[karana]

Chapter 4
Save me from the nothing I ´ve become
Nine months ago his life had changed so completely, he could hardly remember how it had been before. He couldn´t remember having fun. He couldn´t remember laughing. So much had changed when she had disappeared and taken most of him with her. He felt like she had just left an empty wrapper back in Stars Hollow and the rest was with her, wherever that was.
He stood in the diner behind the counter and watched how April did her homework. She was in the diner a lot more since the day in September. Sometimes she would even spend the night in Rory´s room and he would make breakfast for the two of them in the morning. Or Rory would join them and the two girls would take the double bed and he would sleep on the couch.
Lorelai and he had talked about adding another one or two rooms to the house. One for April and one for their future-kid. The one they had talked about and wanted. Had wanted. Before she was gone.
“Dad, can I have a burger?” April asked and made him leave his thoughts. She always did that when she realized he was thinking about Lorelai. Little did she know that he was thinking about her all the time, because everything he did or saw reminded him of her.“Sure. Normal or with cheese?”
“Make it with cheese. But without onions...”
“And normal fries and extra ketchup, I got it!”he said and walked into the kitchen.
“You have reached Luke´s diner. Please leave a message after the beep, I might call you back” the voice on the machine said, but she hung up quickly. She wasn´t sure if she had the right number and had been prepared for a wrong person, but not a wrong answering-machine.She had gone through all of Lorelai’s things and had found a wedding invitation with two phone numbers in Connecticut on it.
She knew she wasn´t allowed to go through the patient’s things, but she needed to do something, she couldn´t watch this woman die anymore. Die when there was no more need to. The therapies had been a success, the problem was that she was still very weak and refused to cooperate. She wouldn´t eat, wouldn´t get up, and wouldn´t talk. They had tried everything, but nothing was working. These two numbers were her last chance. Her last chance to live.
She tried the other number.
“Ah, Luke, come on! Now that you are living here we need a new text on Frida or she will get angry!”
“Who the hell is Frida?”
“The answering-machine, duh!”
“An answering machine can´t get angry!”
“You don´t know Frida, so it’s better not to risk anything! Come on tell me what to say!”
“Why can´t you just say: This is Lorelai Gilmore and Luke Dane’s house. We are not at home so please leave a message after the beep?”
“See, was that so hard? People you heard what the master said!” she laughed
“You recorded that?”
“I still am!” she giggled
“Give me that! Lorelai! Give me that damn tape!” Luke shouted
Beep
“Hello this is nurse Sally from the Memorial Hospital in San Francisco. I assume I have the right number, because I´m looking for friends or relatives of Lorelai Gilmore. She has been here for some time now and she could really need someone to support her. The therapy was a success, but she is in a very bad physical state. If you can help us or know someone who can help us, please give us a call, it´s very urgent! The number is 1415/3046724”
All the groceries Luke held in his hands dropped on the floor when he had heard Lorelai´s name. He pressed pause and then re-played the message several times. He couldn´t believe it. He knew where she was. They had found her. After nine months. Nine months of hoping and waiting, of fear, anger, and sadness they had finally found her. He couldn´t believe it and played the message again.He picked up the phone and wanted to dial the number he had scribbled on a paper, but then decided against it.
He wouldn´t call. Not after all this time. Not to find out why she was in hospital. Not after nine months of missing her.
He had a city and he had the name of a hospital and the nurse. He would fly over, now.
He ran upstairs and threw clothes in a bag. Some for him and some for her. Maybe she would want her own clothes.
Then he took a second and thought about what else he could need. He grabbed some photos, her pajamas and her Hello Kitty slippers and also threw them in the bag.
While he drove to the airport he was debating if he should call Rory or not. Or Emily and Richard. But he knew that they would want to come with him and he had no idea what was wrong with Lorelai yet, so he decided against it. They were worried enough and he would call them when he had seen her and talked to her.
He parked the truck and got out, mentally going through a list if he had the diner and everything else covered, without being too cryptic about his whereabouts and decided that he had done well.
“Did you get any response to your message yet?” the doctor asked her the next day.“No, I´m sorry, but there was no answer yet.”
“Could it have to do something with different time zones? Maybe they are still asleep over there?”
“No, I checked that. They must not have gotten it yet. If this Mister Danes is still living there.”
“Is he a relative?”
“Her husband so it seems” she said and handed him the invitation she still had in her pocket.

We proudly announce that we finally set a date
We
Lorelai Victoria Gilmore
and
Lucas William Danes
are getting married the 3rd September 2006
(exactly 3 months later than originally planned)
We would be happy if you would celebrate this day with us.
Please tell us if you are coming
Telephone: 1549876 or
1546483

“She arrived here at the end of September, didn´t she?” the doctor asked.
“Yes, I think so.’’
“She must have been so happy. I can´t imagine her being happy. She is always so sad.”
“Yeah. I listened to the message on the answering machine several times before I left a message because I couldn´t believe that it was really her voice I heard. She sounded really happy and chipper.”
“Maybe there will be some response to it. Hopefully.”
“Uhm, sorry Miss! Are you nurse Sally?” a man interrupted them.
“Yes, I am” she said and tried to remember where she knew him from, because he somehow looked familiar.
“My name is Luke, Luke Danes. You called me concerning Lorelai.”



