17.11.2008, 15:28
das hab ich in nem anderen forum gefunden... ich werd mal nix weiter dazu sagen. jeder soll sich selber seine meinung bilden.
aufgrund der länge packe ich das in einen spoiler
(achtung englisch)
aufgrund der länge packe ich das in einen spoiler
(achtung englisch)
Show Content
SpoilerDear Anti-Twilight People,
How can you not like Twilight?!?! That's impossible and blasphemous! I am surprisedâno, FLOORED. Twilight, I believe, is nothing short of phenomenal, with its colourful writing, lovable characters, and inspirational messages. I am taking the time to write this because I want to defend this miraculous series, which have touched the lives of so many girls (and guys?). Before Twilight came, there was a gaping hole in our hearts, but Twilight has filled that gaping hole...and more.
Let's start with Meyer's extraordinary writing. I am so impressed with her writing that I hope I can write like her someday, with all that wonderfully abundant purple prose. There's just something about the overflowing use of adjectives and constant use of "cold," "god," "chuckled," "beautiful," "perfect," "chagrin," "bronze," "marble," and "glared" that just rubs me off the right way. Reading about Edward's beauty in almost every page NEVER gets old and NEVER makes me want to jump into a pool of acid, because seriously, her writing is just so perfect. How can you not realize that? You know what, if you can't realize that, I can only come to one conclusion: You're blind. And guess what, proper grammar is SO last month. Coherent sentences are overrated. So is logic. This is 2008, people! You donât have to know the basics of grammar, sentence structure, and logic in order to write a good book! JEEZ!
I absolutely love the characters, and if you can't recognize their threeâno, FOURâdimensionality, you must be stupid. Every girl can relate to Bella because who hasn't turned into a walking undead corpse with no active intelligence and jumped off a cliff when their boyfriend leaves them? Who doesn't leave their brain in the house once in a while? Who doesn't trip on their own feet every five seconds? Who wouldn't squeal with delight and be all dazzled when they find out their boyfriend glitters in the glowing sun? You know what, fuck you. I bet you're just JEALOUS of Bella. Yes, you read right. You're jealous because you're not a kickass Mary Sue like her. You're jealous because on her first day of school she has the guts to treat anyone who is friendly to her like dirt, mud, and slime (except for hot Edwardâahhh, drool!). You're jealous because she is an endearing doormat with no talent or ambition. And finally, you're jealous of that fact that she has a hot boyfriend who has a million diamonds studded on his skin and talks like a rejected proposal for a new Hallmark card. I don't know about you, but that sounds uber-sexy to me. That should sound sexy to you, too. If it doesn't, then you're a retard.
And Edward. OMG, Edward. This guy is just so perfect. This guy is a god. This guy lingers in my dreams every single night. Having read Twilight, my expectations for men have skyrocketed. No man can beat Edward. So screw you, you mortal men who only know how to give warmth and not coldness like the god-like Edward. Screw you, you mortal men who don't have a sexy cardboard personality and are too chicken to recite romantic, poetic lines to the girl you like. Read Twilight so that you know how to talk like a GOD. If you don't include heart-rending lines like "Look after my heartâIâve left it with you"; "Youâre intoxicated by my presence"; or "Silly Bella" to your everyday speech, you are dead to me. If you don't sabotage my car to stop me from seeing my best friend, you're not worthy. If you don't sneak into my room in the middle of the night and watch me sleep, which is normal for guys to do (and indeed, encouraged; I hope all men attempt to do that now), I will never forgive you.
I refuse to admit that Edward is just a fictional character, that there is no one out there who actually turns into a live action disco ball when placed under the sun and murmurs as he rolls around on the grass, "Do I dazzle you?" (*SQUEAL*FAINT*HEARTSTOP*) To me, Edward is real. Even though it says "Robert Pattinson" on his birth certificate, to me, his real name is Edward Cullen. That's why I stalk him (it's only creepy when pedophiles do itâand NO JACOB IS NOT A PEDOPHILE BECAUSE HIM AND NESSIE ARE MEANT TO BE AND MEYER NEVER MEANT FOR IT TO BE IN A GROSS WAY SO THAT MAKES IT OKAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!). That's why I have no qualms expressing my desire to have RobâEdward'sâbabies.
