[karana]

Chapter 10Bid my blood to run before I come undone
He had been so proud that afternoon when she had eaten what he had cooked. But his luck hadn´t lasted long, because halfway through the meal she had grabbed his hand and he had carried her into the bathroom. She had thrown up everything while he had held her.
They had both been depressed. She had been embarrassed. He had been panicked. How could he make her eat if that was going to happen every time?
The next day it had been the same. Breakfast, lunch, dinner. Whenever he could make her eat he did, but she was never able to keep it down.
On the third day, when he was so desperate, he nearly broke down on the floor while she slept, the doctor encouraged him.
He reassured Luke that it would take some time until her stomach would get used to real food again.
And that it wouldn´t stop until she subconsciously was willing to live again. Her dispiritedness had to be gone.
Luke took a walk through the area around the hospital. He was out of ideas on how to encourage her. He spent all day and all night by her side. He dressed her, showered her, held her and carried her around. He practiced walking with her when he could convince her to and laid by her side when he couldn´t.He cooked for her every day, but despite what the doctor had said there was no progress. And it had been three weeks. They had needed to give her new IVs, because of the vomiting, and he hadn´t been able to keep his promise. Three weeks and he was nearly giving up. The thought of her dying was what kept him going.
A week ago they had told him that he wouldn´t be allowed to live in the hospital anymore. So he had rented an apartment.It was beautiful and directly on the beach. Completely furnished, with a homey living-room, a big veranda, a nice bedroom with windows to the beach, a kitchen and a huge tub in the bathroom. She would have loved it. That´s when he got the idea.
“But you are not able to help her and I am not able to help her here. I mean her depression should stop, but I am getting depressed by just coming here every day. It´s a hospital. All she sees is her room and the view out of the windows. She freaks out when the door opens because she knows that there will be another injection of some crap you give her and that hurts her. Nearly all the wounds are infected, you can´t find veins anymore and have to prick her five or six times until you are successful. You told me that physically she is okay. You said the problem is only psychological. She trusts me and I think at the moment I am her only possibility.”“But that´s not reasonable. When something happens we are able to care for her and react immediately here. You can´t do that.”
“What could happen? She throws up? She does it every day! That she is unconscious? The last two times I called the nurses so often that she was awake again when they arrived.”
“If you take her out of here, you are responsible for her. I won´t take that on myself!” the doctor said.
“I am responsible for her no matter what. And I will take her home today.”
“Wait at least a few more days, Mr. Danes.”
“Today! If she gets worse I will bring her back, but this might be her last chance.”
“Okay, I will get the papers ready and then she has to sign them, because you are not married. Bye Mr. Danes.”
“Bye.”
When he entered her room she was still asleep. In general he was relieved when she was able to sleep, but this time he nudged her awake.“Lorelai, baby! Lorelai! You have to wake up!” he said and stroked her cheek.
“Mmmh... Luke?” she mumbled still half asleep after some minutes.
“Come on, wake up! We´re getting out of here!” he smiled.
“What?” she asked and there was more shock in her expression than happiness.
“I talked to the doctor and after some discussions and after you sign some papers we will be able to go home.”
“No! I can´t go home! They can´t see me like this! Rory will panic and my parents... and Sookie... Taylor... and... and Patty...” she said, her voice raspy.
“Hey, calm down! We won´t go to Stars Hollow! At least not yet. I told you about the apartment at the beach which I rented. I thought you might like it better than here,” he told her and stroked her hand, knowing that it calmed her. She was silent for some time, concentrating only on his touch.
“Okay,” she said and he smiled.
“Good! Then get up and we´ll dress you. The sooner we get out of here the better!” he squeezed her hand and stood up.
She sat up in bed while he threw all her stuff in the bag. He took the only pair of jeans and the only normal shirt he could find and helped her change.
This time they had to use the wheelchair because he had to carry the bag. They signed the papers and before she really understood what had happened she sat in his rented car and they drove to the apartment.
It was out of the city and like he had told her, directly on the beach.
