01.10.2012, 15:49
Ich fürchte immer noch xD Und dankeeeee <3 Ich liebe es die Black sisters zu schreiben
Title: Fall
Author: flyingharmony // Avi
Pairing(s)/Characters: Andromeda Black, Narcissa Black, mentioned but very important Druella Black
Summary: Andromeda always loved autumn, but the nightmares changed everything, even her love of fall.
Rating: PG-13
Word count: 3.622
Warnings: Full of angst, drama and self-reproaches, mentions of an important character death
Title: Fall
Author: flyingharmony // Avi
Pairing(s)/Characters: Andromeda Black, Narcissa Black, mentioned but very important Druella Black
Summary: Andromeda always loved autumn, but the nightmares changed everything, even her love of fall.
Rating: PG-13
Word count: 3.622
Warnings: Full of angst, drama and self-reproaches, mentions of an important character death
Fall
It all had begun in fall. The start of fall had been the beginning of the end, the start of fall had changed everything. Nobody knew what exactly had happened to Andromeda Black during that time, not her friends, not her sisters, not even herself. Sheâd always loved autumn, had always loved to sit on her window sill, look out of the window and watch the leaves fall down from the trees or to spend countless hours taking a walk in an ocean of different shades of red and yellow.
But now? Now, sheâd not even leave the house, would hardly even leave her bedroom. It was her sister, forcing her to at least take meals in the dining room, to at least talk to her, even if it were only a few words. Narcissa would follow her to her room, afraid to leave her alone, afraid of whatâd happen if she closed the door behind her back, and theyâd look at each other, would only look at each other for minutes, hours, none of them ever speaking a word.
Their motherâs death had taken its toll on all of them, but most of all on Andromeda. Druella had never been the same again after her husband had fallen in the war, had longed to follow him every day during the rest of her life. Her passing had not come surprisingly for her daughters, only a year after Cygnus had left this world. They all knew that her mother had died of a broken heart.
Soon routine had returned to their lives, but not to Andromedaâs. For her, everything had changed. No one had ever understood the bond that had connected her to her mother, had there ever been any. All they knew was that Andromeda had never forgiven her mother that she had left them so early.
âNever forgive, never forget,â she whispered, all of a sudden, rather to herself than to Narcissa who would still sit next to her, not wanting to leave as if she were afraid of the things her sister could do to herself once left alone.
âI beg you pardon?â she asked quietly, her eyes widened with surprise to hear her sisterâs voice.
Andromeda would only shake her head, turning her head to look out of the window, her eyes following the dark silhouettes of the trees located in the garden. âNothing,â she replied absent-mindedly. âIf you might excuse me now, Cissy,I am tired and-â
Now it was Narcissa to shake her head. Carefully she touched her sisterâs shoulder for a moment, giving a deep, quiet sigh. âListen, Andy,â she said. âI know you donât want to talk to me, but I canât help you if you donât trust me.â
âOf course I trust you,â Andromeda whispered. âBut you canât help me, Cissy. No one can help me.â
For a moment she closed her eyes, smiling a shy, barely noticeable smile. âI cannot express how much I love fall,â she said quietly. âDo you remember how we used to take walks in the afternoon, shortly before sunset? The entire world seemed to be covered in this warm, golden light that made us forget about all our troubles for a moment.â
Silence followed, none of the sisters would speak a word, wouldnât even look at each other until, all of a sudden, Andromeda slowly reached out her hand, touching Narcissaâs.
âYou canât help me, Cissy,â she repeated barely audible. âI-â
Sheâd not finish her sentence. Broke off, again giving a deep, sad sigh. No. No, Narcissa couldnât help her, no one could. How many times had she been forced to lie to her, how many times had she pretended to be all right⦠But she wasnât all right, of course she wasnât. What had happened to her during the past months, what had made her lose control, what had broken her? She did not know. Did not know anything.
The nightmares had started long before her mother had died, seemed to drive her into sheer madness. But how, how could she ever talk about them? How could she even ever even lose a word about these dreams, about the things they did to her? Especially now, now that her sisters had their own problems, now that everything had changed? No, she couldnât talk to them, couldnât bother them with her ridiculous problems.
But what if she lost her mind? What, if she was about to lose her mind, what, if the nightmares would never stop again? She did not know, did not know anything.