I totally approve Meyer's messages in Twilight. People, why can't you understand that Feminism is so last year? Bella IS a good role model! (Screw you, Jane Eyre.) Sure she can be very weak, irritating, self-loathing, dull, seriously stupid, and worthy of the Mary-Sue-That-Can't-Be-Outdone Award, but she is also kind and mature (I'm sure the evidence for her kindness and maturity is in there; you just have to look real hard or delude yourself into finding it, like what I did)! Given her extreme clumsiness, I bet she can somehow find a way to trip on a nonexistent rock/branch/grain of rice. Now you cannot deny how extremely charming that is. And you know what, you're wrong about the anti-Feminism in this series! Bella does get to make choices! Remember she had to choose between becoming Edward's girl or becoming Jacob's girl? If that doesn't scream Feminism, then I don't know what does. She got to make other choices, too. For example, one time she had to...to...to...
What the hell is so wrong with letting your boyfriend control you, anyway? Edward is controlling because it's for her own good, for crying out loud! He does it because he freakin' LOVES her! HE HAD GOOD INTENTIONS, WHICH OF COURSE JUSTIFIES HIS ACTIONS COMPLETELY. That's why my friend (also Twilight-loving) forgave her hot, brooding boyfriend when he hid her car keys to stop her from attending what he believed to be a dangerous party (this dangerous party, by the way, consisted of her closest girl and guy friends, a poker set, and a few drinks). That dude had good intentions, so what he did was acceptable.
And what's so wrong with jumping off a cliff just so that you can hear your man's voice in your head? That's perfectly normal. What's so wrong with refusing to go to college, refusing to nurture your intellect (Bella has one somewhere, no matter what you people say), just so you can stay with your one true love? Forget goals and self-advancement; as long as you have your one true love by your side, nothing else is important. And you know what, I am so SICK of you people saying that their love is not epic and true! You're so wrong! Bella and Edward have the deepest, truest, most epic love EVER!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG!!!! I mean, when Edward left Bella, she was on the brink of insanity and suicide. She couldn't exist, couldn't be self-sufficient, without him. Edward, meanwhile, is deeply attracted to her scent. If that's not true love, then I don't know what is.
I wish my relationship was as healthy as theirs. I wish I had their kind of blind, obsessive, and shallow love. It's beautiful and convincing, and I'm sure I will never tire of it, not even if I am forever stuck with someone I barely know. But never mind that! Never mind that Bella and Edward don't really know anything about each other. Never mind that they fell in love almost right away, with no justification as to why they fell in love in the first place (that's another brilliant thing about Meyer's writing; she keeps you guessing). If Meyer says it's true love, IT'S TRUE LOVE, DAMMIT. So fuck you, if you think differently from how Meyer wishes you to think. How dare you.
Oh and you know what, I agree with what my fellow fangirls have been telling you people. If you have a negative opinion of something, for God's sake, just keep it to yourself! Don't share it! You're being really rude, you know. You're being rude to the fans, to Stephenie, and to the book (the book has feelings too). How DARE you express your dislike for something! How DARE you analyze Twilight and view it in a negative light! You have absolutely NO right to do so! No right whatsoever! Don't you know that if you don't like something, you're supposed to just keep it bottled up inside you and pray for the Rob Effect to work? If you're not going to praise Twilight, then you have no right to talk at all, so just shut up, okay? You know what, I bet you've never even read the books! And don't you know that youâre hurting Stephenie Meyer's feelings? Just because she, as a writer, has knowingly placed herself before the public eye doesn't mean that you have the right to be criticizing her and her work. (Her books are perfect and she's perfect, so there's nothing to criticize. Meyer makes no mistakes; you may think she does, but thatâs only because you're interpreting her words/actions wrong.)
I also agree with the other things my fellow fangirls have been saying. It's FICTION, people! It's pretend, so lighten up! Get over it! Stop nitpicking at the things in this series that are questionable. It's FREAKIN' FANTASY, and that argument alone should let Meyer get away with absolutely anything! If she wants her...vampires...to emit sudden rays of light instead of burst into flames when placed under the sun, why not? If she doesn't want her precious Bella to thirst fiercely for human blood when she first turns into a...vampire...even though she is supposed to thirst like a fanatic, then fine! And if she wants Bella to push Jacob's future mate out of her birth canal, then by God, let her! It's fantasy, anyway! If you're dissatisfied with the beautiful, emotional, cop-out ending, GET OVER IT! You have absolutely no right to express your disappointment. Stop with the nitpicking already! Since Twilight is supposed to be nothing more than pure, harmless entertainment, it is seriously unpardonable to call Meyer out on her bold rejection of logic, her extremely blind eye towards criticism, and her (unintended?) glorification of several issues that should never be glorified. You should leave Meyer alone because I'm sure she had good intentions, and that, Reader, should be enough to pacify your grievances. Actually, you shouldn't even have grievances in the first place because Meyer said that she wrote for herself, so she shouldn't have to give a damn whether or not you are happy with the series (especially Breaking Dawn). If Meyer is happy with it, then that should be enough for you. Go apologize to this innocent author and put band-aids on her metaphorical wounds. Or better yet, be ashamed of yourself for daring to question her in the first place. (How dare you question? What age do you think we live in?) That's the only wise and proper thing to do.
