[XxPruexX]

Title: Lady
Pairing(s)/Characters: Andromeda Tonks, Narcissa Malfoy (and cameos of Bellatrix and Draco for explanation's sake); mentioned but still pretty major Lucius/Narcissa
Summary: People say that time heals all wounds, but is it true?
Rating: PG-13
Word count: 5.015
Warnings: Angsty moments, generally a sad fic, (mentioned but major) character death, mentioned (canon) minor character deaths, for trigger(s) see spoilers
Spoilers (Highlight to read): Major character death by suicide
Author's Note: Slightly inspired by Regina Spektor's "Lady"

Lady

Draco Malfoy was a tall, rather skinny boy with pale skin and light blonde hair just like his mother. But all in all he looked more like his father, looked exactly like Lucius. It was amazing how much he resembled him, how much he resembled him in every way, even in his movements, his choice of words…

“Come in,” he said, briefly looking at his opposite, his eyes narrowed. She knew about his thoughts, of course she knew, knew what he seemed to be eager to speak out but held back, for his mother’s sake. For just a second she closed her eyes, once again asking herself why she’d come here, why she’d not just decided to go on, to go on and not look back… But then took a deep breath as she followed him by entering the dark, eerie property with her heart beating in her chest like it had never beaten before.

*

The message of her sister’s passing had reached Andromeda unexpectedly, had hit her without a warning. Over and over again she’d read the letter, until the letters had blurred before her eyes.


I hereby inform you about the death of my mother Narcissa Malfoy. She passed away on Wednesday, November 18th 1999, the funeral was held a day later with myself as the only attendant. She now is buried in the Malfoy family tomb on my family’s residence property. I am also asking you to meet me in Malfoy Manor as soon as possible in order to to discuss some last formalities.
Sincerely,
Draco Malfoy


How formal his tone of voice had been… Like he’d written to a stranger, not his aunt, not his mother’s sister… But weren’t they strangers? Weren’t they nothing but strangers, never having met each other, never having been in contact before? Andromeda did not know, did not know anything. Narcissa… Dead… Her sister, dead! Slowly she sank down to her chair, covering her face with her hands, shaking.

She’d not even had the chance to say goodbye! Had not even had the chance to say goodbye to her sister, her sweet little…

How many years had passed without contact, how long had they lived their lives pretending not to care, pretending to be happy. Had they hoped to forget about each other? She did not know. Did not know anything. How strange had they become to one another over all these years, how many things had happened to…

No. No! She’d not think about all these things any longer, not now, not that she’d lost everything. Her daughter, her husband whom she’d loved more than her own life… And now? Now she’d also lost her sisters. But hadn’t she lost her, hadn’t she lost her entire family already in the minute she’d run away? Hadn’t she lost them years ago? How long had she hoped to reconcile with her sisters, with Bellatrix, with Narcissa… But now? Now they both were gone, would never come back and she’d not even had the chance to say goodbye…

He wanted to see her… Her nephew wanted to see her… But why? Why would he even talk to her, why would he even… No. No, she’d not go there, wouldn’t meet him, not after…

No. Of course she’d go. Of course she’d see him, wouldn’t run away again like she’d run away so many times before. She’d meet him, would finally meet her sister’s son after so many years and maybe… Maybe, even though he was raised like they’d all been raised, they’d finally be able to forget.

*

“My mother left something for you in her desk,” Draco said as they were walking through Malfoy Manor’s endless, barely illuminated corridors. He’d hardly spoken since Andromeda’s arrival, hadn’t even looked at her for longer than just a few seconds.

“So you are the woman my mother once called sister,” his eyes seemed to scream. “The blood traitor, having put shame on her family.”

More than once Andromeda had opened her mouth to speak, wanting to talk to him, wanting to ask him so many questions, but she’d always remained quiet. Dead… Her sister… Dead! Had she even realised what she’d been told in the letter? She did not know. Did not know anything. The past months had been like a dream to her, a dream, a nightmare she was unable to wake up, unable to escape from. All of a sudden she’d found herself living a life she didn’t recognise, a life seeming to belong to someone else.