Chapter 5
Bring me to life, Bring me to life
The nurse and the doctor stared at him, like they couldn´t believe that he was really there.
“Oh, thank god!” the nurse exclaimed.
“I´m doctor Adams, your wife´s doctor” the man introduced himself.
“She´s not my wife. She is my...” Luke didn´t know what to say. He had no idea what they were. If they still were something after nine months apart.
“Where is she?” he asked instead. The wish to see her was overwhelming, it was his only one.
“Before you can see her we need to talk to you. Would you follow me to my office?” Luke just nodded and followed the man. He only wanted to see her.
Nearly an hour later he came out of the office. His head was pounding. He felt happy and sad. Excited and numb with shock. They had told him so many things and he could only remember small parts: Cancer, radiation, operation, lung, chemotherapy, loss of weight, refused to eat, depressions, donor, resignation, antibodies... could die. The words flew around in his head and he began to feel dizzy. He sat down in a chair, but it didn´t help.
He could follow the explanations of the doctor very well because he remembered all those medical terms from his father, who had died of cancer. He felt sick. He ran to the toilet and threw up, but didn´t feel better afterwards. He desperately needed to see her.
“ You know, I never finished that boat. It's been sitting there half done for fifteen years.”
“Hey, Luke, don't you think you might have been a little hasty about the boat decision? I mean, you were upset, and I bet some day you're going to be really sorry you don't have that boat anymore.”
“No, it's better she gets rid of the thing now.”
“ But...”
“ I haven't even looked at that boat since my dad got sick. Not a glance, nothing.”
“ Even more reason”
“If it's gone, then I don't have to deal with it. It's time to move on, you know?”
“ But...”
“I'm fine. Really. Thanks for the ride”
“Any time”
“Can I see her now?” he asked half an hour later when he felt better and wasn´t at least walking like a drunken person anymore.
“Yes. But she is asleep. You have to keep in mind that she doesn´t know that we contacted you. She might get upset. We might not get any reaction at all”
“Yeah, I know. He told me.”
“Do what you think might help her. We have tried everything, we are out of ideas. But the most important things are that she eats and that she finally sleeps for more than ten minutes. She had problems with that right from the beginning and the fact that she is asleep at the moment is a miracle, but in less than five minutes she´ll be awake again. Her body could use some more rest,” the nurse told him and he just nodded. Then he followed her.
They stopped in front of a huge window. Behind it was a bed and he could make out the form of a human body in the bed. The nurse gave him one last reassuring smile before she left him alone.
There were machines in the room, a huge bed. He saw that she wore a white bandana on her head. They had told him that she had lost her hair. All her beautiful long brown curls. The room looked sad and depressing. Words he never thought he would use in one sentence with her name. Because that wasn´t her. She was sparkly, funny and beautiful. She had been.He saw two pink frames on her bedside-table and in one he could make out his own portrait. That´s when he knew he needed to go in there. He needed to be there for her. She needed him. And he needed her just as much. He just wasn´t sure if she knew that.
“See, there's a reason why I stay away from people on this particular day. It's 'cause I kind of suck.”
“Oh, Luke, I'm so sorry. I should have listened to you. I should have stayed out of it. You were right, I didn't think. I mean, I didn't think like you would think. I thought like I would think. And my thinking is sometimes very, very wrong if you're not me, and occasionally if you are me ...”
“You just keep thinking like you'd think”
“I can do that. Do you want to come in?”
He opened the door slowly and quietly, fighting the nausea which hit him when the scent of medicine came into his nose instead of the scent he had expected. Hers.
He put the bag he was carrying down next to the door and then walked towards her bed and stopped when he stood next to her.
She had no hair. Her face was grey. She was too skinny. She was lonely. Her cheeks were still wet with tears. She looked more dead than alive. He had trouble recognizing her. Maybe the nurse had shown him the wrong room. This couldn´t be her. For seconds he refused to believe it.
But then she wrinkled her nose for a short moment like she always did when she was asleep and was about to wake up. He had seen it so many times. And then he knew that it was her.
As quiet as possible, he leaned down and untied his shoes, then slid them off, and left them next to her bed. Then he sat down on the bed, careful not to wake her. He lifted his legs and put them next to hers, just on the blanket, not under it. He turned on his side, so he could watch her sleep. Like he had done before. Before before.
She also rolled on her side after some seconds and he thought she would wake up, but she didn´t. Unconsciously, she moved closer to him and pressed her forehead under his chin, her nose against his chest. He heard her take a deep breath. Then she snuggled closer. He slowly lifted his left arm and carefully lay it around her shoulders, pulling her even more into him. His chin rested on her cotton-covered, hairless head, but he didn´t want to take a deep breath, because she didn´t smell like herself. If that made sense.
Having her safe in his arms after nine months between hope and despair was like a dream come true.
He was afraid he would crush her; she looked as if she was made of glass and felt just as cold.
He heard her sigh and then he thought he heard her whisper his name. But when he looked down, her eyes were still closed. She was still asleep. The nurse had been wrong. She slept, maybe for longer than ten minutes.
He couldn´t help himself and placed a soft kiss on her forehead, which caused her to sigh one more time.
When he closed his eyes to memorize the feeling of having her in his arms again he realized that he was crying. Tears ran down his cheeks, one after the other.
So he kept his eyes closed to stop them from falling and drifted off to sleep.
She hadn´t been the only one who hadn´t slept for real in nine months.