So just relax, people. You're analyzing this fabulous self-insertion fantasy way too much. If you analyze too much, you won't take pleasure in the awesome parts of Twilight, such as the mesmerizing prose; the thrilling plot; the hot, brooding, multi-faceted Edward <3; the not-gorgeous, not-graceful, but still delightful Bella; and lots more (I love Alice! She makes me want to spend all my money on frippery and forget all about paying for college. But then again, Bella doesn't want to go to college, so why should I? And FYI, looking at inner beauty is overrated. It's all about physical appearance, people! If you're not as good-looking as an immortal bloodsucker, you are nothing. That's the only thing that mattersâthat and having your own sports car, island, unlimited wealth, and whatnot. And throwing uneaten and unopened food every single day in school will definitely make you look less suspicious, so just keep on doing it. Forget about starving children in third-world countries; Meyer probably left them out of her Twilight universe anyway.). And you know what, just because Twilight is my Bible doesn't mean that I'm going to let it influence me in my own life. That whole subconscious thing is just a myth, anyway.
Reserve the analyzing for REAL literature. Twilight is better than real literature. Twilight is...
Twilight is a frickin' miracle, that's what it is. It should never be called literature because it's better than that. Twilight is in a category of its own.
Also, you really need to leave us rabid fangirls alone. What have we ever done to you, besides turn excessively malicious and vindictive whenever you say something critical about Twilight? So what if we think that Twilight is the best thing to ever grace this earth? So what if we refuse to acknowledge the abominable writing of Mrs. Meyer? So what if we want to gush on and on about our sexy Edward? There's this thing called freedom of expression! (Which, by the way, applies to us fans only. You're still forbidden to express anything that hints at distaste.)
Now I'll move on to another powerful attack that will surely make you weep. I refuse to acknowledge the fact that there will never be evidence that can authenticate the following accusation, and that in truth, I'm just deluding myself. Anyway, here it is: I bet you're just jealous of Mrs. Meyer's success and talent. That must be it. I bet you're jealous because you know you can't write like she can. You can never reach that level where purple prose simply gushes out uncontrollably as your fingers dance over the keys. You can never reach that level where you're content with incorporating bland characters and a barely-there plot in your story because at least you're writing a guilty pleasure that serves as wish-fulfilment for you and your readers. Because it's only meant to be a guilty pleasure, the atrociousness of the writing becomes perfectly acceptable. It's NOT meant to be the next Anna Karenina, Pride and Prejudice, or (Insert Your Favourite Classic Lit Here), and Meyer is NOT trying to be the next Austen or Shakespeare. She just wants to be a simple storyteller, and that, dear Reader, gives you a perfectly legitimate reason to excuse her horrendous writing. Because it's only meant to be a guilty pleasure, it's only fair that you turn off your brain and read the series as if you don't have one. So stop analyzing, okay? I know you can enjoy the book simply by abandoning reason altogether and anything remotely related to your intellect. That's how you'll learn to like it, in my opinion. Stop being jealous of Meyer's self-complacency (she has every right to bitch and whine whenever she receives criticism because as long as the dough and the fan worship keeps on coming, the amount of crapola in her series should never be brought up). Stop being jealous of her hard-earned buckaroos...yes, they are hard-earned! I'm sure she did a lot of research and went through at least three major editing phases before the final draft.
And may I just say that unless you yourself have written a best-selling novel, you have no right to criticize her work in the first place. On the other hand, if you wish to do the opposite by praising it, no one will bitch at you. You don't have to be a best-selling author for the privilege of giving the series a glowing review because even though you are nothing but a humble reader, I have faith that you're capable enough to point out the good aspects of the series. However, that's where it ends; I'm sorry, but you are not capable enough to point out the bad aspects. That defies logic, but like I said, logic is so overrated.
I shall also take this opportunity to smugly challenge you to write a best-seller like Mrs. Meyer, because the only way your opinion can have any sort of merit is if you write a great, second-rate, self-inserting piece of crap that caters to the needs of angst-ridden teens and bored moms. (The series made millions of dollars and is on the best-seller list, so naturally, that makes them great. It's only logical, right?)
