[karana]

Chapter 7 Breathe into me and make me real
“No.”
She opened her eyes.
“No! No! No!” Luke said and shook his head, just like she had done on that day in September. Her eyes got wide when she realized that he was crying.
“No! I won´t leave you here. Not after nine months apart. Not after I haven´t slept in months because I miss you so much. Not after seeing you like this. Not to let you die! No!” he said forcefully and leaned down and grabbed her by the shoulders. It took all of his strength not to shake her. He stared at her for some seconds, then embraced her. So hard she thought he had crushed every bone in her body.
“I won´t leave you! Ever!” he mumbled against her neck. She felt his tears on her skin, where the collar ended. She wanted to cry with him and embrace him so badly, but she couldn´t. She couldn´t do this to him.
She waited until his tears subsided, then pushed him away with all the strength she had. It wasn´t much but sufficient enough that he let her go.
“You need to leave,” she told him and let herself fall back against the pillow. She was too weak to fight.
“I won´t leave,” he said and sat down on the chair next to her bed. She couldn´t believe it. He was there. He had seen her. He wouldn´t leave. She had left him in front of the altar. What more could she do to protect him?
She just wanted to lay in her bed and stare out the window. She did not want to talk. She did not want to see him. She did not want to eat. And she did not want to live. She only wanted to protect him.
“You know, there are very few times in my life when I find myself sitting around thinking, "I wish I was married," but today, I mean -- I'm happy. You know? I like my life. I like my friends. I like my stuff. My time, my space, my TV.”“Yeah, sure.”
“But every now and then, just for a moment, I wish I had a partner, someone to pick up the slack. Someone to wait for the cable guy, make me coffee in the morning, meet the stupid sink before it gets sent back to Canada.”
“What happened? “
“I don´t love you. I never loved you. I want you to go away and leave me alone” she whispered because she was too weak to speak normally.
Luke remained silent, just sat in the chair and watched her. He knew her long enough to know what she was doing. He waited to see if she would try it again, but she didn´t have the strength to. So he sat on the chair. She lay in bed. He watched her. She ignored him.
After two hours he decided it was time for him to speak. Two hours was a long time. And he knew that her time would run out soon if he couldn´t help her.
“You know when you left me standing there in front of everyone, I really hated you. Just for a second. Then I hated myself for not realizing that you didn´t want to marry me. I thought that if I had spent more time with you, or listened more closely, then I would have seen it.
I talked with Rory after a couple of days and she told me the same thing. We blamed ourselves for not seeing it coming. But then, when I sorted through the pictures you gave me before the wedding to “get to know you better- the best and the worst” I realized that I´ve seen it all. And that I always knew. I could tell in which mood you were by the way the bell jingled when you opened the diner-door.
But this one time I was clueless. I imagined the most crazy scenarios, but they were all wrong.
But never, not for one second have I doubted that you love me. Because I know you do. And you can tell me that you hate me or despise me so often that you will believe it yourself, but I know that it´s not true.
Last night when I saw you I had trouble recognizing you, but then you wrinkled your nose and this little, stupid thing nearly made me cry. I don´t know if you can imagine how much I missed you. And then there you were. I took off my shoes and laid down next to you. And do you know what happened? You came closer. You laid your head on my chest and slung your arms around me. You slept peacefully and so did I. Because that´s the way it´s supposed to be. We´re supposed to be together. No matter what.
You did not say “I do”, but I did. I promised you to be there in richer and in poorer, in sickness and health. With my “I do” I promised it, because I love you. And that´s why you can´t make me leave. Because I do!”
“ I just hate that we were apart”“Yeah, wasn’t too fond of it myself”
“ Well, all I can say is, you’re lucky I’m back in your life, because clearly you were lost without me. I mean, it’s a miracle you’re even still alive. Right?”
“You bet”
He took the chair and placed it directly in front of her bed. She was still staring at the floor. She pretended that she had not listened. Inside it tore her apart. And of course he knew. He always did.
He took her hands away from the blanket she was gripping tightly and leaned over, so that his face was in front of hers.
“Look at the ring you are still wearing. I do, Lorelai. I do!” he whispered and placed a soft kiss on her forehead.
