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Chapter 7 – Back on track
Lorelai went straight to the diner. After talking to Chris, she was in desperate need to talk to Luke. She knew she screwed up bad with everything that happened the past few months, and today she finally realized all the mistakes she made. The only thing she could do now was try to make things right with Luke. She hoped that he still wanted her, like she still wanted him.
Luke looked up when he heard the bell ring and smiled when he saw it was Lorelai. He immediately turned around to fill a cup with coffee and placed it in front of her when she sat down at the counter. “Hey, how were things at your parents?”
She thought for a moment and then said “Refreshing.”
He raised his eyebrows. “What?”
“My dad wasn’t home but I had a very interesting conversation with my mom.”
“That bad huh.” He replied, knowing how conversations between Lorelai and Emily usually went.
She shook her head. “No, it wasn’t bad at all. I think it’s the first real conversation I ever had with my mother.”
“Oh. What did you talk about?”
“About her fears and then about me and you.”
He was confused now. “About us?”
She nodded. “My mother finally let me see what I was blinded for all these months. I’m so sorry Luke, for everything that happened. I should have told you how I was feeling when I found out about April. I should have told you how left out I felt. I shouldn’t have pushed you that night, and I definitely shouldn’t have gone to Christopher.”
“But you did.”
She nodded. “Yes, and I can’t begin to tell you how much I regret that. How much I regret everything that happened after that. He’s not the guy I want to be with.”
“And still you married him. Listen, I don’t know what you want from me Lorelai. I don’t know why you’re telling me this.”
“Because life is too short. I told Chris that I want a divorce. He’s not the guy I want to be with. That’s you. It has always been you.” She gave him a pleading look.
“Lorelai, please stop that”, Luke pleaded and closed his eyes for a second. Then he took a deep breath and looked at her again, the pleading now written in his eyes.
“But Luke we need to talk about that, I need to talk about that. I love you”, Lorelai said, her tone matching his.
“Lorelai, please. You’re upset because your marriage didn’t work out and I understand that, I know how a failed marriage feels like”, he said and wanted to go on, but Lorelai interrupted him.
“It is not about my marriage. This marriage wasn’t right from the beginning. I never loved Chris. It was always you I wanted, Luke”, Lorelai sounded desperate now, because she wanted to make him see, wanted to make him believe her and wanted him back.
“That’s not true and we both know it. I can remember a time not that long ago when you came into the diner and cried about the fact that Chris had dumped you for his pregnant girlfriend and how it is your dream to have the whole package with him. You have it now, maybe you shouldn’t throw it away that easily” Luke said slowly.
“That was then. I thought it was my dream to have that with him. But since I’ve been with you I only want that with you. I want to marry you and have kids with you. I want to wake up and go to bed with you by my side. When Chris started to talk about more kids, it was a shock. The only thing I could think of was “no”. I don’t want him, Luke. I want you. I can’t make my dream come true with anybody else but you”, Lorelai had started to cry now.
“That’s our problem Lorelai. It was only a dream. We both wanted to be meant for each other, but I think all that happened showed that we are not. We do not belong together and never did. Believe me, I really wanted us too and it was my dream to be with you and start a family together. But sometimes dreams can’t come true, because they’re not meant to be. We both need to learn how to move on. I need to understand that loving someone for ten years might not be enough and you need to learn that you can’t go back to what was right some time when the present isn’t what you want. When I let you walk away you went to Christopher. When you two have problems you come to me. I can’t do this Lorelai. Go home and talk to Chris. Make this marriage work if that’s your dream. Forget about us, because we can’t go back. You would always wonder what I might keep from you and I would always wonder when you would run off to Christopher again”, Luke told her and tried to keep his voice as even as possible.
“So you don’t love me anymore? My dream will never come true? Cause it can’t without you. I can’t even think about having someone else’s baby. I can’t think about growing old with someone else”, Lorelai sobbed.
“It’s not about love and it’s not about what I want. It’s just that we’re not right for each other and it hurts enough to get up with that knowledge. Trying and failing again… I don’t think I would be able to get over it again. I told you that my life is not real when you’re not in it and I meant it. But I was able to go and even to talk with you again. But if we fail again, then…” Luke trailed off.
“So that’s it? We’re over?” Lorelai asked as she tried to get some self-control back.
“We were over the moment I decided to keep April from you and you didn’t say a word, although you knew I was hiding something”, Luke said with bitterness in his voice.
“Okay, then I guess I’ll go now before I’ll make an even bigger idiot out of myself”, Lorelai tried to smile.
“You didn’t…” Luke shook his head.
“Good bye Luke”
“Good bye Lorelai, take care”, Luke said and gave her a small wave.