Because I love Twilight so damn much, I have made it my mission to defend it with all my might. I USUALI TYP LYK DIS WEN I TRY 2 DEFND MY BELOVD SIRIES, but I thought I'd do things differently today. You know, I am good at defending Twilight. Notice that I have called you blind, stupid, and a retard; I've thrown in "OMG" and "fuck you" a few times; I've accused you of being jealous; and I've added in a lot of capital letters and exclamation marks. I should also point out that you guys should stop wasting your time hating and just go get a life/go to hell. I know that doing all these things makes me sound brilliant and also reserves me the right to be taken seriously. And you know what, you can't change my mind about this fantastic series because I'LL PULL A MEYER JUST BURY MY HEAD IN THE SAND WHEN YOU TRY TO TALK SOME SENSE INTO ME! Nani nani boo boo!
Oh, and by the way, because you hate Twilight, you anti-Twilight people must be, like, two years old. Not even! I bet you're, like, EMBRYOS! HA! Iâm so clever! (*LMAO*LMAO*LMAO*)
I'm so upset by what you people say about my Bible. You know what, I just can't wait until when my boyfriend leaves me; I want to jump off a cliff NOW. I can't believe that you people are hating on the best series of life.
Here's to the Rob Effect because the only reason why you hate this series is that you still haven't gotten used to it yet. That's the only plausible explanation for your dislike. Give it time, and I'm confident that you'll learn to love it. Yes, I am aware that Meyer the Genius used that theory to defend just one book, which is the masterpiece that is Breaking Dawn, but I think the Rob Effect can be applied to you general anti-Twilight crowd. (Robert Pattinson must be positively giddy for being roped into this as well. He must be excited...as excited as watching himself sparkle onscreen. And I agree with you, Mrs. Meyer, about the Rob Effect; people who hate Breaking Dawn simply cannot think for themselves so 'tis imperative that you force the wheels of their brain to turn the other directionâor you can try at least. You can definitely get away with insulting the intelligence of people who have the audacity to dislike your book because to us, you can do no wrong. You're, like, Jesus. As for your nonstop defensive methods: keep 'em comin'! And keep those books comin'! They're delicious French fries for the blissfully delusional mush in my head that is my brain.)
It comes to this: Your level of importance as a Twilight fan depends on how much love you show for Twilight and how much you try to defend it. I am at the very top of the fan pyramidâand am not planning on being demoted everâbecause I am rabid; I will say and do ANYTHING for Twilight. Those who read Twilight just for fun and don't revolve their lives around it are disgraceful, and therefore should never be imitated. Those who like Twilight, but are aware of the not-so-good messages in the book need to learn to shut their working brains off. Those who enjoy Twilight, but admit that it's not actually well-written, commit the ultimate heresy. And finally, Twilight fans who understand that not everyone will like Twilight, and that Twilight critics also have the right to speak their mind, are stupid fucking traitors.
As for you people who have the gall to criticize Twilight, you suck and need to burn in hell.
Long live Twilight! Twilight 4ever!!!!!!!
With endless loathing for you Twilight Haters and an uncontrollable urge to hit something, burst out crying, or vent my anger anonymously on the Internet,
A Maniacal Fan of Twilight Who Pines for Her Own Edward "I Glitter, Therefore I Am God" Cullen. Rawr.
P.S. There is nothing wrong with being a nutjob. There is nothing wrong with revolving our lives around Twilight and claiming that it is the best piece of flawless literature that's out there, because it's true. There is nothing wrong with giving out crazy, vicious death threats to you sane, nonviolent people who have an opinion that is different from ours. We hate you with a passion (you damn embryos) and throw a hissy fit simply because you do not agree with us. THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT, ITâS PERFECTLY NORMAL AND APPROPRIATE. When you insult our precious book, you insult us and our god (Meyer, you fools!). We're not above resorting to violence, and we're damn proud of it. After all, we need an outlet for the Twilight-love that overflows from the previously gaping holes in our hearts. Look how admirably mature we fans are, Mrs. Meyer. With us Twilight-obsessed teenagers as the next generation of adults, it's bound to be a bright future indeed. As bright as gorgeous Edward in the shining golden sun. Yes indeedio. Feel free, my fellow fangirls, to share this defence piece to all the ignorant Anti-Twilight People out there.
P.P.S. As an aspiring writer, I really hope I'm becoming more and more like Meyer. I used the thesaurus like twenty thousand times while writing thisâI think I also contradicted myself a few timesâso I must be on the right path.
P.P.P.S. My friend (not the one with the Edward-like boyfriend) is a biatch. She says that when she imagines a rabid fangirl like me, she imagines the girl foaming in the mouth like Homer Simpson and gurgling, "Mmmmmâ¦shit-ficâ¦â¦" Holy crow!!! Twilight, a shit-fic? Neverrr!!!
