to take Luke´s part for her. But she knew no one could. Not even Chris, who really wanted to.
Luke was unique, like their friendship and their relationship. No one could ever replace him, not that she had ever thought someone could.
A friendship which had lasted for so long and had culminated in the deepest relationship she ever had wasn´t replaceable by someone else.
After she had broken up with him, she still had had the hope that one day, maybe, they could work it all out. When he would be out of his own head again, when he was accustomed to his new role as a dad, when Anna would have calmed down.
But that was all gone now, all her hope, her future.
She had pictured it so many times: Their new life in her remodeled house with their future kids. They already had the dog and the matching jogging-suits, the fence was no must, and the minivan would come with the kids. She had been so close to her whole package that she sometimes had been sure she already had it. It had been an illusion.
The whole package was more than what sprang to eye immediately: It was love, security, honesty, to open up and to fight, to reconcile and work the things out. A forever.
She knocked on the door and waited, holding her breath. She heard his steps on the ground, saw his shadow again, right before he opened the door.
He took her in, observed her standing there in front of his door. He knew something was wrong, he knew her well enough for that. But then he had always thought he knew her, before she had come to his apartment, begging him to elope with her right then and breaking up with him when he had refused.
He would never forget the seconds the words had left her mouth and she had given him his ring back. Already wrapped up and slipped off her finger, like she had known this was about to happen. Everything had gone into slow-motion: her handing him the ring, saying that she would go home now, the tears which had left her eyes before she left. How he had watched her walk away and the ground had disappeared under his feet. She was gone.
But now here she stood, looking at him with her big blue eyes and he wanted nothing more than to envelope her in a hug and tell her everything would be fine, they would be fine, she shouldn´t worry. Hope appeared in his eyes.
She walked past him into his apartment, swallowed hard when she realized how familiar this was. His couch were they had spend so much time talking, the table where they had eaten together more than once, his bathroom which maybe still had her shelf in it for her toothpaste, the bed where hours of pleasure had taken place. Why couldn´t it all work out? Why weren´t they meant to be? Why did they both have to mess up so badly? Why couldn´t they turn back time and make everything right again?
He closed the door behind her, watched her when she walked into the middle of the room with slumped shoulders and a hanging head. She was standing in his apartment again, the one. The only one for him.
She couldn`t look at him and got scared when she felt his presence behind her. She had to do it, she had to tell him. A year ago she wouldn´t have said anything, would have thought that it would be better this way. But what did she have to lose?
âI slept with Chris last night!â He heard her say, it broke the silence.
âWhat?â He asked. He did not want to hear it again. But he couldn´t believe it. Yet.
âI slept with Christopher.â She whispered this time, and heard him gasp. The sharp intake of breath sounded more like a heart breaking or shattering into a million pieces, to her. And it was.
He felt the pain, felt the dizziness, got numb, everything turned in front of his eyes before it came to an abrupt halt. He got a tunnel vision and his fantasy started projecting images in front of his eyes: Their first dance, their first kiss, the first time they made love, the first time they broke up, the first time she cried for him, the first time they made up. When she proposed, when he accepted. When she was desperate and was there. When April showed up and Lorelai had planned the wedding. When he had told her and she had understood. When they stopped talking, when she slipped away from him. When he reassured her that he loved her, when she believed him once again. When she had lost the trust in him and left him. When she slept with Christopher.
He saw them in front of him, making love. He saw him touch her, heard her moan, heard them laugh and her cry out in ecstasy, heard him whisper words of love.
And then he felt something different: Hate.
She heard him start to pace in the room, her back was still turned to him. His steps got faster and heavier. He walked to the bathroom door and back. To the kitchen and back. He walked in circles around her. Made her more nervous than she already was.
âLuke!â She whispered before she heard a crash.
He had shoved everything off the table. The cups, the spoon, the plate. Everything crashed on the floor. The cups shattered.