Like she’d gone into a trance she followed her nephew, would hardly notice how he finally stopped, opening the door to a large bedroom. Andromeda gasped for breath, quickly biting her lip. The scent of death was in the air, still present as if…

“My parents’ bedroom,” the boy muttered, the expression in his eyes having changed all of a sudden, having lost its coldness. For just a second Andromeda closed her eyes, tempted to touch his shoulder, to comfort him but she held back. Of course she held back.

“How…” she whispered barely audible, unable to finish her sentence.

“A potion,” he replied. “She wasn’t the same after my father fell in the war. Her heart was broken, irreparably broken. So one day she decided to…”

He broke off, taking a deep breath. Soon again he’d regained his control, turning away from Andromeda.

“She left something for you in her desk,” he repeated, ready to leave the room. “In the drawer. I am sure that you will find your way out once you are done.”

Quickly Andromeda reached out her hand, wanted to hold him back, wanted to ask him more questions about Narcissa, about himself… But she was too late.

Suicide. So it’d been suicide… Her sister had killed herself, had… Andromeda wanted to scream, wanted to scream as loud as she could, shook her head, over and over again, unable to believe what she’d heard…

“No…” she whispered, covering her face with her hands. “No no no no no!”

This couldn’t be true, Narcissa couldn’t just have… Of course she could. Of course she could have killed herself, of course it could be true… But why? Why! There were so many questions, so many questions she’d never find an answer to…

Why had she come here, why hadn’t she just ignored her nephew’s request to see him? Why hadn’t she just… Was it a trap? Was all this a trap?

My mother left something for you in her desk.

Why hadn’t he just sent her a parcel? Why hadn’t he just sent her an owl, why had he asked her to come here, why hadn’t he just… So many questions, so many answers she’d probably never find…

Dead. Her sister… Dead… Her sister, her once best friend, gone! Gone… How much had she loved her, how close had they once been, sheer inseparable. But then… Then, everything had changed and now Andromeda would never be able to look into her sister’s eyes again, would never hear her voice again. Never.

Absent-mindedly, not even noticing her own movements, she took a few steps forward until she reached the desk, reaching out her hand for the drawer, hesitant at first, but then determined.

She’d almost have started to laugh, a sharp, desperate laugh. Parchment… The drawer contained nothing but parchment! Of course… Of course it couldn’t have been true. Had he just called her to hurt her? To break her heart even more, as a punishment for her betrayal?

Quickly she turned around, wanted to leave, wanted nothing more than to just leave the room her sister had died in, wanted nothing more than to just leave this horrible house and never look back, to just forget she’d ever come here.

But still, she held back, held back not even knowing why, would have another look at the parchment… Andromeda gasped for breath, closing her eyes for a moment just to make sure her imagination had not been trying to fool her. No… No, those weren’t only old pieces of parchment! Those were letters… Letters addressed to her.

Again she reached out her hand, trembling so much that she’d almost dropped the small pack down to the floor. She’d written her… Narcissa had written her, had written her so many letters, so many…

Slowly Andromeda sank down to the floor, determined to throw the letters away, determined to rip the parchment into a thousand pieces, never reading the words written on it, never wanting to spend a single thought on all this again as long as she lived. Wouldn’t the letters only contain insults? Insults, reproaches for what she’d done, for everything she’d been punished for so many years ago? They’d never forgiven her, never. But had she even forgiven herself? She did not know. Did not know anything.

Still, those letters were the last memory of Narcissa she’d ever have, the last remaining proof that they’d once been sisters… She had to open them, had to read them! And wasn’t she also curious? Again Andromeda closed her eyes, taking a deep breath… Then, quickly, as if it had caught fire and would now burn her hands, she opened the envelope, unfolding the parchment, carefully, almost lovingly.