How can you not like Twilight?!?! That's impossible and blasphemous! I am surprisedâno, FLOORED. Twilight, I believe, is nothing short of phenomenal, with its colourful writing, lovable characters, and inspirational messages. I am taking the time to write this because I want to defend this miraculous series, which have touched the lives of so many girls (and guys?). Before Twilight came, there was a gaping hole in our hearts, but Twilight has filled that gaping hole...and more.
Let's start with Meyer's extraordinary writing. I am so impressed with her writing that I hope I can write like her someday, with all that wonderfully abundant purple prose. There's just something about the overflowing use of adjectives and constant use of "cold," "god," "chuckled," "beautiful," "perfect," "chagrin," "bronze," "marble," and "glared" that just rubs me off the right way. Reading about Edward's beauty in almost every page NEVER gets old and NEVER makes me want to jump into a pool of acid, because seriously, her writing is just so perfect. How can you not realize that? You know what, if you can't realize that, I can only come to one conclusion: You're blind. And guess what, proper grammar is SO last month. Coherent sentences are overrated. So is logic. This is 2008, people! You donât have to know the basics of grammar, sentence structure, and logic in order to write a good book! JEEZ!
I absolutely love the characters, and if you can't recognize their threeâno, FOURâdimensionality, you must be stupid. Every girl can relate to Bella because who hasn't turned into a walking undead corpse with no active intelligence and jumped off a cliff when their boyfriend leaves them? Who doesn't leave their brain in the house once in a while? Who doesn't trip on their own feet every five seconds? Who wouldn't squeal with delight and be all dazzled when they find out their boyfriend glitters in the glowing sun? You know what, fuck you. I bet you're just JEALOUS of Bella. Yes, you read right. You're jealous because you're not a kickass Mary Sue like her. You're jealous because on her first day of school she has the guts to treat anyone who is friendly to her like dirt, mud, and slime (except for hot Edwardâahhh, drool!). You're jealous because she is an endearing doormat with no talent or ambition. And finally, you're jealous of that fact that she has a hot boyfriend who has a million diamonds studded on his skin and talks like a rejected proposal for a new Hallmark card. I don't know about you, but that sounds uber-sexy to me. That should sound sexy to you, too. If it doesn't, then you're a retard.
And Edward. OMG, Edward. This guy is just so perfect. This guy is a god. This guy lingers in my dreams every single night. Having read Twilight, my expectations for men have skyrocketed. No man can beat Edward. So screw you, you mortal men who only know how to give warmth and not coldness like the god-like Edward. Screw you, you mortal men who don't have a sexy cardboard personality and are too chicken to recite romantic, poetic lines to the girl you like. Read Twilight so that you know how to talk like a GOD. If you don't include heart-rending lines like "Look after my heartâIâve left it with you"; "Youâre intoxicated by my presence"; or "Silly Bella" to your everyday speech, you are dead to me. If you don't sabotage my car to stop me from seeing my best friend, you're not worthy. If you don't sneak into my room in the middle of the night and watch me sleep, which is normal for guys to do (and indeed, encouraged; I hope all men attempt to do that now), I will never forgive you.
I refuse to admit that Edward is just a fictional character, that there is no one out there who actually turns into a live action disco ball when placed under the sun and murmurs as he rolls around on the grass, "Do I dazzle you?" (*SQUEAL*FAINT*HEARTSTOP*) To me, Edward is real. Even though it says "Robert Pattinson" on his birth certificate, to me, his real name is Edward Cullen. That's why I stalk him (it's only creepy when pedophiles do itâand NO JACOB IS NOT A PEDOPHILE BECAUSE HIM AND NESSIE ARE MEANT TO BE AND MEYER NEVER MEANT FOR IT TO BE IN A GROSS WAY SO THAT MAKES IT OKAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!). That's why I have no qualms expressing my desire to have RobâEdward'sâbabies.
I totally approve Meyer's messages in Twilight. People, why can't you understand that Feminism is so last year? Bella IS a good role model! (Screw you, Jane Eyre.) Sure she can be very weak, irritating, self-loathing, dull, seriously stupid, and worthy of the Mary-Sue-That-Can't-Be-Outdone Award, but she is also kind and mature (I'm sure the evidence for her kindness and maturity is in there; you just have to look real hard or delude yourself into finding it, like what I did)! Given her extreme clumsiness, I bet she can somehow find a way to trip on a nonexistent rock/branch/grain of rice. Now you cannot deny how extremely charming that is. And you know what, you're wrong about the anti-Feminism in this series! Bella does get to make choices! Remember she had to choose between becoming Edward's girl or becoming Jacob's girl? If that doesn't scream Feminism, then I don't know what does. She got to make other choices, too. For example, one time she had to...to...to...