When his lips touched her skin it felt like an electric-shock that ran through her body. And she felt it. She felt the sensation and the tingling on her skin. There was no pain. There was no sickness afterwards. It did not hurt like all the needles. And it didn´t make her throw up like all the medicine.
It felt good. There were butterflies in her stomach and a tingling-feeling on her skin.
That´s what broke through her shield.
His love for her.
Her breath hitched, then caught in her throat. A sob escaped. Then, finally, the tears came. They weren´t the sad and lonely tears she would cry at night. But tears of desperation and fear, hopelessness and pain. Of pretending and resignation. All emotions she had kept to herself for nine long months broke free because of a simple kiss from him.
He wrapped his arms around her and sat down on the edge of her bed. He stroked over her head, like he had done before, except he couldn´t play with her hair anymore. He softly rocked her body from side to side, showered her forehead with kisses, massaged her shoulders carefully with his left hand.
It took her long to calm down a bit, and when she did the hiccuping started.
She looked up at him with tears still running down her cheeks and tried to say something, but the hiccups did not make it possible.
“Ssshhh!” he said and lay down on the bed, with her on top of him. She was so light. She buried her face in his chest and took some deep breaths. Then she lifted her head again and looked him in the eyes.
“I do,” she whispered before another hiccup could stop her and sniffled.
“I know,” he gave her a little smile which she returned. Her cheek muscles trembled. She couldn´t remember the last time she had smiled.
“You want some tea?” he asked and pointed to the table the nurse had left while they had sat in silence. She nodded.


Chapter 8I’ve become so numb without a soul, my spirit sleeping somewhere cold until you find it there and lead it back home
“So what do you want to do today?” he asked her after she finished her tea. He needed her to get out of the room, to stop staring out of the window, to stop dying.
She only nuzzled his throat with her nose and remained silent. She clung to him, her hand gripping his shirt, her body lying on top of his own.
“Hey, Miss Lazy, we can´t spend the whole day in bed. That´s not very productive, you know!” he tried to joke and rubbed her back with one hand.
“Mmmh” she made and closed her eyes.
“Hey, don´t sleep! You can´t fall asleep on top of me! I already can´t feel my legs anymore. Why don´t we go for a walk? Maybe the hospital has a garden or something. Come on” he pinched her waist softly.
“I can´t. I can´t walk and I hate this stupid wheelchair and I don´t want to go out looking like this. It´s embarrassing enough that you see me,” she mumbled already half asleep.
“Okay, then we stay here. Just get out of bed for some time, okay? We could sit over there on the window. Play cards or read a book. There must be something you want to do.”
Lukes pleading was having an effect on her. Although she didn´t want to do anything she realized how important it was for him.
“Maybe you can call the nurse, so that I can take a shower? I could really use one,” she suggested and he smiled.
“Forget about the nurse and we have a deal,” he said.
“No, Luke, really. I don´t want you to do that. I´m embarrassed enough as it is I don´t need you to shower me.”
“It´s not like we never did that before. I´ve seen it all. I´m your man Lorelai, what is there to be embarrassed about?”
“You are not...” she couldn´t say it.
“I said “I do”, remember?” he reminded her.
“Okay” She did not have the power to argue with him about a shower. Or about anything else. She would do anything he asked her to just that he would stay.
That morning she had wanted him to leave, just to protect him, but now she only wanted him to stay. She had understood that he meant the “I do” and that he would not let her go again. He needed her to lean on him.
“Okay, I’m sorry. I have to jump in here. Uh, I know you think you have this thing handled, but I can help. First off, we call Yale and we tell them something like, uh, Rory had a chemical imbalance and she was mentally out of her mind when she told them she was dropping out. And then we get her out of your parents house whatever way we can. We lock her up in her room with you, because you can talk anybody into anything. And if worse comes to worst, we will drive her to school every day and we will follow her to class and camp out there to make sure she goes. I’ll take morning classes, you take afternoon classes, or the other way around, if it works out better for your schedule. And I know there’s a few kinks to work out, the kidnapping thing might be a little problematic but either way, she is not quitting school. This was her dream. I am not going to let this happen. What?”