âI know that you miss her,â Narcissa said all of a sudden, breaking the silence, causing her to wince. Andromeda bit her lip, her attempts to control her breathing failing. Why⦠Why did she have to bring her up, why did she have to talk about her? Now, now that even thinking of her mother seemed to make everything worse⦠She still wouldnât turn around, still wouldnât look at her sister, remained motionless, not speaking a word.
âI miss her too,â she continued, her voice husky, tearful. âOf course I miss her⦠But-â
She broke off. Andromeda heard her rise from her chair, as if she were ready to resign, ready to leave the room, but then⦠Then sheâd only turn around, sit down on the bed, pulling her close into her arms.
Andromeda could feel tears stream down her sisterâs face, could feel her entire body shaking. Again she bit her lip, again sheâd only sigh, again sheâd remain silent, desperately trying to regain control over her thoughts.
All this seemed so unreal, seemed like a dream to her, like one of her nightmares. Sheâd never forgive her mother, never! How angry she was at her, how incredibly angry⦠Why had she left them? Why had she left so early, why had she-
As if itâd been her fault. As if itâd all been her motherâs fault, as if itâd only been her death that had broken her. Of course not. Of course it hadnât. But still, still she missed her, missed her so much⦠Sheâd loved her, had loved her more than anything else, even though so many things had happened over all these years, even though sheâd done so much to her, had hurt her so many timesâ¦
Never forgive. Never forget.
But hadnât she been her mother? No matter how many times sheâd hurt her, hadnât she been the woman whoâd given birth to her, the woman whoâd raised her? No matter what sheâd done to her, hadnât she-
Andromeda wouldnât even finish her thought. Was unable to suppress a quiet sob, unable to hold back her tears any longer. Sheâd never cried since her motherâs passing, had never even shed a single tear. But now? Now, that she held Narcissa in her arms, her usually so strong little sister, now that she felt her tears against her skin, she was unable to keep control over her emotions any longer.
âItâs not just motherâs death bothering youâ¦â Narcissa whispered into her ear, her breath finally having normalised. âIsnât it, Andy? Itâs something elseâ¦â
Sheâd not reply. Wouldnât reply, wouldnât speak a word. Only closed her eyes, for just a second, then looked at her, looked deeply into her sisterâs bright, blue eyes⦠And nodded. Of course it was. But what? What had changed her so much, what bothered her so much that it even seemed to make sleep intolerable? If only she knew⦠If only she had the ability to break away from her past, to break away from everything, to start anew, if only she had the ability to be happyâ¦
âAndy,â Narcissa said quietly, taking her hands into hers, giving a deep sigh. âPlease. Talk to me. I⦠I worry-â
She broke off for a moment, as if she didnât know what to say, as if she were looking for the right words. But then, then again she sighed, shook her head. It seemed to take her great effort to hold back the tears that once again wanted to just uncontrollably flow down her face.
âI worry for you,â she whispered. âI⦠I hear you scream, in the middle of the night⦠But every time I look after you, youâre asleep, fast asleep! I⦠Andy, I donât want to lose you, tooâ¦â
Andromeda gasped for breath, bit her lip as she heard her sisterâs voice, as she saw the expression on her face⦠No. No, she wouldnât lose her; of course sheâd not lose her! How many times had she sworn herself not to lead a life like her mother had led, how many times had she sworn herself to be different. But was she really different? Were her and her mother really this different? They both had loved, they both had made mistakes⦠Werenât they just the same?
As if your mother ever loved you.
âOf course she did!â Andromeda shouted, all of a sudden, feeling how Narcissa winced right next to her. âOf course she loved me⦠Of course she didâ¦â
âAndy-â
âCissy, you donât understand⦠You⦠You canât understand! Even I canâtâ¦â Slowly Andromeda got up from her bed, heading for the door as if she wanted to leave, but turned around only a second later. âI⦠Merlin, I wish I knew what to say. I wish I knew what to tell you, I wish I knew what to think! I canât sleep any more, I⦠Every time I close my eyes I-â
Again, sheâd not finish her sentence. Again sheâd only break off, would only shake her head. No she wouldnât understand. Narcissa wouldnât understand, of course she wouldnât. She had not been hurt like sheâd been hurt, sheâd not lost everything that had ever been important to her. Sheâd always been loved by their parents, had always been adored. Not her, not Andromeda. For her, everything had been different. Everything.
âYou know how much they loved you,â Narcissa said as if sheâd read her mind. âEspecially mother. You know how much she cared for you, more than for any of us.â
âShe knew I needed her,â Andromeda whispered, barely audible. âShe knew how much I needed her but never was there for me. How could she have cared?â
Of course she knew that Narcissa was right. Of course she knew that everything she said was right, of course she was doing her injustice, but she was so hurt, so incredibly hurt! Why wasnât she there for her now? Why not now, now that she needed her the most? Sheâd left her, had left them all! So how⦠How could she ever forgive her?
âAndy,â Narcissa said quietly, reaching out her hand to touch her again. âAndy, I know that she hurt you, she hurt us too! Sheâs made mistakes, but we all do. You know how hard it was for her to allow herself to feel and admit her emotions, especially towards you, and you know why. Please, donât blame her for something she couldnât help.â
Never forget. Never forgive.
Andromeda only shook her head, laughing a quiet, cold laugh. No. No, she couldnât blame her mother for the things sheâd done, of course she couldnât. It wasnât Druella whoâd broken her, it wasnât her mother, and it wasnât her death. So were it the nightmares? Were it really the nightmares that seemed to destroy her? But how could they, if she lost any memory of the dreams as soon as she opened her eyes? How could they break her, if she was unable to remember them each day she woke? She did not know. Did not know anything.
âCissyâ¦â she whispered, sobbing a quiet, dry sob. âI⦠Iâm going mad⦠I think Iâm going mad!â
Quickly she turned away from her sister, not wanting her to see her in a state like this, not wanting her to notice her pain, but it was too late. Narcissa had already taken her arm, had turned around, would now force her to look into her eyes. She opened her mouth to speak, But Andromeda had been faster than her.
âYou said you hear me scream,â she said quietly. âIn the middle of the night⦠I⦠I donât know when it started, but⦠Nightmares, they⦠they come every night. They seem to haunt me, to- I canât even sleep any more, Cissy! Iâm too afraid to fall asleep, too afraid to even close my eyes⦠But what can I do? Never sleep again, for the rest of my life? Stay awake until I die? Iâm not myself any more⦠I⦠I canât go on any longer⦠I just canât!â
Never forget. Never forgive.
âWhy didnât you tell me?â Narcissa asked, her voice no more than a whisper. âAndy, why didnât you tell me earlier?â
âYou couldnât have changed it. You couldnât have changed it; you couldnât have helped me⦠No one can help meâ¦â
No. No one would ever be able to help her, no one would be able to take the nightmares from her, to make her the person she used to be. She had changed, had changed irrevocably, would never be the same again. Was it her fate? Was it her fate never to be happy, to drift away from the world, to lead a lonely life, a life in insanity? She did not know. Did not know anything, did not want her sister to look at her with the same face expression sheâd looked at their mother shortly before her death, did not want to worry her, to bother her even more.
Never forget. Never forgive. Itâs your fault. Itâs all your fault, Andromeda. You could have saved her. But what did you do? Nothing. You did nothing, nothing! You just watched her die. Itâs your fault!
âItâs my fault!â she shouted out, not even knowing what she said, not even able to control her words, finally speaking out what sheâd never spoken out, finally able to understand what her subconscious had always seemed to tell her. Dizziness would overwhelm her, all of a sudden she was dizzy, so incredibly dizzy⦠Had Narcissa not held her, sheâd have fallen down to the floor, having lost any control over her body. âItâs my fault, itâs all my fault! I could have saved herâ¦â
âAndy,â Narcissa said firmly, holding her tight as she lead her to her bed again, carefully sitting her down. âAndy, listen-â
âNo, Cissy⦠No! You donât understand⦠I could have saved her! I could have been there for her! Iâm not better than her, no⦠I wasnât there for her enough; I wasnât there! Not even when she needed me the most! Itâs my fault⦠Itâs all my faultâ¦â
âAndy⦠Andy, please⦠Listen to me⦠Itâs not your fault! Itâs not your fault that she died! You know what kind of life she led in the end, you know that all she wanted was to follow father, you know it! You know that you couldnât have saved her! None of us could have saved her! Not me, not Bella, not you! You were always there for her, more than any of us. Canât you remember? Canât you remember how you took care of her in the time after father died? Canât you remember how sat at her bedside, waiting until she finally fell asleep, canât you remember how you heard her cry in the middle of the night because she was too ashamed to show any of us her tears? Please⦠Please, donât blame yourself for things you could never have averted.â
Never forget. Never forgive.
Andromeda wouldnât even hear her sisterâs words, wouldnât even understand what sheâd said, had only started to sob, to uncontrollably sob, wetting Narcissaâs clothes with her tears. Had it been this? All these months, had she been riven by grief, had it been guilt breaking her, had it been guilt making her lose control, changing her so much? Guilt⦠Finally she was able to speak out what sheâd felt for such a long time, finally she realised what had been happening to her, finally she knew⦠But how⦠How could have guilt also caused her nightmares, had they started a long time before her mother had died, how-
Could she have saved her? Could she really have saved her mother, could she really have been there for her more than she was? She did not know, did not know anything. Had she gone mad already? Had she already lost her mind, had insanity already overwhelmed her, taken control over her body, over her mind? So many questions, so many questions sheâd never find an answer to, so much-
âAndy,â Narcissaâs voice said right next to her, but she wouldnât react, wouldnât reply to her sister, no⦠Why should she, why should she still talk to her, why should she bother her even more⦠Wouldnât everything be better without her? Wouldnât it be better if she just disappeared, if she left, never looking back?
âAndyâ¦â her sister said again, but again, sheâd not answer. Wouldnât want to speak, wouldnât even want to think⦠All she wanted was to sleep, to just fall into a dreamless sleep and never wake up again.
âAndromeda!â Narcissa now shouted, turning her head to force her to look at her, to finally react to her words.
âListen to me,â she said slowly, her voice firm and cold, in a way Andromeda had never heard her speak before. âIt was not your fault. It was not your fault that mother died, you could not have helped her. You could not have saved her. Do you understand?â
Nothing.
âAndromeda, do you understand?â
Andromeda wanted to turn her head, wanted to look away but Narcissa wouldnât allow her to move, wouldnât allow her to escape. She nodded, slowly, barely noticeable, biting her lip as she spoke out one single word.
âYes.â
But was she right? Was Narcissa really right, had it been impossible for her to save her, had it been impossible to help her? Had she really done everything sheâd been able to do? She did not know. Of course she didnât. But how could Narcissa know, too? How could her sister know if Andromeda had done everything she was capable to do? Had she found her? Had Narcissa found her mother, dead in the bathroom, had she held her lifeless body in her arms, unable to move, unable to even breathe? No. No, itâd been her, Andromeda! Itâd been her to find her, her to notify her sisters! Not Cissy, not Bella, her! Her sisters hadnât seen their mother dead, they hadnât looked into her once so expressional eyes, eyes that had become empty.
Their strong, unbreakable mother had fallen, had left and would never return. How much she loved her, how much she missed her⦠Sheâd give everything to bring her back, even her own life.
âShe knew sheâd die,â Andromeda said, all of a sudden, looking deeply into her sisterâs eyes. âShe knew and she-â
She broke off for a moment, taking a deep breath, desperately attempting to control her voice, to suppress her sobs. âDo you know what she said to me, the last time we saw each other?â she continued, âDo you know? She⦠She spoke to me, like she never spoke to me before. It was a farewell! She made her farewell, and I didnât notice! I didnât notice, I did nothing. Nothing, Cissy⦠I did nothing! I should have thought about her words, I⦠I should have noticed that something was wrong! Instead I just⦠Nothing. I did nothing⦠Itâs my fault. Itâs all my faultâ¦â
âYou couldnât have known,â Narcissa whispered, but Andromeda only shook her head. Of course she could, of course she couldâve known, she should have listened! If she had listenedâ¦
Silence followed, none of the sisters would speak a word. Theyâd only sit there, holding each other, lost in their thoughts, lost in memories. How much had Andromeda fought with her mother. How many times had they hey had arguments about nothing, nothing at all⦠Nothing of this could be undone, none of these words could be unsaid⦠How much would she give to talk to her again, once, only once, how much would she give to be able to apologise for everything sheâd done, for every time sheâd hurt herâ¦
Finally she rose from her bed, placing a soft kiss on her sisterâs forehead before she headed for the door, opening it, stepping out of her room.
âWhere are you going?â Narcissa asked, causing her to turn around for one last time, to look at her.
âTaking a walk,â she replied. âI⦠I just need some air.â
âIâll join you.â
âNo. Go to sleep, Cissy, itâs late.â
âPromise me that youâll come back.â
âI promise.â
She had no memory of when sheâd last left the house. Had no memory of when sheâd last stepped into the fresh air, of when sheâd last felt the cold wind against her skin. She was freezing, had forgot to take her cloak with her, but she didnât care. Wouldnât care about anything, not now. Minutes, hours seemed to pass as she walked through the streets, still unable to keep her thoughts in order, to regain control over her mind. Never would she forgive herself for not being able to save her mother, no. Never. And never would she forget.
Slowly she sank down to a bench, far away from her home, far away from Narcissa, far away from the room sheâd locked herself into for such a long time. Slowly sheâd turn her head, watching a leaf fall down from a chestnut tree, gracefully landing on her thigh.
Never forget. Never forgive.
Her mother had fallen, like the autumn leaves had fallen from the trees and Andromeda knew that, one day, she would fall, too.
But now? Now, sheâd not even leave the house, would hardly even leave her bedroom. It was her sister, forcing her to at least take meals in the dining room, to at least talk to her, even if it were only a few words. Narcissa would follow her to her room, afraid to leave her alone, afraid of whatâd happen if she closed the door behind her back, and theyâd look at each other, would only look at each other for minutes, hours, none of them ever speaking a word.
Their motherâs death had taken its toll on all of them, but most of all on Andromeda. Druella had never been the same again after her husband had fallen in the war, had longed to follow him every day during the rest of her life. Her passing had not come surprisingly for her daughters, only a year after Cygnus had left this world. They all knew that her mother had died of a broken heart.
Soon routine had returned to their lives, but not to Andromedaâs. For her, everything had changed. No one had ever understood the bond that had connected her to her mother, had there ever been any. All they knew was that Andromeda had never forgiven her mother that she had left them so early.
âNever forgive, never forget,â she whispered, all of a sudden, rather to herself than to Narcissa who would still sit next to her, not wanting to leave as if she were afraid of the things her sister could do to herself once left alone.
âI beg you pardon?â she asked quietly, her eyes widened with surprise to hear her sisterâs voice.
Andromeda would only shake her head, turning her head to look out of the window, her eyes following the dark silhouettes of the trees located in the garden. âNothing,â she replied absent-mindedly. âIf you might excuse me now, Cissy,I am tired and-â
Now it was Narcissa to shake her head. Carefully she touched her sisterâs shoulder for a moment, giving a deep, quiet sigh. âListen, Andy,â she said. âI know you donât want to talk to me, but I canât help you if you donât trust me.â
âOf course I trust you,â Andromeda whispered. âBut you canât help me, Cissy. No one can help me.â
For a moment she closed her eyes, smiling a shy, barely noticeable smile. âI cannot express how much I love fall,â she said quietly. âDo you remember how we used to take walks in the afternoon, shortly before sunset? The entire world seemed to be covered in this warm, golden light that made us forget about all our troubles for a moment.â
Silence followed, none of the sisters would speak a word, wouldnât even look at each other until, all of a sudden, Andromeda slowly reached out her hand, touching Narcissaâs.
âYou canât help me, Cissy,â she repeated barely audible. âI-â
Sheâd not finish her sentence. Broke off, again giving a deep, sad sigh. No. No, Narcissa couldnât help her, no one could. How many times had she been forced to lie to her, how many times had she pretended to be all right⦠But she wasnât all right, of course she wasnât. What had happened to her during the past months, what had made her lose control, what had broken her? She did not know. Did not know anything.
The nightmares had started long before her mother had died, seemed to drive her into sheer madness. But how, how could she ever talk about them? How could she even ever even lose a word about these dreams, about the things they did to her? Especially now, now that her sisters had their own problems, now that everything had changed? No, she couldnât talk to them, couldnât bother them with her ridiculous problems.
But what if she lost her mind? What, if she was about to lose her mind, what, if the nightmares would never stop again? She did not know, did not know anything.
âI know that you miss her,â Narcissa said all of a sudden, breaking the silence, causing her to wince. Andromeda bit her lip, her attempts to control her breathing failing. Why⦠Why did she have to bring her up, why did she have to talk about her? Now, now that even thinking of her mother seemed to make everything worse⦠She still wouldnât turn around, still wouldnât look at her sister, remained motionless, not speaking a word.
âI miss her too,â she continued, her voice husky, tearful. âOf course I miss her⦠But-â
She broke off. Andromeda heard her rise from her chair, as if she were ready to resign, ready to leave the room, but then⦠Then sheâd only turn around, sit down on the bed, pulling her close into her arms.
Andromeda could feel tears stream down her sisterâs face, could feel her entire body shaking. Again she bit her lip, again sheâd only sigh, again sheâd remain silent, desperately trying to regain control over her thoughts.
All this seemed so unreal, seemed like a dream to her, like one of her nightmares. Sheâd never forgive her mother, never! How angry she was at her, how incredibly angry⦠Why had she left them? Why had she left so early, why had she-
As if itâd been her fault. As if itâd all been her motherâs fault, as if itâd only been her death that had broken her. Of course not. Of course it hadnât. But still, still she missed her, missed her so much⦠Sheâd loved her, had loved her more than anything else, even though so many things had happened over all these years, even though sheâd done so much to her, had hurt her so many timesâ¦
Never forgive. Never forget.
But hadnât she been her mother? No matter how many times sheâd hurt her, hadnât she been the woman whoâd given birth to her, the woman whoâd raised her? No matter what sheâd done to her, hadnât she-
Andromeda wouldnât even finish her thought. Was unable to suppress a quiet sob, unable to hold back her tears any longer. Sheâd never cried since her motherâs passing, had never even shed a single tear. But now? Now, that she held Narcissa in her arms, her usually so strong little sister, now that she felt her tears against her skin, she was unable to keep control over her emotions any longer.
âItâs not just motherâs death bothering youâ¦â Narcissa whispered into her ear, her breath finally having normalised. âIsnât it, Andy? Itâs something elseâ¦â
Sheâd not reply. Wouldnât reply, wouldnât speak a word. Only closed her eyes, for just a second, then looked at her, looked deeply into her sisterâs bright, blue eyes⦠And nodded. Of course it was. But what? What had changed her so much, what bothered her so much that it even seemed to make sleep intolerable? If only she knew⦠If only she had the ability to break away from her past, to break away from everything, to start anew, if only she had the ability to be happyâ¦
âAndy,â Narcissa said quietly, taking her hands into hers, giving a deep sigh. âPlease. Talk to me. I⦠I worry-â
She broke off for a moment, as if she didnât know what to say, as if she were looking for the right words. But then, then again she sighed, shook her head. It seemed to take her great effort to hold back the tears that once again wanted to just uncontrollably flow down her face.
âI worry for you,â she whispered. âI⦠I hear you scream, in the middle of the night⦠But every time I look after you, youâre asleep, fast asleep! I⦠Andy, I donât want to lose you, tooâ¦â
Andromeda gasped for breath, bit her lip as she heard her sisterâs voice, as she saw the expression on her face⦠No. No, she wouldnât lose her; of course sheâd not lose her! How many times had she sworn herself not to lead a life like her mother had led, how many times had she sworn herself to be different. But was she really different? Were her and her mother really this different? They both had loved, they both had made mistakes⦠Werenât they just the same?
As if your mother ever loved you.
âOf course she did!â Andromeda shouted, all of a sudden, feeling how Narcissa winced right next to her. âOf course she loved me⦠Of course she didâ¦â
âAndy-â
âCissy, you donât understand⦠You⦠You canât understand! Even I canâtâ¦â Slowly Andromeda got up from her bed, heading for the door as if she wanted to leave, but turned around only a second later. âI⦠Merlin, I wish I knew what to say. I wish I knew what to tell you, I wish I knew what to think! I canât sleep any more, I⦠Every time I close my eyes I-â
Again, sheâd not finish her sentence. Again sheâd only break off, would only shake her head. No she wouldnât understand. Narcissa wouldnât understand, of course she wouldnât. She had not been hurt like sheâd been hurt, sheâd not lost everything that had ever been important to her. Sheâd always been loved by their parents, had always been adored. Not her, not Andromeda. For her, everything had been different. Everything.
âYou know how much they loved you,â Narcissa said as if sheâd read her mind. âEspecially mother. You know how much she cared for you, more than for any of us.â
âShe knew I needed her,â Andromeda whispered, barely audible. âShe knew how much I needed her but never was there for me. How could she have cared?â
Of course she knew that Narcissa was right. Of course she knew that everything she said was right, of course she was doing her injustice, but she was so hurt, so incredibly hurt! Why wasnât she there for her now? Why not now, now that she needed her the most? Sheâd left her, had left them all! So how⦠How could she ever forgive her?
âAndy,â Narcissa said quietly, reaching out her hand to touch her again. âAndy, I know that she hurt you, she hurt us too! Sheâs made mistakes, but we all do. You know how hard it was for her to allow herself to feel and admit her emotions, especially towards you, and you know why. Please, donât blame her for something she couldnât help.â
Never forget. Never forgive.
Andromeda only shook her head, laughing a quiet, cold laugh. No. No, she couldnât blame her mother for the things sheâd done, of course she couldnât. It wasnât Druella whoâd broken her, it wasnât her mother, and it wasnât her death. So were it the nightmares? Were it really the nightmares that seemed to destroy her? But how could they, if she lost any memory of the dreams as soon as she opened her eyes? How could they break her, if she was unable to remember them each day she woke? She did not know. Did not know anything.
âCissyâ¦â she whispered, sobbing a quiet, dry sob. âI⦠Iâm going mad⦠I think Iâm going mad!â
Quickly she turned away from her sister, not wanting her to see her in a state like this, not wanting her to notice her pain, but it was too late. Narcissa had already taken her arm, had turned around, would now force her to look into her eyes. She opened her mouth to speak, But Andromeda had been faster than her.
âYou said you hear me scream,â she said quietly. âIn the middle of the night⦠I⦠I donât know when it started, but⦠Nightmares, they⦠they come every night. They seem to haunt me, to- I canât even sleep any more, Cissy! Iâm too afraid to fall asleep, too afraid to even close my eyes⦠But what can I do? Never sleep again, for the rest of my life? Stay awake until I die? Iâm not myself any more⦠I⦠I canât go on any longer⦠I just canât!â
Never forget. Never forgive.
âWhy didnât you tell me?â Narcissa asked, her voice no more than a whisper. âAndy, why didnât you tell me earlier?â
âYou couldnât have changed it. You couldnât have changed it; you couldnât have helped me⦠No one can help meâ¦â
No. No one would ever be able to help her, no one would be able to take the nightmares from her, to make her the person she used to be. She had changed, had changed irrevocably, would never be the same again. Was it her fate? Was it her fate never to be happy, to drift away from the world, to lead a lonely life, a life in insanity? She did not know. Did not know anything, did not want her sister to look at her with the same face expression sheâd looked at their mother shortly before her death, did not want to worry her, to bother her even more.
Never forget. Never forgive. Itâs your fault. Itâs all your fault, Andromeda. You could have saved her. But what did you do? Nothing. You did nothing, nothing! You just watched her die. Itâs your fault!
âItâs my fault!â she shouted out, not even knowing what she said, not even able to control her words, finally speaking out what sheâd never spoken out, finally able to understand what her subconscious had always seemed to tell her. Dizziness would overwhelm her, all of a sudden she was dizzy, so incredibly dizzy⦠Had Narcissa not held her, sheâd have fallen down to the floor, having lost any control over her body. âItâs my fault, itâs all my fault! I could have saved herâ¦â
âAndy,â Narcissa said firmly, holding her tight as she lead her to her bed again, carefully sitting her down. âAndy, listen-â
âNo, Cissy⦠No! You donât understand⦠I could have saved her! I could have been there for her! Iâm not better than her, no⦠I wasnât there for her enough; I wasnât there! Not even when she needed me the most! Itâs my fault⦠Itâs all my faultâ¦â
âAndy⦠Andy, please⦠Listen to me⦠Itâs not your fault! Itâs not your fault that she died! You know what kind of life she led in the end, you know that all she wanted was to follow father, you know it! You know that you couldnât have saved her! None of us could have saved her! Not me, not Bella, not you! You were always there for her, more than any of us. Canât you remember? Canât you remember how you took care of her in the time after father died? Canât you remember how sat at her bedside, waiting until she finally fell asleep, canât you remember how you heard her cry in the middle of the night because she was too ashamed to show any of us her tears? Please⦠Please, donât blame yourself for things you could never have averted.â
Never forget. Never forgive.
Andromeda wouldnât even hear her sisterâs words, wouldnât even understand what sheâd said, had only started to sob, to uncontrollably sob, wetting Narcissaâs clothes with her tears. Had it been this? All these months, had she been riven by grief, had it been guilt breaking her, had it been guilt making her lose control, changing her so much? Guilt⦠Finally she was able to speak out what sheâd felt for such a long time, finally she realised what had been happening to her, finally she knew⦠But how⦠How could have guilt also caused her nightmares, had they started a long time before her mother had died, how-
Could she have saved her? Could she really have saved her mother, could she really have been there for her more than she was? She did not know, did not know anything. Had she gone mad already? Had she already lost her mind, had insanity already overwhelmed her, taken control over her body, over her mind? So many questions, so many questions sheâd never find an answer to, so much-
âAndy,â Narcissaâs voice said right next to her, but she wouldnât react, wouldnât reply to her sister, no⦠Why should she, why should she still talk to her, why should she bother her even more⦠Wouldnât everything be better without her? Wouldnât it be better if she just disappeared, if she left, never looking back?
âAndyâ¦â her sister said again, but again, sheâd not answer. Wouldnât want to speak, wouldnât even want to think⦠All she wanted was to sleep, to just fall into a dreamless sleep and never wake up again.
âAndromeda!â Narcissa now shouted, turning her head to force her to look at her, to finally react to her words.
âListen to me,â she said slowly, her voice firm and cold, in a way Andromeda had never heard her speak before. âIt was not your fault. It was not your fault that mother died, you could not have helped her. You could not have saved her. Do you understand?â
Nothing.
âAndromeda, do you understand?â
Andromeda wanted to turn her head, wanted to look away but Narcissa wouldnât allow her to move, wouldnât allow her to escape. She nodded, slowly, barely noticeable, biting her lip as she spoke out one single word.
âYes.â
But was she right? Was Narcissa really right, had it been impossible for her to save her, had it been impossible to help her? Had she really done everything sheâd been able to do? She did not know. Of course she didnât. But how could Narcissa know, too? How could her sister know if Andromeda had done everything she was capable to do? Had she found her? Had Narcissa found her mother, dead in the bathroom, had she held her lifeless body in her arms, unable to move, unable to even breathe? No. No, itâd been her, Andromeda! Itâd been her to find her, her to notify her sisters! Not Cissy, not Bella, her! Her sisters hadnât seen their mother dead, they hadnât looked into her once so expressional eyes, eyes that had become empty.
Their strong, unbreakable mother had fallen, had left and would never return. How much she loved her, how much she missed her⦠Sheâd give everything to bring her back, even her own life.
âShe knew sheâd die,â Andromeda said, all of a sudden, looking deeply into her sisterâs eyes. âShe knew and she-â
She broke off for a moment, taking a deep breath, desperately attempting to control her voice, to suppress her sobs. âDo you know what she said to me, the last time we saw each other?â she continued, âDo you know? She⦠She spoke to me, like she never spoke to me before. It was a farewell! She made her farewell, and I didnât notice! I didnât notice, I did nothing. Nothing, Cissy⦠I did nothing! I should have thought about her words, I⦠I should have noticed that something was wrong! Instead I just⦠Nothing. I did nothing⦠Itâs my fault. Itâs all my faultâ¦â
âYou couldnât have known,â Narcissa whispered, but Andromeda only shook her head. Of course she could, of course she couldâve known, she should have listened! If she had listenedâ¦
Silence followed, none of the sisters would speak a word. Theyâd only sit there, holding each other, lost in their thoughts, lost in memories. How much had Andromeda fought with her mother. How many times had they hey had arguments about nothing, nothing at all⦠Nothing of this could be undone, none of these words could be unsaid⦠How much would she give to talk to her again, once, only once, how much would she give to be able to apologise for everything sheâd done, for every time sheâd hurt herâ¦
Finally she rose from her bed, placing a soft kiss on her sisterâs forehead before she headed for the door, opening it, stepping out of her room.
âWhere are you going?â Narcissa asked, causing her to turn around for one last time, to look at her.
âTaking a walk,â she replied. âI⦠I just need some air.â
âIâll join you.â
âNo. Go to sleep, Cissy, itâs late.â
âPromise me that youâll come back.â
âI promise.â
She had no memory of when sheâd last left the house. Had no memory of when sheâd last stepped into the fresh air, of when sheâd last felt the cold wind against her skin. She was freezing, had forgot to take her cloak with her, but she didnât care. Wouldnât care about anything, not now. Minutes, hours seemed to pass as she walked through the streets, still unable to keep her thoughts in order, to regain control over her mind. Never would she forgive herself for not being able to save her mother, no. Never. And never would she forget.
Slowly she sank down to a bench, far away from her home, far away from Narcissa, far away from the room sheâd locked herself into for such a long time. Slowly sheâd turn her head, watching a leaf fall down from a chestnut tree, gracefully landing on her thigh.
Never forget. Never forgive.
Her mother had fallen, like the autumn leaves had fallen from the trees and Andromeda knew that, one day, she would fall, too.
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