He took the bag and carried it in, then came back and picked her up. He was happy that she was out of the hospital and he could only hope that he wouldn´t regret his decision later. If something happened to her now, it would be his fault. His alone. She was his responsibility, his alone.
“Ready?” he asked, before he opened the door. She nodded.
He carried her into every room to show her the house and then was back in the living-room, not really sure where he should put her.
“Is the couch okay?” he asked her. She nodded.
“You know I think that´s the best place. I can see you while I´m cleaning up here a bit and I still need to bring in the bag from the pharmacy and fill out the papers for your insurance. I need to cook something and...”
“Luke,” she interrupted him. He stopped mid-sentence.
“Thank you!” she smiled.



Chapter 11:I’ve become so numb without a soul my spirit sleeping somewhere cold until you find it there and lead it back home
She had thrown up breakfast. She had thrown up lunch. Just like every day. She was out of the hospital but there was no difference. Not in her eating. Not in her behavior. She had been out of there for one week and... nothing.
She refused to leave the house. She lay on the couch or in bed the whole day. She still threw up. He knew that if that didn´t change he would have to bring her back to the hospital, because she kept getting weaker and weaker.
“Lorelai, I´m going to make dinner. Do you want anything special?” he asked. She only shook her head.He had decided to make burgers and fries that day. He knew that it was too greasy and that it wasn´t good for her stomach. But it was her favorite food and she was used to it. Had been used to it.
She ate some fries without asking for ketchup and took a few bites of the burger before she got sick again. He rushed her to the bathroom. It was a daily routine. Three times a day after each meal he would carry her into the bathroom, hold her while she threw up, give her a glass of water to rinse her mouth, clean her up and change her if necessary.
And this evening was not different.
But he was not willing to give her up.
He had her bath ready after dinner, like every evening. The bathroom smelled like the peach-bubbles and the vanilla-scented candles.He undressed her slowly, careful not to hurt her before he put her in the bathtub.
But he had decided to make this evening different.
He undressed himself and she looked at him. Took his body in. Looked down shyly when he looked into her eyes.
He got in behind her. Pulled her against him when she tried to scoot away. She was stiff and felt uncomfortable.
His left hand rested on her stomach while he started to to stroke up and down her arm with his right one. He played with her fingers, stroked up her arm, glided his fingers over her shoulder and collar-bone. Then the whole way back. Slowly he felt her relax.
She put her left hand on his and laced her fingers through his. She sighed.
“We look like four-hundred-year old people,all wrinkled, let´s get out of here!” he whispered into her ear after another half hour of silence and stroking.He toweled himself dry and wrapped the towel around his hips before he pulled her up and held her bathrobe open for her. He had bought it after she had moved in with him. It was pink.
He held her in his arms for some moments longer than necessary, after he lifted her out of the tub.
On a normal night he would have creamed her skin with her favorite lotion, dressed her in her pajamas, and put her in bed.
But he had decided to make this evening different.
She was surprised when he lifted her up without dressing her. He carried her into the bedroom and untied the robe, then placed her naked on the bed. She looked scared and intimidated. He only smiled and rolled her onto her stomach. He left her for a moment and came back with the lotion. When it touched her body she shivered because it was cold.Then he started to massage the lotion into her skin. He massaged her back, massaged all the knots out of her muscles. Sometimes she winced, sometimes she moaned, but she tried to stay still.
He started at her shoulders and slowly his hands worked their way down. He did not stop when he reached her lower back. For some seconds she stiffened again, but relaxed when she noticed that his touch stayed innocent, only massaging her body to relax her.
It tickled when he reached her knee.
It felt heavenly when he gave her a foot-massage. First left, then right.
He took her hands in his and massaged them. Then up her arms and back to her shoulders.
Then he took the bandana away from her head. The stiffness was back.
He closed his eyes for a moment, but was actually relieved when he saw that her hair had started growing again. It was still short and he could see the skin underneath. But it was there.
His father had died without hair.
He glided his hands over the short hair before he added pressure, without lotion this time.
He stopped when he heard her sniffling. He leaned forward and placed a kiss on her cheek before he went back to what he had been doing before.
When he was finished he placed the bandana back on her head, then took her panties and bra and started to dress her.Not in her pajamas. In jeans and a T-shirt.
“Luke, what are you doing?” she asked for the first time.
“Sssh, just wait!” he said and picked her up.
“No, Luke no! I don´t want to go outside!” she tried to argue when he walked with her still in his arms. He didn´t react, just walked around the house and to the beach.
It was already dark, they were alone and the only thing they could hear were the waves. He sat down in the sand, put her in his lap, and buried his nose in her shoulder. She took his right hand, the one he was not using to steady himself, and drew lazy circles on the back of his hand. They did not speak.
It took some time but after an hour she was asleep. Lulled to sleep by the sounds of the waves.
After he had placed her back on the bed, in the bedroom, he called Rory. He had promised her that he would call her every second day. And he kept his promise. They talked about Lorelai, of course. But sometimes also about Richard and Emily, about Logan, and Yale. About when Luke would bring her back home. If he would bring her home.“It´s just...I don´t know what to do anymore! I just don´t. There is no improvement, not one. She gets weaker every day. Maybe it was the wrong decision to take her out of the hospital. Maybe the doctor was right and it was just a crazy and dangerous idea.” Luke said and sounded as desperate as he felt.
“No, no...she is not. She is doing what I tell her, she is bearing my touch and sometimes I think I just torture her by making her do all those things, Rory. Maybe we just ... maybe we should just let her go...” he had to stop because the tears began to fall on both sides. He listened how she sobbed. She heard how he wiped his tears away. But then they heard something different.
“Luke?” Lorelai whispered and slid down next to him. She had no idea how she had made the way out of the bedroom and into the kitchen by herself. It had taken forever and she had to walk along the furniture for support, but she had heard that he sounded desperate while he was talking to someone when she had woken up. She wanted to know who he was talking to. What he was saying. She had heard every word on her way.
Luke looked up and was speechless. Then she held out her hand and he handed her the phone. She touched his cheek with the fingers of her other hand to wipe away the remaining tears.
“Rory?” she said shakily after more than ten months.



Chapter 12
All this time I can't believe I couldn't see, kept in the dark but you were there in front of me
They had talked for hours. They had cried and laughed. There had been reproaches and forgiveness. Sadness and happiness. Luke had witnessed it all, sitting next to her on the kitchen-floor. She had ended up in his lap when the floor had become too cold. Dawn had arrived when they finally went to bed.
It had been the turning point. She had reassured him the next day that he shouldn´t give up on her. That he should stay by her side. That she needed him.
She had told him that she loved him a week later.
Their routine stayed, but she participated. She walked around the house.She ate. She talked to him.
It took her four more days until she was finally able to keep down the food. They had celebrated it with eating pizza, with extra cheese the next day.
He didn´t need to bring her back to the hospital.
Over the next six months they stayed in that house. She refused to go back to Stars Hollow until she was looking nearly normal again.When she felt better she actually started to enjoy the time they had in the beach house.
They took long walks on the beach.Sat there and watched the sunset.Argued over her first cup of coffee.Bantered over the food.
And when she started to trick him and tease him again, he knew for sure that she was feeling better.
It wa a beautiful six months, but not easy ones.
From time to time, she would still be quiet and pensive, wrapped up in her own thoughts. She still needed time alone. She still started to cry sometimes and then cling to him while he reassured her that he would never leave her.
“I need more time! I told you that.”“I'm afraid of this 'more time' stuff. I'm afraid it'll take forty years and that's not good.”
“Lorelai.”
“We'll miss our middle. I want a middle. And the town is dividing us up. I need that to stop.”
“Don't.”
“ Luke. I am all in. I'm all in. Please trust me. Let me show you what a great girlfriend I can be. But I can't wait. We can't wait. I need to know what you're thinking right now.”
“Fine. You want to know what I'm thinking right now? That I can't be in this relationship. It's too much.”
An evening, two months after the call, she had deepened the goodnight kiss they shared every night since she had spoken to Rory.
They had made love that night for the first time after a year and neither one of them had been aware of how much they had missed each other, until their bodies were joined again.
Afterwards she had told him for the first time why she had left him. It was like a dam broke and all the words finally spilled. She had told him about her fears, about the time in LA and her time in San Francisco. About all the therapies and what she had felt. About her loneliness and when she had given up.
And when he had told her about what he had felt when she had left him, it had been her turn to hold him and reassure him that she would never leave him again. Willingly.
They had brought it all out in the open that night, and it helped them both.
She had lost her insecurities concerning her body towards him and had stopped wearing the bandana in the house afterwards.
It was like they were falling in love all over again.
When her hair grew and she gained weight, she started to leave the house more often during the day. Not only at night.They went swimming when it was hot and fooled around on the beach.
They went shopping for clothes and she even got him to join her in the lingerie store, when she had decided that she needed new dessous for him.
They tested all the restaurants and junk food places in the area and after the six months she knew every pizza or fast-food delivery guy by name.
There were still the check-ups at the hospital but they became less frequent after some time and she was relaxing more and more.Luke had cooked for the nurses as a thank you and they were all stunned how different Lorelai really was. For them it was like a new person. Only Luke knew she was just being her old self again.
Nearly every day they talked to Rory or Richard and Emily. Sometimes Sookie. It had been hard for Lorelai at first because every time she had to explain what had happened. Had to listen to how sorry they were. And had to tell them why she had left.
And then finally, after six months, she had decided that she was ready to go back home. Home to Stars Hollow. Luke couldn´t have been happier.They took a last walk on the beach; went a last time to the hospital to say goodbye.
When they heard the announcement of their flight at the airport Luke got overwhelmed by his emotions and hugged her so hard she had problems breathing.
“I...I ...I just didn´t think that I would be able to take you back home sometimes,” he admitted.
“But now you can. Let´s go home, babe!” she smiled and kissed him, then they entered the plane.
“Hey, do you remember the first time we met?”“What?”
“ I'm just trying to remember the first time we met. It must have been at Luke's, right?”
“It was at Luke's, it was at lunch, it was a very busy day, the place was packed, and this person...”
“ Ooh, is it me? Is it me?”
“ This person comes tearing into the place in a caffeine frenzy.”
“Ooh, it's me. “
“I was with a customer. She interrupts me, wild-eyed, begging for coffee, so I tell her to wait her turn. Then she starts following me around, talking a mile a minute, saying God knows what. So finally I turn to her, and I tell her she's being annoying -- sit down, shut up, I'll get to her when I get to her.”
“Y'know, I bet she took that very well, 'cause she sounds just delightful.”
“ She asked me what my birthday was. I wouldn't tell her. She wouldn't stop talking. I gave in. I told her my birthday. Then she opened up the newspaper to the horoscope page, wrote something down, tore it out, handed it to me.”
“ God, seriously. You wrote the menu, didn't you?”
“ So I'm looking at this piece of paper in my hand, and under "Scorpio," she had written, ‘you will meet an annoying woman today. Give her coffee and she'll go away.’ I gave her coffee.”
“ But she didn't go away.”
“She told me to hold on to that horoscope, put it in my wallet, and carry it around with me one day it would bring me luck.”
Only Rory, April, Emily and Richard and Sookie knew that they were coming home that day. And only these people waited at the airport.
Lorelai ran to Rory the moment she saw her and Lorelai was surprised when her mother hugged her and started crying. It was a very emotional meeting at the airport and when Rory hugged Luke and thanked him over and over for bringing back her mother, only April’s presence kept him from breaking down. The weight on his shoulders was suddenly gone. He felt that as Lorelai slid her arm around his waist and pulled him close when they walked out of the airport; he mirrored her actions.
He had brought her back home. And back to life.



TBC