Chapter 6
Now that I know what I´m without, you can´t just leave me
For the first time in months she was asleep. Truly asleep.
For the first time in months she was dreaming. A happy dream. She dreamed that he was there. Right next to her. She dreamed that she snuggled into him. That she could breathe him in. That she was surrounded by his scent. That his arms were around her, holding her close. She sighed, because the dream was so wonderful. She wanted to sleep forever and be wrapped in this feeling. So she kept sleeping.
He woke up late the next morning. It was around ten. He was slightly disorientated at first, but then he remembered.She was still asleep, lying halfway on top of him.
He thought about just staying in bed with her, waiting for her to wake up. But he decided against it. Carefully he untangled from her, placed her head softly on the pillow and stood up. He left his shoes next to the bed and walked, just in his socks into the bathroom, grabbing his toiletries from the bag.
He needed to take a shower, because he felt sticky and dirty. He wasn´t. It was just another effect the hospital had on him. He could see the bacteria crawl on his skin and he realized that he smelled like the hospital, too.
Lorelai opened her eyes just to discover that it had really been a dream. The realization took all the relaxing effect of her long sleep away from her and she curled into a ball, and brought her knees up to her chest, to make the cold go away. She wished she would have slept forever and just never wake up. This life was not worth living for anymore, but the dream was worth dying for. But there had not been such luck.Luke took his time taking the shower. It took time washing the feelings away, it took time washing the hospital-smell away and it took time to think about what to do.He was terrified of Lorelais reaction. What would happen when she saw him? Last night had been easy compared to now because he had known that she had been asleep. This time was different. His thoughts were running in circles through his head like they had done on the airplane.
But he knew that she needed him.
“If we can not get her to eat and to want to live, I´m afraid there is nothing more we can do for her”
“What can I do? Why doest she want to live?”
“I´m sorry, but we don´t know. It might have been the long and painful therapies, the loneliness, boredom. But we don´t know.”
She was staring out of the window again. This time without a tent covering her bed. The therapy had been successful, mostly. She wasn´t happy about it.
She thought she had heard the shower running, but she heard things all the time, her mind was playing tricks on her.
She thought she heard the door open and close, she thought she heard steps, very quiet ones. She thought she smelled him, like during her dream. She thought she heard his voice calling her name.
“This is nice”
“ Mm-hmm”
“ I think it's going very well, you and me. You think it's going very well?”
“I have very few complaints”
“Hmm. I'm going right past the very few complaints comment, 'cause I know you're just trying to bait me. What complaints?”
“Lorelai!” he said again when he got no reaction the first time. He took another step closer. That´s when she turned around. Not her whole body, just her head for a second. Then she resumed staring out of the window.
This couldn´t be true. He could not be here. Her own fantasy was playing cruel games with her. She concentrated on the window in front of her.
But then she felt a touch on her shoulder. She wasn´t imagining it. Someone was really in her room. Again she turned her head only to look into his blue, teary eyes which were pleading with her. She didn´t know for what.
“Luke?” she heard herself whisper. He gave her a little smile, his lips were trembling and his hand on her shoulder was shaking.
“I´m here” he whispered back. He took his hand off of her shoulder and walked around the bed, so she was facing him. He knelt down and took her hands in his. His eyes were staring into hers.
After a minute he took one hand away from hers and began to trace along the lines of her face. Over her nose, over her lips, down to her chin. Back up over her cheek to her sleeve. At some point she had closed her eyes.
But while she lay there she started thinking. She started to think about the fact that he was here. That he was here only for her. She wondered how he had found her. She wondered why he was here. She wondered if he was happy now that he had found her. And gave herself the answer: How could he be happy to find this? He must be scared and disgusted. She wondered why he hadn´t just turned around and gone away when he had seen her. He didn´t deserve this.That´s when she opened her eyes. When he wanted to touch her lips with his thumb again she flinched. He took his hand away.
“Go” she said, barely above a whisper. She got no reaction from him. Maybe he hadn´t heard her.
“Go!” she said again, louder this time.
“Lorel...”
“Please go!” she interrupted him, then closed her eyes. She did not want to watch him leave.
TBC