“Luke, will you marry me?”
Luke stood up and put her in a sitting position.
“We need the wheelchair, I can´t walk”, she said quietly and looked on the floor.
“You tried?” She shook her head. He took her hands and squeezed them gently, made her look up. After some moments of looking at her he put his hands under her armpits and lifted her slowly off the bed, put her down in front of him, so that she was standing. He carried her weight for some time, then took his hands away, so she had to stand freely. He took one step back from her and opened his arms. Like a toddler she stumbled into his arms and he caught her. She felt safe again.
They did that three times more and were nearly at the bathroom-door when her legs started trembling.
Before she could say something he had her scooped up in his arms and carried her into the bathroom.
He sat her down on the closed toilet, she sighed, bit her lower-lip.
He kneeled down in front of her, placed his hands on her knees.
“I can call the nurse, you know” his hands stroked up and down on her thighs. She looked at him, then shook her head. He kissed her cheek and grabbed the hem of her shirt.
“Arms up” he pulled the shirt over her head. He slung his arms around her and opened the clasp of her bra, then slid it of.
He pulled her up by her arms. She was standing in front of him, her gaze on the floor again. His eyes wandered over her body and his hands followed. From her collar-bone, which stood out, over her breast-bone and her breasts, down over her ribs, which were clearly visible, down on her stomach were he found a huge scar on her left side, where the ribcage ended. He had felt through the shirt that she was skinny, but she was emaciated. Skin and bones, nothing else left. On the skin he could make out little wounds from injections, IV, catheter...
“My god, what have they done to you?” he whispered shocked.
“It hurt so much. I don´t want them to hurt me anymore. Or make me throw up. I just want it to stop.” she said and her tears dropped on the bathroom-floor.
“No ne will hurt you anymore. I´m here now. I´ll look after you” he slung his arms around her and rocked her from side to side for the second time that day. He began to caress her back with two fingers, stroked up and down.
She broke out in goose-bumps and he felt her nipples harden against his chest.
“Let´s get you in the shower, you´re cold” he said and she felt his breath on her ear.
“I´m not cold” she pressed her lips on a spot under his ear, before she pulled back.
He steadied her when she slid of her sweatpants and her slip, helped her in the shower. There was a seat in it he realized relieved. He started the water and waited until it heated up. He made her whole body wet and then used his own shower-gel and massaged her skin thoroughly, then he washed it off. He reached for the bandana which covered her head, but she caught his hand.
“I want to do it. Alone” He nodded and told her he would be waiting outside.
When the door closed behind him, he leaned against the wall and buried his face in his hands and tried to keep himself from crying.



Chapter 9 How can you see into my eyes like open doors leading you down into my core
She was asleep again. The shower had exhausted her. Afterwards he had covered her body with lotion and massaged her back until she had fallen asleep. He had dressed her in one of his shirts, like she had wanted and covered her with the blanket. It was three o´clock in the afternoon. They both hadn´t eaten yet. He wasn´t hungry, but decided he would eat with her when she woke up. She had to eat.
He walked out of the room and to the room of the nurses. "Uhm, sorry, but could I use the phone here for a minute. I don´t want Lorelai to hear it”
“Yes, sure. You have already caused a miracle. She drank tea and slept a whole night through. That´s great!” she smiled and he just nodded.
He picked up the phone and dialed a now familiar number. He had dialed it many times over the past few months.
“Gilmore Residence,” a voice said.
“This is Luke Danes. Could I speak with Emily or Richard please”
“Yes, just a moment please.” Luke heard the melody which always played while the call was on hold.
“Luke, this is Richard!” he was relieved that Richard answered the call. He wasnt sure if he could bear another breakdown from Emily or had to reason with her.
“Richard listen, I have some news,” he said slowly, not knowing how to start.
“Concerning Lorelai?” Richard stated more than asked.
“Yes. Actually I found her. Or they found me, however you want to put it.” Silence.