~*~
After Lorelai left the diner she knew she couldn’t go home. Chris was probably still there, and she was definitely not ready to face him. Besides, she needed someone to talk to. Her first thought was to go to Sookie, but then she remembered the conversation she had with Rory when she and Chris came home from Paris. Rory was so mad and partially because her parents got married without her. So instead of going to Sookie’s she drove to New Haven.
Rory opened the door almost immediately after Lorelai rang the doorbell. She was surprised to see her mother standing on the other side.
“Mom?”
“Hey kiddo. Can I come in?” Lorelai asked and tried to act as cheery as possible. She didn’t want to break down in front of Rory.
“Sure.” Rory stepped aside to let her mother in. “What’s going on?”
Lorelai let herself fall into the couch. “How about a cup of coffee and I tell you everything?”
Rory went into the kitchen and filled two cups with coffee. Then she joined her mother in the living room. “So, what’s going on?”
It was then that Lorelai realized that Rory didn’t know about her grandfather. Would Rory understand the whole story if she left out the part where Richard has been diagnosed with cancer?
“Mom?”
“Uhm…Let’s begin at the beginning. Ever since your father and I came back from Paris, things haven’t been perfect between the two of us. We’ve been fighting a lot. It’s like we can’t agree on a single thing. At first I thought that I just had to get used to having him and Gigi around all the time and that I would get used to it. But that didn’t happen. We’ve been fighting more and more lately.”
“Fighting about what?”
“Mostly about Luke and me.” Lorelai confessed.
“What?”
“We became friends again. He called me the night your father and I came home from Paris because he had a problem with April. It wasn’t anything serious. April started her period for the first time and Anna was in New Mexico, but anyway, we started seeing each other more often since.”
“And dad is jealous?”
“Well yeah. But he had nothing to be jealous about. Luke and I were just friends.”
“Were?” Rory had paid attention.
Lorelai sighed. “I went to see your grandmother this morning and we had a long talk and in the end I realized that I don’t love father. I never did. I’m still in love with Luke.”
Rory was even more confused now. “You had a talk with grandma? Did she come to see you?”
Lorelai shook her head. “I went over there.”
“Why? Mom, you’re not telling me everything.”
“I just… I had to take care of something over there and it’s not really important for that matter. She asked me what I would feel if I would lose Chris and I had to admit, that I would be sad, but… but if anything would ever happen to Luke…” tears were now in Lorelai’s eyes again.
“Oh mom”, Rory said and even she was scared by the thought.
“And then my mother told me that I should do something, because life is too short to waste it with an unhappy marriage. I went home, talked to your father and told him that it is over and he should move out. I told him I am still in love with Luke. After that I went to Luke and told him that I love him and that I want to be with him”, Lorelai told Rory and started to sniff when the first tears fell from her eyes.
“I guess that didn’t went that well”, said Rory and lay an arm around her mother.
“No, he said we’re not meant to be and he can’t be with me anymore. He said that it was just a dream. But we’re not… he said it was over when… when he found out about April and didn’t tell me and although I knew something was wrong I didn’t call him on it. Why didn’t I ask him Rory? Why?” Lorelai was sobbing.
“You were occupied and worried. You thought he would tell you if it was something important”, Rory tried to sooth her.
“No, I was stupid. I was so ignorant and self-centred. I should have asked him. No wonder he didn’t trust me, what kind of fiancée have I been?” cried Lorelai.
“Mom, it’ll be all right”, Rory tried again to calm her mother.
“No, Rory nothing will be all right”, Lorelai yelled now, “ I want to be married. I want to have more kids. I want somebody to be there for me and who loves me. I want to come home to someone and share everything with that one person. And I somehow thought your father could be that, but he never had a chance because the only man who can ever give me that is Luke, because he is the only one I ever loved and will ever love. Without him I will become the lonely old cat lady I never wanted to be”, she screamed at her daughter. Rory was shocked and didn’t know what to do. Helplessly she pulled her mother into her arms and stroked over her head, while Lorelai fell apart completely in front of her daughter.
~*~
When Richard came home from his meeting he found Emily in the living room. She looked up with a smile.
“Hey.”
“Hey.” He smiled at her and sat down next to her.
“How was your meeting?”
“Better than I could have imagined.” He leaned in to kiss her.
She raised her eyebrows. “You seem happy.”
“I am. I’m going to be okay.”
“I’ve been telling you that.”
He nodded. “But now the doctor told me. I need surgery but after that I’ll be fine. The cancer is in an early stage and the 5 year survival rate is over 90%.”
Emily didn’t need to know anything else and pulled Richard in a tight embrace. While holding her husband in her arms she couldn’t help but think what a good day it had been. First she had one of the best conversations with Lorelai they had ever had and now she knew for sure that Richard was going to be okay.
Now only her daughter needed to get her life back on track.
TBC