What the hell is so wrong with letting your boyfriend control you, anyway? Edward is controlling because it's for her own good, for crying out loud! He does it because he freakin' LOVES her! HE HAD GOOD INTENTIONS, WHICH OF COURSE JUSTIFIES HIS ACTIONS COMPLETELY. That's why my friend (also Twilight-loving) forgave her hot, brooding boyfriend when he hid her car keys to stop her from attending what he believed to be a dangerous party (this dangerous party, by the way, consisted of her closest girl and guy friends, a poker set, and a few drinks). That dude had good intentions, so what he did was acceptable.
And what's so wrong with jumping off a cliff just so that you can hear your man's voice in your head? That's perfectly normal. What's so wrong with refusing to go to college, refusing to nurture your intellect (Bella has one somewhere, no matter what you people say), just so you can stay with your one true love? Forget goals and self-advancement; as long as you have your one true love by your side, nothing else is important. And you know what, I am so SICK of you people saying that their love is not epic and true! You're so wrong! Bella and Edward have the deepest, truest, most epic love EVER!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG!!!! I mean, when Edward left Bella, she was on the brink of insanity and suicide. She couldn't exist, couldn't be self-sufficient, without him. Edward, meanwhile, is deeply attracted to her scent. If that's not true love, then I don't know what is.
I wish my relationship was as healthy as theirs. I wish I had their kind of blind, obsessive, and shallow love. It's beautiful and convincing, and I'm sure I will never tire of it, not even if I am forever stuck with someone I barely know. But never mind that! Never mind that Bella and Edward don't really know anything about each other. Never mind that they fell in love almost right away, with no justification as to why they fell in love in the first place (that's another brilliant thing about Meyer's writing; she keeps you guessing). If Meyer says it's true love, IT'S TRUE LOVE, DAMMIT. So fuck you, if you think differently from how Meyer wishes you to think. How dare you.
Oh and you know what, I agree with what my fellow fangirls have been telling you people. If you have a negative opinion of something, for God's sake, just keep it to yourself! Don't share it! You're being really rude, you know. You're being rude to the fans, to Stephenie, and to the book (the book has feelings too). How DARE you express your dislike for something! How DARE you analyze Twilight and view it in a negative light! You have absolutely NO right to do so! No right whatsoever! Don't you know that if you don't like something, you're supposed to just keep it bottled up inside you and pray for the Rob Effect to work? If you're not going to praise Twilight, then you have no right to talk at all, so just shut up, okay? You know what, I bet you've never even read the books! And don't you know that youâre hurting Stephenie Meyer's feelings? Just because she, as a writer, has knowingly placed herself before the public eye doesn't mean that you have the right to be criticizing her and her work. (Her books are perfect and she's perfect, so there's nothing to criticize. Meyer makes no mistakes; you may think she does, but thatâs only because you're interpreting her words/actions wrong.)
I also agree with the other things my fellow fangirls have been saying. It's FICTION, people! It's pretend, so lighten up! Get over it! Stop nitpicking at the things in this series that are questionable. It's FREAKIN' FANTASY, and that argument alone should let Meyer get away with absolutely anything! If she wants her...vampires...to emit sudden rays of light instead of burst into flames when placed under the sun, why not? If she doesn't want her precious Bella to thirst fiercely for human blood when she first turns into a...vampire...even though she is supposed to thirst like a fanatic, then fine! And if she wants Bella to push Jacob's future mate out of her birth canal, then by God, let her! It's fantasy, anyway! If you're dissatisfied with the beautiful, emotional, cop-out ending, GET OVER IT! You have absolutely no right to express your disappointment. Stop with the nitpicking already! Since Twilight is supposed to be nothing more than pure, harmless entertainment, it is seriously unpardonable to call Meyer out on her bold rejection of logic, her extremely blind eye towards criticism, and her (unintended?) glorification of several issues that should never be glorified. You should leave Meyer alone because I'm sure she had good intentions, and that, Reader, should be enough to pacify your grievances. Actually, you shouldn't even have grievances in the first place because Meyer said that she wrote for herself, so she shouldn't have to give a damn whether or not you are happy with the series (especially Breaking Dawn). If Meyer is happy with it, then that should be enough for you. Go apologize to this innocent author and put band-aids on her metaphorical wounds. Or better yet, be ashamed of yourself for daring to question her in the first place. (How dare you question? What age do you think we live in?) That's the only wise and proper thing to do.