He didn´t stop. Couldn´t stop. He picked up the bag that he had packed with her stuff and threw it at her, it hit her legs and she jumped back.
âLuke!â She cried out. He stopped,walked to her, and stopped in front of her. He looked at her, but didn´t look her in the eyes. But she did, and was scared of what she saw in them.
âGet out of my apartment!â He hissed with clenched fists.
âLuke, please!â She sounded as desperate as she felt.
âGet out! Right now!â He yelled at her, but she couldn´t move. Her whole body shook, tears clouded her vision and ran down her cheeks, while she stared at him.
âWas it good? Oh, I´m sure it was! You´ve been dreaming about it for years! First you dump me and then you go to him! What do you want now, Lorelai? Rubbing it in my face, is that entertainment for you? This is so cheap, you disgust me!â He yelled.
âI didn´t want to... I just..â She sobbed.
âWhat? You didn´t want to sleep with him? Do you really think I`m that stupid? But why am I upset? We are broken up, we were when you slept with him!â
âI was sad and upsetâ She tried.
âOh, I´m upset, too. Maybe I should go, find an ex and fuck her then!â He screamed and went into the bathroom. The shelf crashed on the floor.
âLuke can´t we talk about it? Please, Luke, hear me out!â She cried.
âAbout what? About what should we talk? The details what you did with him? You broke up with me! You gave me my ring back and walked out of here without giving us a second chance! You said it was my fault, all of it, but I can´t remember that you complained about anything! No, this one time, when it would have been important, you kept silent. You hate my daughter because she threw you off your throne of full attention, you hate her mother because she exists, and you hate me for not ignoring them. I´m not Christopher. I was always there. Always! And now that I do it for my own daughter you´re against it. So what do you want to talk about? None of that will change!â
âLuke, I love you!â She cried out and lunged towards him, but he stepped back, making her stumble, nearly falling.
âDon´t you dare say that. You don´t even know what love is! I told you a hundred times that I love you but I can´t remember ever hearing you say it back! If you really love me, you wouldn´t have left me, because this would have meant too much to you. This relationship was everything to me. You were everything. You were it for me, but obviously that was one-sided. I loved you so much Lorelai, but now I´m just disgusted! I don´t want to talk to you and I don´t wanna see you, ever again! Go and don´t come back!â He spit out.
âI really do love you!â She whispered before she turned around and walked to the door. Then she stopped, hearing him breathe heavily, she had to tell him again.
âYou have no idea how sorry I am. I love you, you are it for me. I wanted to marry you so badly, I still do. I want to be your wife and have your children, be with you for the rest of my life. And I know it´s not an excuse, but no one ever hurt me as much as you did when you shut me out of your life. I needed a friend, but you are my best friend, so I needed someone different. And then... it just happened, after we got drunk. If I could turn back the time and change it I would. You are right, you are so right, saying I should have talked to you sooner, instead of bottling everything up. But the old Luke would have realized that something was wrong. But still we are meant to be Luke, we are!â She said as calmly as possible.
âThe old Lorelai would have said something. And obviously we aren´t meant to be. Look what you did, we are so far from meant to be. I trusted you more than I have ever trusted anyone. And you took it and threw it away, for the second time now. Both times it was because of him. I can not deal with you anymore!â He said just as calmly and quietly and closed the door behind her, directly in front of her face.
Lorelai stared at the door again, saw when he switched the light off. Heard the sounds of things crashing into others. Heard him start to sob minutes later.
She knew what she could lose, what she had lost: her best friend, her soul-mate, her lover, her whole package. There was no going back. She had lost it, had lost him. Forever.
End
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Lorelai stood in front of his door and couldn´t remember ever having felt so scared in her whole life. She knew she had to go in. She knew she had to tell him, to confess. She saw the light through the window in the door, saw his shadow walking past.
She had told herself that she didn´t do anything wrong. They were separated, had been when it had happened. It was why it had happened, they had happened. Again. After all this time.
