hey,
offensichtlich wird mein FB weniger, aber nun gut. Dieser Teil ist der vorletzte, wie gesagt, diese FF ist sehr kurz.
Danke an Anna & Anne, your thoughtful review meant a lot. thx
PART 4
Possibility. A future prospect or potential. Emphasis on the word future. But where is the future? I just canât see it. Is it really there, without you?
I turn around in my bed. I donât want to wake up, yet. But the sun wanders up my body and finally tickles my nose, my eyes. Unwillingly I open them and slowly get up to look out my window. Outside the world is brimming with life. Flowers, birds, humans. Just everything. Once again, I feel like a stranger who doesnât belong anywhere. Iâm wondering, what Iâm doing in here, when everything is going on outside. But as Iâm about to open the window, I remember, why Iâm inside. Alone. I donât want to be outside. I donât want to brim with life. I just want to brim with you.
I sigh and go down into the living-room. Itâs a mess, but I couldnât care less. I walk over to one edge. 10 boxes are standing there. I open the one standing on top. Some pictures are falling out of it. I quickly shuffle them aside. I donât want to look at any of them. But of course, my glance reaches your face. Blue baseball cap, the fine lines on your forehead, your blue eyes, your unwillingly smile.
It hits me once again. Pain. I wanted to avoid this. I have to avoid this. Iâve tried to keep thoughts of you out of my head. And miraculously, it has worked for the last couple of days. But your face seems to be screaming at me now. Waves of pain that have lapped at me before now rear high up and wash over my head, pulling me under.
I donât resurface for quite a time.
Once again, Iâm sitting down on the cold floor, embracing myself. I desperately try to focus on different things. On anything. Just not you. But itâs impossible. I canât think of anything thatâs not related to you. I canât even drink coffee anymore. It just screams your name. It tastes like youâ¦
I walk into a diner. My day has been exhausting. My daughter had been crying the whole all the time, until my new best friend finally was able to shush her. She offered to take care for her for a few hours. I am relieved and in desperate need of some coffee. This is the first place that came into sight, thatâs why Iâm in here now. Oddly, it says âWilliamâs Hardwareâ. But Iâm not wondering about that anymore. This town is just crazy. To my disappointment, the place is packed. Lunchtime, I guess. But I donât care. I make my way up to the counter, ordering coffee. But before I can even open my mouth, the grumpy guy behind the counter hisses,
Wait your turn.
Iâm surprised by this rudeness. I havenât expected that. So Iâm following him around, being on the edge to a caffeine-frenzy. I think Iâm annoying him after a little while because he suddenly turns around, grips my shoulders and puts me down to one of the vacant seats, handing me a newspaper and then strolling off again. A weird idea reaches my mind. Iâm searching for pencil and ask him, when his birthday was. As I finally get my answer, I rip out the horoscope page and write something down under scorpio. As he hurries past me for the 100th time, Iâm able to catch a sleeve of his odd flannel shirt and to hand him the horoscope. He still looks annoyed at first. But as he reads my writings something similar to a smile spreads across his face.
For the first time now, you look at me. I can see your blue eyes. Just like mine. They twinkle. Even your smile changes now. From a slightly curious one to a crooked smile. I have to admit, I like it. While Iâm thinking about it, I donât even realize that you already poured my cup of coffee. As youâre about to turn, I say,
Iâll be back, you know.
You donât respond anything, but once again, youâre smile flashes.
I open my eyes. Itâs dark around me. I havenât paid attention to how long Iâve been sitting here. I feel stiff as I finally get up and sit down on the couch. Another day obviously got brushed away.
I sometimes wonder how that happens. But time obviously passes. Even when it seems impossible. Even when each tick of the second hand aches like the pulse of blood behind a bruise. It passes unevenly, but pass it does.
Suddenly another emotion hits me. Anger. Indescribable anger. How could anyone let this happen? How could this happen to me? Iâm caught in the middle. Wrong time, wrong place and Iâm hopelessly missing you. I just canât deny that fact.
My thoughts get carried away again.
Iâm sitting at the exactly same spot, watching some cooking show on TV. Suddenly my phone rings and I get up. Iâve been waiting for you to call. And I knew, you would, just like you promised. Iâm happy to hear your voice. Youâve been gone for too long. We talk about nothing in particular. Itâs not important anyway. All that counts is your voice. After a little while, we hang up. Beforehand, you tell me that youâll be home tomorrow morning. I feel relief. Iâve been alone for some time now. But I get that you have to look after your nephew. Itâs just who you are. But nevertheless, Iâm happy Iâll get you back.
I decide to go to bed early. Thereâs nothing much to do anyway. I donât know what I dream that night. But suddenly a shrill ringing wakes me. I glance at my alarm clock. Itâs 3.24. Immediately, Iâm alarmed. That couldnât mean something good. I reach out for the phone. Someone, I donât know, talks to me. His words are only whispers. But Iâm able to understand him. I hear, what heâs saying. But I canât grasp the news. It just canât be true. You canât be gone. Youâll be here in any second.
As I hang up the phone, Iâm still in denial. I try to get up, making myself a cup of coffee. But Iâm struggling to do that. Iâm stumbling down the stairs, gripping the banisters, as Iâm about to fall. Iâm not even able to sit down on a chair, I slide off of it. Iâm sitting on the cold floor now. My head is hollow. No thoughts are swirling around. I can hear my breath becoming faster. Itâs hard to breathe now. Finally, air doesnât reach me anymore. And to my relief, I can feel the first tears running down my cheeks, dripping down onto the floor. I still canât think straight. But itâs not necessary. I know all that counts. You wonât be coming home anymore. A scream, a scream of grief escapes my lips.
I clasp my hands onto my mouth. I canât think about that. I just canât. Still, after half a year, itâs unbearable to think about that night. About the following days. For heavenâs sake, just to think of your name, hurts. It hurts too much. I havenât been voicing your name for ages now. Thatâs my only protection right now because if I did realize that I have lost you⦠Love, life, meaning⦠over.
So, Iâm trying to find your name in a world that just wonât stop turning.