So just relax, people. You're analyzing this fabulous self-insertion fantasy way too much. If you analyze too much, you won't take pleasure in the awesome parts of Twilight, such as the mesmerizing prose; the thrilling plot; the hot, brooding, multi-faceted Edward <3; the not-gorgeous, not-graceful, but still delightful Bella; and lots more (I love Alice! She makes me want to spend all my money on frippery and forget all about paying for college. But then again, Bella doesn't want to go to college, so why should I? And FYI, looking at inner beauty is overrated. It's all about physical appearance, people! If you're not as good-looking as an immortal bloodsucker, you are nothing. That's the only thing that mattersâthat and having your own sports car, island, unlimited wealth, and whatnot. And throwing uneaten and unopened food every single day in school will definitely make you look less suspicious, so just keep on doing it. Forget about starving children in third-world countries; Meyer probably left them out of her Twilight universe anyway.). And you know what, just because Twilight is my Bible doesn't mean that I'm going to let it influence me in my own life. That whole subconscious thing is just a myth, anyway.
Reserve the analyzing for REAL literature. Twilight is better than real literature. Twilight is...
Twilight is a frickin' miracle, that's what it is. It should never be called literature because it's better than that. Twilight is in a category of its own.
Also, you really need to leave us rabid fangirls alone. What have we ever done to you, besides turn excessively malicious and vindictive whenever you say something critical about Twilight? So what if we think that Twilight is the best thing to ever grace this earth? So what if we refuse to acknowledge the abominable writing of Mrs. Meyer? So what if we want to gush on and on about our sexy Edward? There's this thing called freedom of expression! (Which, by the way, applies to us fans only. You're still forbidden to express anything that hints at distaste.)
Now I'll move on to another powerful attack that will surely make you weep. I refuse to acknowledge the fact that there will never be evidence that can authenticate the following accusation, and that in truth, I'm just deluding myself. Anyway, here it is: I bet you're just jealous of Mrs. Meyer's success and talent. That must be it. I bet you're jealous because you know you can't write like she can. You can never reach that level where purple prose simply gushes out uncontrollably as your fingers dance over the keys. You can never reach that level where you're content with incorporating bland characters and a barely-there plot in your story because at least you're writing a guilty pleasure that serves as wish-fulfilment for you and your readers. Because it's only meant to be a guilty pleasure, the atrociousness of the writing becomes perfectly acceptable. It's NOT meant to be the next Anna Karenina, Pride and Prejudice, or (Insert Your Favourite Classic Lit Here), and Meyer is NOT trying to be the next Austen or Shakespeare. She just wants to be a simple storyteller, and that, dear Reader, gives you a perfectly legitimate reason to excuse her horrendous writing. Because it's only meant to be a guilty pleasure, it's only fair that you turn off your brain and read the series as if you don't have one. So stop analyzing, okay? I know you can enjoy the book simply by abandoning reason altogether and anything remotely related to your intellect. That's how you'll learn to like it, in my opinion. Stop being jealous of Meyer's self-complacency (she has every right to bitch and whine whenever she receives criticism because as long as the dough and the fan worship keeps on coming, the amount of crapola in her series should never be brought up). Stop being jealous of her hard-earned buckaroos...yes, they are hard-earned! I'm sure she did a lot of research and went through at least three major editing phases before the final draft.
And may I just say that unless you yourself have written a best-selling novel, you have no right to criticize her work in the first place. On the other hand, if you wish to do the opposite by praising it, no one will bitch at you. You don't have to be a best-selling author for the privilege of giving the series a glowing review because even though you are nothing but a humble reader, I have faith that you're capable enough to point out the good aspects of the series. However, that's where it ends; I'm sorry, but you are not capable enough to point out the bad aspects. That defies logic, but like I said, logic is so overrated.
I shall also take this opportunity to smugly challenge you to write a best-seller like Mrs. Meyer, because the only way your opinion can have any sort of merit is if you write a great, second-rate, self-inserting piece of crap that caters to the needs of angst-ridden teens and bored moms. (The series made millions of dollars and is on the best-seller list, so naturally, that makes them great. It's only logical, right?)