Afterwards she had felt sad, cheap, and used. Although she was the one who had used him. Chris, the father of her only daughter. He had thought she wanted a relationship, wanted him back. But all she had wanted was a friend, someone to help her, to be there for her, and care for her. Lift her up and make her feel better, assure her that everything would be all right. Someone to take Luke´s part for her. But she knew no one could. Not even Chris, who really wanted to.
Luke was unique, like their friendship and their relationship. No one could ever replace him, not that she had ever thought someone could.
A friendship which had lasted for so long and had culminated in the deepest relationship she ever had wasn´t replaceable by someone else.
After she had broken up with him, she still had had the hope that one day, maybe, they could work it all out. When he would be out of his own head again, when he was accustomed to his new role as a dad, when Anna would have calmed down.
But that was all gone now, all her hope, her future.
She had pictured it so many times: Their new life in her remodeled house with their future kids. They already had the dog and the matching jogging-suits, the fence was no must, and the minivan would come with the kids. She had been so close to her whole package that she sometimes had been sure she already had it. It had been an illusion.
The whole package was more than what sprang to eye immediately: It was love, security, honesty, to open up and to fight, to reconcile and work the things out. A forever.
She knocked on the door and waited, holding her breath. She heard his steps on the ground, saw his shadow again, right before he opened the door.
He took her in, observed her standing there in front of his door. He knew something was wrong, he knew her well enough for that. But then he had always thought he knew her, before she had come to his apartment, begging him to elope with her right then and breaking up with him when he had refused.
He would never forget the seconds the words had left her mouth and she had given him his ring back. Already wrapped up and slipped off her finger, like she had known this was about to happen. Everything had gone into slow-motion: her handing him the ring, saying that she would go home now, the tears which had left her eyes before she left. How he had watched her walk away and the ground had disappeared under his feet. She was gone.
But now here she stood, looking at him with her big blue eyes and he wanted nothing more than to envelope her in a hug and tell her everything would be fine, they would be fine, she shouldn´t worry. Hope appeared in his eyes.
She walked past him into his apartment, swallowed hard when she realized how familiar this was. His couch were they had spend so much time talking, the table where they had eaten together more than once, his bathroom which maybe still had her shelf in it for her toothpaste, the bed where hours of pleasure had taken place. Why couldn´t it all work out? Why weren´t they meant to be? Why did they both have to mess up so badly? Why couldn´t they turn back time and make everything right again?
He closed the door behind her, watched her when she walked into the middle of the room with slumped shoulders and a hanging head. She was standing in his apartment again, the one. The only one for him.
She couldn`t look at him and got scared when she felt his presence behind her. She had to do it, she had to tell him. A year ago she wouldn´t have said anything, would have thought that it would be better this way. But what did she have to lose?
âI slept with Chris last night!â He heard her say, it broke the silence.
âWhat?â He asked. He did not want to hear it again. But he couldn´t believe it. Yet.
âI slept with Christopher.â She whispered this time, and heard him gasp. The sharp intake of breath sounded more like a heart breaking or shattering into a million pieces, to her. And it was.
He felt the pain, felt the dizziness, got numb, everything turned in front of his eyes before it came to an abrupt halt. He got a tunnel vision and his fantasy started projecting images in front of his eyes: Their first dance, their first kiss, the first time they made love, the first time they broke up, the first time she cried for him, the first time they made up. When she proposed, when he accepted. When she was desperate and was there. When April showed up and Lorelai had planned the wedding. When he had told her and she had understood. When they stopped talking, when she slipped away from him. When he reassured her that he loved her, when she believed him once again. When she had lost the trust in him and left him. When she slept with Christopher.
He saw them in front of him, making love. He saw him touch her, heard her moan, heard them laugh and her cry out in ecstasy, heard him whisper words of love.
And then he felt something different: Hate.
She heard him start to pace in the room, her back was still turned to him. His steps got faster and heavier. He walked to the bathroom door and back. To the kitchen and back. He walked in circles around her. Made her more nervous than she already was.
âLuke!â She whispered before she heard a crash.
He had shoved everything off the table. The cups, the spoon, the plate. Everything crashed on the floor. The cups shattered.
He didn´t stop. Couldn´t stop. He picked up the bag that he had packed with her stuff and threw it at her, it hit her legs and she jumped back.
âLuke!â She cried out. He stopped,walked to her, and stopped in front of her. He looked at her, but didn´t look her in the eyes. But she did, and was scared of what she saw in them.
âGet out of my apartment!â He hissed with clenched fists.
âLuke, please!â She sounded as desperate as she felt.
âGet out! Right now!â He yelled at her, but she couldn´t move. Her whole body shook, tears clouded her vision and ran down her cheeks, while she stared at him.
âWas it good? Oh, I´m sure it was! You´ve been dreaming about it for years! First you dump me and then you go to him! What do you want now, Lorelai? Rubbing it in my face, is that entertainment for you? This is so cheap, you disgust me!â He yelled.
âI didn´t want to... I just..â She sobbed.
âWhat? You didn´t want to sleep with him? Do you really think I`m that stupid? But why am I upset? We are broken up, we were when you slept with him!â
âI was sad and upsetâ She tried.
âOh, I´m upset, too. Maybe I should go, find an ex and fuck her then!â He screamed and went into the bathroom. The shelf crashed on the floor.
âLuke can´t we talk about it? Please, Luke, hear me out!â She cried.
âAbout what? About what should we talk? The details what you did with him? You broke up with me! You gave me my ring back and walked out of here without giving us a second chance! You said it was my fault, all of it, but I can´t remember that you complained about anything! No, this one time, when it would have been important, you kept silent. You hate my daughter because she threw you off your throne of full attention, you hate her mother because she exists, and you hate me for not ignoring them. I´m not Christopher. I was always there. Always! And now that I do it for my own daughter you´re against it. So what do you want to talk about? None of that will change!â
âLuke, I love you!â She cried out and lunged towards him, but he stepped back, making her stumble, nearly falling.
âDon´t you dare say that. You don´t even know what love is! I told you a hundred times that I love you but I can´t remember ever hearing you say it back! If you really love me, you wouldn´t have left me, because this would have meant too much to you. This relationship was everything to me. You were everything. You were it for me, but obviously that was one-sided. I loved you so much Lorelai, but now I´m just disgusted! I don´t want to talk to you and I don´t wanna see you, ever again! Go and don´t come back!â He spit out.
âI really do love you!â She whispered before she turned around and walked to the door. Then she stopped, hearing him breathe heavily, she had to tell him again.
âYou have no idea how sorry I am. I love you, you are it for me. I wanted to marry you so badly, I still do. I want to be your wife and have your children, be with you for the rest of my life. And I know it´s not an excuse, but no one ever hurt me as much as you did when you shut me out of your life. I needed a friend, but you are my best friend, so I needed someone different. And then... it just happened, after we got drunk. If I could turn back the time and change it I would. You are right, you are so right, saying I should have talked to you sooner, instead of bottling everything up. But the old Luke would have realized that something was wrong. But still we are meant to be Luke, we are!â She said as calmly as possible.
âThe old Lorelai would have said something. And obviously we aren´t meant to be. Look what you did, we are so far from meant to be. I trusted you more than I have ever trusted anyone. And you took it and threw it away, for the second time now. Both times it was because of him. I can not deal with you anymore!â He said just as calmly and quietly and closed the door behind her, directly in front of her face.
Lorelai stared at the door again, saw when he switched the light off. Heard the sounds of things crashing into others. Heard him start to sob minutes later.
She knew what she could lose, what she had lost: her best friend, her soul-mate, her lover, her whole package. There was no going back. She had lost it, had lost him. Forever.
End
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