01.03.2008, 04:03
Der letzte Teil.
Danke an Anne, Anna und Aki fuer eure Reviews. They mean a lot to me.
This part is for you.
PART 5
Names. Names are words. Nothing more than words. A few letters. Close to numbers, even. You say names to address persons, things. But to call out your name is impossible. I canât form those four letters. Those four letters into one word. I just⦠canât.
Aimlessly, I wander around town. People donât even bother to talk to me anymore. They know I wonât answer. My glance is strangely unfocused. I only see the ground where Iâm going. No people, no cars, not even the sidewalk itself. I just see my feet and a strange gray underground. It doesnât mean anything to me. Just like everything else in the world. I donât know really why that is. Life is supposed to have a meaning, a direction. But lifeâs also supposed to be joyful, full of love. Where did it all go missing? I do know of that. But still, I canât accept it. And I never will. Iâm sure about that.
Whenever I want to change something, I take a look deep inside of me. But where my heart is supposed to be, I canât feel anything. Itâs like there is none. Thereâs just a big black hole. But even this hole is aching with every breath I take, without you.
Iâve been thinking about this for a long time now. A lot. First, it seemed pathetic to me. It would have been cheating on every one, Iâve ever known. But with time passing by with no change at all, the desire to do it grew stronger and stronger. And finally Iâve made my decision. There are no doubts there anymore. It is the only way. The only way to stop my heart from hurting. The only way to escape the grief. The only way to make me tolerable again. Just, the only way.
Although my glance is strangely unfocused, I exactly know where Iâm going. Single-minded, I go down the familiar road. The road I know like the back of my hand. And yet, today it seems all new to me.
I recall all the things that happened here in this little town in my head. The best things in my life happened here. My life seems to be passing my inner eye, but as I come to the point where you suddenly turned my life upside down, I stop. I just canât think about it. Not yet. My thoughts wander back to a letter I wrote to my daughter. Itâs safely put onto the kitchen table. She will find it in due time. Iâve perfectly thought this plan trough. It will work, Iâm sure of that.
This is the hardest part. I have to disappoint her. I have to sadden her. But on the other hand, itâs the only way to put her out of that misery, too. Sheâs been suffering with me, desperately trying to reach me. But itâs a lost battle. I know that. She doesnât. She wants to cling onto that life we shared, without realizing that itâs over. That itâs over for such a long time now. But now sheâs finally going to see it. Reality will hit her hard, but sheâs going to survive. Without that knowledge, I would never do this. But sheâs better off this way.
Finally, Iâm there. The streetâs nothing more than a cart-way now. Thereâs a little ascent now. I climb it without any difficulties. Itâs an easy thing to do. The easiest thing on earth. I stop as Iâm on the highest point. For once, I look around, finally noticing my surroundings. Iâm standing on a bridge now. Itâs high enough to serve my purpose. I step to the right side, gripping the banisters. I take a deep breath. I can smell nothing in particular. Itâs only me and nature. Nobody to disturb me. Nobody to withhold me.
Slowly, I climb over the railing. Once, my right foot slides of. And for an instance I think, it might be too late. But I get grip on myself again. At last, Iâm standing exactly where I want to be. My toes just inches away from the edge. I take a short snippet down. Itâs high enough. Iâm strangely pleased with myself.
Once again, my thoughts are drifting away. To you. And now, Iâm finally letting the feelings float me. I had forbidden myself to think about you. But I havenât been able to block out my dreams. Just last night, I dreamed that I called out your name. You turned your face to me and started to say something so beautiful it hurt deep inside. And I realized I would love you till the day that I die. What I also realized was that nothingâs fair anymore. But I know a better place, where Iâll finally be able to stop dreaming of you.
With one last breath, I let my fingers unwind from the railing and push myself forward. I can feel my feet losing ground. Finally, Iâm able to feel that Iâm falling. Itâs better than Iâve imagined it. Iâm only a few feet away from the ground now. The wind is mussing up my hair. It feels wonderful. I feel wonderful.
Now Iâm hitting the surface of the water. The collision doesnât hurt at all. I sink deeper into the water. I donât even try to swim, to fight for my life. But actually, thatâs what Iâm doing. Iâm rescuing myself. Iâm rescuing myself from a life that hasnât been one for 8 months.
I canât hold my breath anymore. My mouth opens and I can feel the water running down my lungs. Itâs freezing and for a split of a second, I feel pain. But as fast as it came, it disappears again. My conscience is fading now. I donât know where the ground is, whether Iâm upside down or not. Itâs not important anyway. Ultimately, the world around me becomes black.
But just a second later, something shiny catches my eye. Itâs not the oft-cited light at the end of the tunnel.
Itâs just you.
Itâs just your face. I realize Iâm lying on the ground now. I stand up and slowly walk towards you. The nearer I come, the taller you become. Youâre just standing there, one arm outstretched towards me. Your smile is an angelâs smile. As Iâm walking towards you, I can feel my heart mend. The big black hole doesnât exist anymore. It seems like it never had been there in the first place.
Iâm whole again. Iâm whole again with you.
Finally, Iâm reaching you. As my hand touches your hand, it hits me like a lightning. I finally have you again. And Iâm never going to let go off you. Never again. You softly take my hand and walk me into the other direction.
Lorelai, I love you.
I look at you and I know Iâve made the right decision. Iâm just incomplete without you, nothingâs worth anything, when Iâm not with you. I donât reply your I love you. Instead, I just look at your face. At your blue eyes. At your eyes, which are shining full of love.
I just say one word. One word that means more than anything to me.
Luke.
You look at me and your face mirrors comprehension. You let go off my hand and wrap your arm around me. I donât know where we are going, or whether itâs going to end somewhere. But I know I will be safe with you. As long as I can see you, touch you, feel you.
And Iâm feeling that Iâm right there. Iâm right there where Iâm supposed to be. Iâm complete.
For the last time, I turn around.
I turn around to a world that finally stopped turning.
Danke an Anne, Anna und Aki fuer eure Reviews. They mean a lot to me.
This part is for you.
PART 5
Names. Names are words. Nothing more than words. A few letters. Close to numbers, even. You say names to address persons, things. But to call out your name is impossible. I canât form those four letters. Those four letters into one word. I just⦠canât.
Aimlessly, I wander around town. People donât even bother to talk to me anymore. They know I wonât answer. My glance is strangely unfocused. I only see the ground where Iâm going. No people, no cars, not even the sidewalk itself. I just see my feet and a strange gray underground. It doesnât mean anything to me. Just like everything else in the world. I donât know really why that is. Life is supposed to have a meaning, a direction. But lifeâs also supposed to be joyful, full of love. Where did it all go missing? I do know of that. But still, I canât accept it. And I never will. Iâm sure about that.
Whenever I want to change something, I take a look deep inside of me. But where my heart is supposed to be, I canât feel anything. Itâs like there is none. Thereâs just a big black hole. But even this hole is aching with every breath I take, without you.
Iâve been thinking about this for a long time now. A lot. First, it seemed pathetic to me. It would have been cheating on every one, Iâve ever known. But with time passing by with no change at all, the desire to do it grew stronger and stronger. And finally Iâve made my decision. There are no doubts there anymore. It is the only way. The only way to stop my heart from hurting. The only way to escape the grief. The only way to make me tolerable again. Just, the only way.
Although my glance is strangely unfocused, I exactly know where Iâm going. Single-minded, I go down the familiar road. The road I know like the back of my hand. And yet, today it seems all new to me.
I recall all the things that happened here in this little town in my head. The best things in my life happened here. My life seems to be passing my inner eye, but as I come to the point where you suddenly turned my life upside down, I stop. I just canât think about it. Not yet. My thoughts wander back to a letter I wrote to my daughter. Itâs safely put onto the kitchen table. She will find it in due time. Iâve perfectly thought this plan trough. It will work, Iâm sure of that.
This is the hardest part. I have to disappoint her. I have to sadden her. But on the other hand, itâs the only way to put her out of that misery, too. Sheâs been suffering with me, desperately trying to reach me. But itâs a lost battle. I know that. She doesnât. She wants to cling onto that life we shared, without realizing that itâs over. That itâs over for such a long time now. But now sheâs finally going to see it. Reality will hit her hard, but sheâs going to survive. Without that knowledge, I would never do this. But sheâs better off this way.
Finally, Iâm there. The streetâs nothing more than a cart-way now. Thereâs a little ascent now. I climb it without any difficulties. Itâs an easy thing to do. The easiest thing on earth. I stop as Iâm on the highest point. For once, I look around, finally noticing my surroundings. Iâm standing on a bridge now. Itâs high enough to serve my purpose. I step to the right side, gripping the banisters. I take a deep breath. I can smell nothing in particular. Itâs only me and nature. Nobody to disturb me. Nobody to withhold me.
Slowly, I climb over the railing. Once, my right foot slides of. And for an instance I think, it might be too late. But I get grip on myself again. At last, Iâm standing exactly where I want to be. My toes just inches away from the edge. I take a short snippet down. Itâs high enough. Iâm strangely pleased with myself.
Once again, my thoughts are drifting away. To you. And now, Iâm finally letting the feelings float me. I had forbidden myself to think about you. But I havenât been able to block out my dreams. Just last night, I dreamed that I called out your name. You turned your face to me and started to say something so beautiful it hurt deep inside. And I realized I would love you till the day that I die. What I also realized was that nothingâs fair anymore. But I know a better place, where Iâll finally be able to stop dreaming of you.
With one last breath, I let my fingers unwind from the railing and push myself forward. I can feel my feet losing ground. Finally, Iâm able to feel that Iâm falling. Itâs better than Iâve imagined it. Iâm only a few feet away from the ground now. The wind is mussing up my hair. It feels wonderful. I feel wonderful.
Now Iâm hitting the surface of the water. The collision doesnât hurt at all. I sink deeper into the water. I donât even try to swim, to fight for my life. But actually, thatâs what Iâm doing. Iâm rescuing myself. Iâm rescuing myself from a life that hasnât been one for 8 months.
I canât hold my breath anymore. My mouth opens and I can feel the water running down my lungs. Itâs freezing and for a split of a second, I feel pain. But as fast as it came, it disappears again. My conscience is fading now. I donât know where the ground is, whether Iâm upside down or not. Itâs not important anyway. Ultimately, the world around me becomes black.
But just a second later, something shiny catches my eye. Itâs not the oft-cited light at the end of the tunnel.
Itâs just you.
Itâs just your face. I realize Iâm lying on the ground now. I stand up and slowly walk towards you. The nearer I come, the taller you become. Youâre just standing there, one arm outstretched towards me. Your smile is an angelâs smile. As Iâm walking towards you, I can feel my heart mend. The big black hole doesnât exist anymore. It seems like it never had been there in the first place.
Iâm whole again. Iâm whole again with you.
Finally, Iâm reaching you. As my hand touches your hand, it hits me like a lightning. I finally have you again. And Iâm never going to let go off you. Never again. You softly take my hand and walk me into the other direction.
Lorelai, I love you.
I look at you and I know Iâve made the right decision. Iâm just incomplete without you, nothingâs worth anything, when Iâm not with you. I donât reply your I love you. Instead, I just look at your face. At your blue eyes. At your eyes, which are shining full of love.
I just say one word. One word that means more than anything to me.
Luke.
You look at me and your face mirrors comprehension. You let go off my hand and wrap your arm around me. I donât know where we are going, or whether itâs going to end somewhere. But I know I will be safe with you. As long as I can see you, touch you, feel you.
And Iâm feeling that Iâm right there. Iâm right there where Iâm supposed to be. Iâm complete.
For the last time, I turn around.
I turn around to a world that finally stopped turning.
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]