“Shes in the hospital. Has been for the past nine months.” Silence
“You still there”
“Yes, yes. What is wrong with her? Where are you”
“She has...she had cancer. Lung-cancer. She went through all the therapies and the operation all alone and somewhere during that time she lost her will to live. They told me that the cancer is gone. For now. But she has not been eating, sleeping, or talking. I had a long talk with the doctors yesterday and they said that if I dont get her to eat, she wont make it. She´s extremely thin, and it´s ... god she looks like she´s dead already. I had problems recognizing her”
“Shall we come”
“No. No. I don´t think she wants that. She tried to send me away when I arrived. She does not want anybody to see her like this. I will stay with her. Could you maybe tell Rory that I found her and what happened”
“Yes, sure. I will inform Rory and Emily. And we really should not come? Maybe she needs Rory or her mother”
“She does. But she isn't accepting that right now. I will keep in touch and inform you”
“Is there anything else we can do”
“Just look after Rory until we are back”
“When will you be back”
“I dont know. It´s not looking good at the moment. Pray that I will be able to bring her back home”
“We will. Bye Luke”
“Bye Richard”
“And thank you.” Luke hung up the phone.
“”Who is Rory?” the nurse asked.
“The most important person in her life; her daughter.” Luke said.
“Will she come?”
“Lorelai does not want anybody to see her like this. We did not talk about it, but I can tell. When is lunch?”
“Twenty minutes”
“And what´s for lunch”
“Chicken potatoes and vegetables; beans I think”
“How long does she have to stay here”
“Until she isn´t weak anymore; she needs to build her strength”
“Is there a possibility that I could make her something to eat here”
“There´s a kitchen in our room, you could use that"
“That would be great. And is there a supermarket somewhere near here”
“Just around the corner actually”
“Good. I will go and buy some things, could you keep an eye on her as long as I´m gone? I´m not sure how long she is going to sleep”
“Yes, sure. And good luck with the meal”
“Thanks”, Luke gave the nurse a small smile and left.
It took him some time to find the market, to walk back and make their lunch; wild rice with a sauce and some meat.
“God I´m half-starved already! But look what I found!” he said jokingly when he entered her room. He stopped when he saw a nurse standing next to her bed with an injection in her hand, while Lorelai was curled into a ball, lying on her side, facing away from him. He put the lunch down on the small table and called her. No reaction. He tried again. Same result. That´s when he hurried over to her, turning her around, he saw her tear-stained face, so he sat down on the bed and pulled her into his arms.
“Whats that?” he asked the nurse, pointing to the injection.
“Vitamins. She needs them, because she refuses to eat”
“Take that away. It´s not necessary anymore. She will eat”
“But the doctor said...”
“Then tell him that she does not need it anymore.” Luke argued with her while he stroked up and down Lorelais back. Without another word the nurse left.
“I don´t want them to hurt me anymore,” Lorelai whispered after a few minutes, when she slowly relaxed in his arms.
“I promised you that they won´t. I´m here now”, he kissed her head.
“Where have you been? I woke up and you weren´t here” she said accusingly.
“Ah, that´s a good question. I went shopping. Food shopping. I heard what was for lunch today and I knew that you would not eat it, and I see I was right,” he pointed to the tablet beside her bed.
“So I thought I could cook us something you would eat. And I´m pretty hungry myself, so let´s eat”, he stood up and placed the plates on the table by the window.Then he picked her up and sat her down in one of the chairs. He took the one next to her. She took the fork, then lay it back down.
“I´m not hungry”
“Lorelai, you will eat. I cooked that for you. You always liked it remember? And it´s good for you. If you wont eat, I can´t keep my promise and they will have to give you injections again. Please, try it. For me,” he begged. She picked up the fork and ate some rice. She chewed and swallowed very slowly.After the third forkful she grabbed his free hand.
“I´m afraid I will throw up afterwards. I always did. I couldn´t eat anything. Sometimes I was too weak to make it to the bathroom...” her voice cracked and he could see the tears form in her eyes.
“I´m here. If you have to throw up just give a sign and I will carry you into the bathroom, okay? No big deal. If you eat enough maybe I will have some dessert afterwards,” he smiled warmly.
“Okay.” she said and shakily took another forkful of rice.
TBC