Because I love Twilight so damn much, I have made it my mission to defend it with all my might. I USUALI TYP LYK DIS WEN I TRY 2 DEFND MY BELOVD SIRIES, but I thought I'd do things differently today. You know, I am good at defending Twilight. Notice that I have called you blind, stupid, and a retard; I've thrown in "OMG" and "fuck you" a few times; I've accused you of being jealous; and I've added in a lot of capital letters and exclamation marks. I should also point out that you guys should stop wasting your time hating and just go get a life/go to hell. I know that doing all these things makes me sound brilliant and also reserves me the right to be taken seriously. And you know what, you can't change my mind about this fantastic series because I'LL PULL A MEYER JUST BURY MY HEAD IN THE SAND WHEN YOU TRY TO TALK SOME SENSE INTO ME! Nani nani boo boo!
Oh, and by the way, because you hate Twilight, you anti-Twilight people must be, like, two years old. Not even! I bet you're, like, EMBRYOS! HA! Iâm so clever! (*LMAO*LMAO*LMAO*)
I'm so upset by what you people say about my Bible. You know what, I just can't wait until when my boyfriend leaves me; I want to jump off a cliff NOW. I can't believe that you people are hating on the best series of life.
Here's to the Rob Effect because the only reason why you hate this series is that you still haven't gotten used to it yet. That's the only plausible explanation for your dislike. Give it time, and I'm confident that you'll learn to love it. Yes, I am aware that Meyer the Genius used that theory to defend just one book, which is the masterpiece that is Breaking Dawn, but I think the Rob Effect can be applied to you general anti-Twilight crowd. (Robert Pattinson must be positively giddy for being roped into this as well. He must be excited...as excited as watching himself sparkle onscreen. And I agree with you, Mrs. Meyer, about the Rob Effect; people who hate Breaking Dawn simply cannot think for themselves so 'tis imperative that you force the wheels of their brain to turn the other directionâor you can try at least. You can definitely get away with insulting the intelligence of people who have the audacity to dislike your book because to us, you can do no wrong. You're, like, Jesus. As for your nonstop defensive methods: keep 'em comin'! And keep those books comin'! They're delicious French fries for the blissfully delusional mush in my head that is my brain.)
It comes to this: Your level of importance as a Twilight fan depends on how much love you show for Twilight and how much you try to defend it. I am at the very top of the fan pyramidâand am not planning on being demoted everâbecause I am rabid; I will say and do ANYTHING for Twilight. Those who read Twilight just for fun and don't revolve their lives around it are disgraceful, and therefore should never be imitated. Those who like Twilight, but are aware of the not-so-good messages in the book need to learn to shut their working brains off. Those who enjoy Twilight, but admit that it's not actually well-written, commit the ultimate heresy. And finally, Twilight fans who understand that not everyone will like Twilight, and that Twilight critics also have the right to speak their mind, are stupid fucking traitors.
As for you people who have the gall to criticize Twilight, you suck and need to burn in hell.
Long live Twilight! Twilight 4ever!!!!!!!
With endless loathing for you Twilight Haters and an uncontrollable urge to hit something, burst out crying, or vent my anger anonymously on the Internet,
A Maniacal Fan of Twilight Who Pines for Her Own Edward "I Glitter, Therefore I Am God" Cullen. Rawr.
P.S. There is nothing wrong with being a nutjob. There is nothing wrong with revolving our lives around Twilight and claiming that it is the best piece of flawless literature that's out there, because it's true. There is nothing wrong with giving out crazy, vicious death threats to you sane, nonviolent people who have an opinion that is different from ours. We hate you with a passion (you damn embryos) and throw a hissy fit simply because you do not agree with us. THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT, ITâS PERFECTLY NORMAL AND APPROPRIATE. When you insult our precious book, you insult us and our god (Meyer, you fools!). We're not above resorting to violence, and we're damn proud of it. After all, we need an outlet for the Twilight-love that overflows from the previously gaping holes in our hearts. Look how admirably mature we fans are, Mrs. Meyer. With us Twilight-obsessed teenagers as the next generation of adults, it's bound to be a bright future indeed. As bright as gorgeous Edward in the shining golden sun. Yes indeedio. Feel free, my fellow fangirls, to share this defence piece to all the ignorant Anti-Twilight People out there.
P.P.S. As an aspiring writer, I really hope I'm becoming more and more like Meyer. I used the thesaurus like twenty thousand times while writing thisâI think I also contradicted myself a few timesâso I must be on the right path.
P.P.P.S. My friend (not the one with the Edward-like boyfriend) is a biatch. She says that when she imagines a rabid fangirl like me, she imagines the girl foaming in the mouth like Homer Simpson and gurgling, "Mmmmmâ¦shit-ficâ¦â¦" Holy crow!!! Twilight, a shit-fic? Neverrr!!!
"An actors job is the business of telling the truth in an imaginary situation."
- Tom Hiddleston
:lach:
