[Caroe]

Fading

I wake up and I still lay beside my husband who I love more than ever. The return of my memory makes me happy. I want to do lots of things today, the examination isn't one of it. Charlie is coming with me, so it won't be totally wasted time. Before I get up, I place my hand on his breast while he's still asleep. My hand is moving up and down with every breath he takes, while his heart is beating beneath my fingers. Now I feel alive. Actually I've planned to go down stairs to prepare breakfast, but instead I move slowly closer towards Charlie. I huddle against him and rest my head on his chest, while my hand stays where it is.

He’s waking up, at least I think so because his breath becomes uneven and he starts to move his body slightly. Only moments later he places his hand softly on my head and strokes over it. "Good morning." After I've moved my head, I can look into his eyes. "Slept well?" He asks. "Did I have another option?" While I'm answering, a smile appears on my face. "How much time is left until we've to go?" I ask him. Because of that question he's turning to his alarm clock. "Two hours, then we'll still be in time." "That's enough." I reply and turn around to face him completely before I start kissing him.

Two hours are gone, I'm dressed and wait outside the house which Charlie is leaving now too. We're both smiling. While we walk the few steps to the car, he's taking my hand. It's not far to the hospital, so we arrive only minutes later there. I walk directly to a nurse behind the desk who is doing paper work. After I've got her attention, I introduce myself. "I'm Amita Eppes, I've got an appointment with Dr. Howard." She types some words into her computer. "He's with another patient at the moment, but will be here soon, Mrs Eppes. Please take a seat in there, I'll come back to you, when he's ready." While she speaks, she points to a door a few steps away.

We're entering an empty room and sit down opposite of the door. Silence is filling the room for quite some time. During this time my happiness fades and makes space for worries. I don't know why I’m worried, but Charlie seems to notice it because he's laying his hand on my leg and looking at me supportive. "Everything will be okay." I just nod. Again we're sitting silent together.

After 15 minutes the nurse enters. "Dr. Howard is ready. Please follow me, Mrs Eppes." I'm getting up and Charlie's following me. When we pass the door and walk side by side he takes my hand and squeezes it slightly to comfort and to support me. We're walking down the hall, maybe 20 meters until we come to a door which leads into a restricted area. The nurse stops and turns to Charlie. "You can't go further, Mr Eppes." I want to give him a quick kiss but instead he make a step towards me and lays his hands around my back. I press my head close to his chest and feel him and his heart beat again. Then I let go and follow the nurse.

"Please sit down. I need a blood sample from you." She explains while she gets the necessary things from a nearby desk. Then shedisinfects the skin of my ellbow , before she puts the needle into it. Afterwards she puts a small bandage on it. "Now I'll bring you to the CT, where DR. Blake is waiting for you." I listen to every word, but I don't say anything. The weird feeling has returned, although I don't want it. Only a few steps away from the other room is the CT.

"Hello Mrs Eppes. How are you today" The doctor asks me, after I've entered the room. "Since yesterday my memories are back, so I'm actually feeling fine." I hide my true feelings. "That is great news. I didn't expect it to return so soon. But we've to do the CT anyway. So follow me." He leads me into the next room. "Please lay down here. The scan will take about 15 minutes. It'll be very noisy, that's normal. Just relax and don't move." I do as he tells me and lay down. "You're going to slide into the machine now." He explains while he pushes a button. After a few seconds I'm completely disappeared. "I'll be in the neighbour room. Call me if something is wrong."

The door closes and I'm all alone. Then the roaring of the CT starts. My body isn't moving an inch, but my thoughts are wandering off. Now that I remember, I intend to think about them. My first class with Prof. Charles Eppes, our first real date, which was a total disaster, the wedding and so on. After some time and many memories the roaring stops, the door opens and I get moved out of the machine. I slowly get up. Dr. Blake has returned and stays in front of me with my scans and my chart in his hand. "Please follow me."

We're walking to a common examination room where he puts the pictures on a lamp at the wall. "Sit down, please." He points towards a chair. Then he takes a pencil out of his pocket and starts to show me some marked areas in my cranium, while he explains them to me. I listen carefully and understand the words, although I don't want to.

Now I leave the examination room slowly. I don't know how long I've been away, I just know the big NO which I want to scream out loud. But I don't do that, instead I walk outside and down the hall to Charlie. He’s waiting for me, where I've left him. I see him, then I'm falling apart. He is quickly at my side. When I look up, I see dazzling brown eyes.

"What's wrong?" He asks me. Before I answer I look into his eyes and I know he'll be there. "I want to go home. And I want you to be with me." Another glance towards him. "Of course. I already asked a colleague to take my classes. You know I'll be there." Yes, I know that, but I don't tell him Instead I just make another step towards him and lay my rotten head on his chest. His heart is still beating. He probably knows, but I can't tell him. "Let's go." I answer instead.

We are home again. He's made some coffee and tea. I sit on the couch, he sits in the rocking chair. It's the same picture like the day before yesterday, but I want to change it. So I get up, walk towards Charlie and sit down on his lap. My heavy head is resting on his shoulder. He's putting an arm around my back to comfort me. "What's wrong?" He asks. Before I answer his question, I look deep into his eyes. "I'm fading." He places a kiss on my forehead and doesn’t say another word.

Dying