Again she’d hesitate, shook her head, unable to believe what she held in her hands, that her sister had written her… Seconds, minutes seemed to pass until she finally looked down on the letter in her hands. Only three words were written on the parchment, in black ink that slowly had started to fade away during the past years.

How dare you.

*

1971. September.

Tears were streaming down her face as she put down her quill, rising from her desk. She knew it was foolish of her to still cry, to still shed tears over Andromeda’s betrayal, but she was angry, so incredibly angry! So incredibly hurt… Why’d she left her, why’d she left them! She’d run away, had turned away from them as if they’d not even be worth looking at, had betrayed them…

Of course she missed her. Of course she missed her, more than she’d ever dare to admit, wanted nothing more than to just follow her, to see her, one last time, to hear her voice again... Hadn’t they been more than sisters? Hadn’t they also been best friends, always there for each other, always listening? Had it all been an illusion, nothing but an illusion?

How selfish she’d been… How selfish, how… Had she ever thought about them, making the decision to marry a Muggle-born? Had Andromeda ever thought about her family, about how much shame she’d put on them, about how much she’d hurt them? No… No, of course she hadn’t. Of course she’d only thought about herself…

“Cissy…” a cold, quiet voice suddenly said behind her, she couldn’t suppress a wince as she felt a hand on her shoulder. “She’s been gone for three months now; you finally need to forget about her. She’s not worth your tears.”

“I wish I could…” Narcissa whispered, quickly brushing over her face as she turned around, looking into her eldest sister’s dark brown eyes. How much she resembled Andromeda… How alike they looked, almost like twins… “But she’s our sister!”

“Sister!” Bellatrix cried out, again causing her to wince. “She’s a traitor! Nothing but a traitor! Didn’t she leave us, without saying goodbye? Didn’t she just run off to marry a Mudblood, not spending a single thought on us? Look at you, Narcissa; you’re not yourself anymore! She broke your heart and you still call her your sister? Once and for all, forget about her. She’s not a Black; she’s not a member of our family and never was. She’s worthless.”

*

Andromeda bit her lip, shaking her head as the parchment fell down to the floor. Of course she knew why her sister had written to her, of course she knew what she’d meant… Had she ever thought about her sisters when making the decision to leave? When running away, not looking back, when… No. No, she hadn’t, had only thought about herself… How selfish she’d been! How much she’d missed them…

“I never wanted to leave you,” she whispered barely audible, talking to Narcissa as if she were here, here with her, looking at her, her ice blue eyes so full of sadness, so full of reproach… “I only left our parents! Not you, how could I ever leave you, knowing I’d never see you again? But… Understand… Cissy, please… You have to understand! I loved him… I loved him so much… What would you have done? Tell me, what would you have done?”

Quickly she opened another letter, scared of the words it’d contain… But she’d read, would read every single sentence, even if they hurt, even if they hurt more than anything else, knowing she’d never forgive herself if she didn’t.


Andromeda,

How many times have I written you already, how many times have I just thrown the parchment away, too afraid of the consequences. Will I ever finish this letter? Will your hands ever touch the paper that had been lying on my desk for too long, will you ever read these lines, not having torn the parchment apart in the moment you saw my name? I don’t know. There are so many things I do not know, so many things I am eager to find an answer for but unable to ask anyone. So many years have passed; so much time has gone by without us noticing.

Will we ever see each other again? Will we ever stand eye to eye again, will we recognise each other? What has time done to us… I wish I could undo what has been done; I wish I could look into your eyes again without feeling shame burning in my heart. Didn’t we once call ourselves sisters? Didn’t we once call ourselves best friends; didn’t we trust each other? I know we cannot turn back time, I know we cannot forget about the past, but can’t we just make a new beginning? The wars have changed our lives, have changed everything, so can’t we just change as well? Can’t we just… I wish I knew what to do, I wish I knew what to think.

Perhaps it’s impossible. Perhaps we are destined to live our lives separately, pretending we never knew each other, perhaps too much has happened between us to be able to just close our eyes and start anew. Maybe we finally need to accept that we’re not girls anymore...

*

1998. January.

It had already become dark as Narcissa rose from her desk, leaving the letter behind unfinished. For a moment she closed her eyes, taking a deep breath… How many times had she sworn herself not to write to her any longer, how many times had she sworn herself to forget about her, to finally forget about the woman she’d once called her sister… But she couldn’t, just couldn’t! Even after all these years had passed, even though she’d betrayed them, even though she’d left them, Andromeda would still be a part of her, would always be a part of her thoughts, her soul, unwilling to ever allow her to forget.

With a quiet sigh Narcissa took a step forward, looking out of the window, down to the gate… He still hadn’t returned. Lucius still hadn’t returned home, still hadn’t given her a sign that he was alive. How long had he been gone now, how long hadn’t she looked into his eyes anymore? She did not know. Had lost any feeling for time.

Over and over again Narcissa had tried to tell herself that everything was all right, that, one day, he’d come back like he’d always come back… How many times had she begged him to stay? To just stay, not to leave her behind again, never certain if he’d return... But he’d not listened to her. Of course he hadn’t. Had only kissed her, kissed her, looking deeply into her eyes, whispering to her not to worry… But of course she worried! Worried about him every minute, every second he was out, out to fight in a war she’d realised they were destined to lose…

Why wouldn’t he just return? Why wouldn’t he just hold her, tell her that everything was all right…

Narcissa would almost have started to scream as she heard the door to her bedroom open, quickly turned around. Lucius… Could it be Lucius, finally having returned home?

“Draco,” she said quietly, hardly able to suppress the disappointment in her voice. For just a second she closed her eyes, attempting to regain control, not wanting her son to notice her weakness. “Are there any news about your father?”

She’d not even have to wait for his response. Would only look into his eyes to know what had happened, to know that…

“No…” she whispered barely audible, stumbling a few steps back before she sank down to her bed, covering her face with her hands, her desperate attempts to remain calm failing. “No… Please…”

Could it be true? Could her worst nightmare really have come true? Had he… No. No, she’d not even dare to finish her thought. He had to be alive, Lucius had to be alive! Had to be all right… He couldn’t have fallen, not now! Now, that she needed him the most…

“Mother?” Draco’s quiet voice asked behind her back, unable to suppress a wince as she felt his hand carefully touching her shoulder. Narcissa wouldn’t reply, wouldn’t even look at him. Seconds, minutes of silence passed before she finally turned around, opening her mouth to speak, to ask him to leave her alone, but no sound would escape from her lips.

Dead… Lucius… Dead! Only slowly she seemed to realise what had happened, only slowly she seemed to realise that he was gone… Gone, gone forever! That she’d never see him again… Never would she be able to look into his eyes again, never would she hear his voice, never would she feel his touch again… Gone… He was gone…

She’d not even attempt to suppress her sobs, tears started to stream down her face, unstoppably, blurring her sight within only a few seconds. But she’d not bother brush them away, wouldn’t care about her son seeing her in a state like this, wouldn’t care about weakness, about control… No. No, not now, not now that she’d lost him! Now that she’d lost her husband, now that Draco had lost his father… Forever.

*

Over and over again Andromeda shook her head as she finished the letter, barely able to believe what she’d read. Narcissa, asking her for a new beginning? Her sister, asking her to forget about the past, after all these things that had happened? It seemed sheer impossible to even think about it, to even consider she’d ever… Was it possible she could have changed? Was it really possible that Narcissa could have changed, that she’d have been willing to meet her, to meet her, to even reconcile?

Quickly Andromeda put away the parchment, desperately attempting to distract herself from the questions that had come up in her mind. All these questions only one person would have known an answer to…

Why had she come here? Why had she just come here, why had she decided to open the first envelope, to read what had been written on the parchment? Of course she missed her, of course she missed her more than anything else, but… Wouldn’t it have been best if she’d never been told about the letters? Wouldn’t it have been best if she’d just…

No. No… She had the right to know about them, she had the right to read them! Had a right to know about her sister’s feelings, to know about her thoughts. Andromeda gave a quiet sigh, closed her eyes for a moment as she reached out her hand for another letter, scared of the words her sister had written on the parchment… She frowned, hesitating to open it for a moment. The parchment looked different to the others, newer, so much newer, like the drawer had not given it shelter for longer than just a few weeks instead of so many years.

Andromeda couldn’t suppress a wince as she finally opened the envelope, knowing, feeling what she held in her hands. She bit her lip until she tasted blood in her mouth, praying it’d be something else, praying she was mistaken…


My dearest Andy,

I wish I wouldn’t be forced to write you to tell you how much I miss you. I wish I’d be able to look into your eyes again, to hold you, to just hold you and never let you go. Have I ever missed you, have I ever needed you this much than in this moment right now? I don’t know. Who have we become, not to look into each other’s eyes when our paths cross on the street, who have we become, to pretend we are strangers although we once used to be sisters?

How much have we changed… How much have I changed, how much has the war broken me… I barely recognise myself when looking at my reflection in the mirror, when speaking, even when thinking. It’s over, they tell me, the war is finally over; everything will be all right. But has it really finished? Is it really over, will it ever be over for those of us who have lost everything? I used to have so much, but now? Now only my son has remained. My son… My everything... But even he seems to slip away more and more with every day passing.

I love you, Andromeda; I’ve always loved you, even when everyone told me it was wrong. Even when I myself used to believe it to be wrong… Traitor, they called you, blood traitor, putting more and more shame on our family’s name with every day passing. And I? I believed them; I used to believe every word they said, used to believe in something called purity of blood.

I swore myself never to forgive you your betrayal, swore myself never to forgive you having run away without looking back, having left us behind as if we were worthless, as if you’d never cared about us... But now I realise, wasn’t my own behaviour the real betrayal? I gave you up in the minute you closed the door behind your back, blinded by our family’s reaction. Didn’t I betray you in a cruel, unforgivable way?

All you did was follow your heart, too late I realise that your only chance to be happy was to escape. Don’t we all have a right to be happy, without being abandoned by those we love the most? Don’t we all have a right to live our lives like we want them to live, not like we are supposed to, not like we are told to?

I am not asking you forgiveness, nor am I asking you to understand what I have done to you. It wasn’t you, having left, it wasn’t you, having abandoned us; it was us. It was us, being unable to accept that, over the years, our values have become worthless. No. No, I am not asking you for forgiveness, I only want you to know how deeply I regret. If I could turn back time, if I had the possibility to undo what I have done, I would.

I miss you, Andy; I miss you more than anything else. I love you… I wish I would have realised my mistakes, I wish I would have come to you earlier, so much earlier, before we both lost everything…

But it is too late. It is too late to start a new beginning, too late to pretend that we are able to forget about the past. I am not as strong as you are, always going on, no matter how many times you fall. My life on this earth has come to an end; I am no longer able to just go on, to just live my life as nothing but the shell of the woman I once used to be, I once used to know.

Once again I am going to leave those I love the most behind, once again I am… But I have no choice! I don’t have a choice… Please, try to understand. Please, try to forgive me…

I know that, one day, we’ll meet again, that one day we’ll be able to hold each other in our arms again, in a better life, far away from hatred, far away from war. But until then, all I wish is that you won’t forget me.


Love always, even in death,
Narcissa

*

1999. November.

The quill fell down to the floor, leaving behind a large, dark spot of ink on the carpet. Narcissa’s entire body had started to tremble as she rose from her chair, pacing around the room before she sank down to her bed, remaining motionless for seconds, minutes…

Finally, as if she’d gone into a trance, she reached out her hand for the tiny glass phial on her bedside locker, looking, staring at the clear blue liquid it contained... But why’d she hesitate? Why did she hesitate, why wouldn’t she just… She didn’t have another chance! For just a second she closed her eyes, bit her lip…

“Forgive me, Draco…” Narcissa whispered barely audible, winced at the sound of her own voice, shook her head as if she were unable to believe what she did. She’d break his heart… She’d… No. No! She couldn’t stay, just couldn’t! Would be unable to bear this life any longer.

But how… How could she do it, knowing she’d leave her son behind? Knowing she’d hurt him, more than anything else, knowing she’d abandon him just like his father had abandoned them? She had to stay alive, had to learn how to cope, for him! For Draco…

As if she’d ever learn how to cope. As if she’d ever be able to break away from everything that had happened, as if she’d ever be able to forget, to live a life worth living… Never had she spent a thought on herself before, never had she worried about her own life instead of her family’s, never! Hadn’t she only lived for others? So why… Why couldn’t she just let go, now that it was time to let go?

Let go… As if there’d be anything left to still hold her, as if she’d have to lose anything, anything except her son… Draco… Her little boy… Wouldn’t he be able to go on without her? Wouldn’t he forget her, as soon as she’d left this world? Of course he would. Of course…

Again she’d hesitate. Again she’d only look at it, but then, then she’d finally open the phial, would finally bring it to her lips, emptying it at a stroke…

*

She’d been right. Of course Andromeda had been right, of course she’d known what… No. No! She wouldn’t even finish her thought. Just wanted to get up, wanted to get up and leave, forgetting about everything she’d read, forgetting about everything that had happened, but she seemed paralysed, unable to move, unable to even breathe.

Had she ever cried since she’d received the message of Narcissa’s passing? Had she ever shed a single tear? She did not know. Did not know anything… Was empty. Empty… Even her tears seemed to have run dry.

Cissy… Dead… Her sister, dead! Dead! Gone and she’d never return. Why hadn’t she just come to her? Why hadn’t Narcissa just come to her, forgetting about what had happened between them, why hadn’t she just taken heart and just come to her, talked to her?

“As if I could have saved her…” Andromeda muttered to herself, shaking her head. As if she could’ve saved her, as if she could’ve changed anything! Of course not. Of course she wouldn’t.

Over and over again she’d read the letter, until the words started to blur before her eyes. She’d hardly recognized her sister’s handwriting, small and shaky, having lost any shine but never its elegance.

Why… Why’d Narcissa given up, why’d she left them, why had she abandoned her family? Hadn’t she seen what pain she’d cause them, especially her son, her only child? Hadn’t she seen that…

Finally Andromeda rose, just to sink back down to the floor only a second later, her knees, her entire body trembling. She’d still hold the parchment in her hands, would never let release it again. Never.

Her sister… Dead… Dead…

I know that, one day, we’ll meet again, that one day we’ll be able to hold each other in our arms again, in a better life, far away from hatred, far away from war. But until then, all I wish is that you won’t forget me.

One day they’d meet again… One day they’d be reunited, finally reunited, one day they’d look into each other’s eyes again, knowing that everything would be all right.

“I will never forget you, Cissy,” Andromeda whispered barely audible, unable to suppress a wince, hearing the sound of her own voice. “I promise you. Never.”

For just a moment she closed her eyes just to see her sister’s face right in front of her, just to see her smile, her beautiful yet incredibly sad smile. For just a moment she closed her eyes, desperate to pretend that this was just a dream, that all this was just a dream… But she failed. Of course she failed. How much she’d loved her… How much she’d loved her sister, even after everything that had happened, even after they’d lost each other…

The letters, all these letters that had been forgotten for so many years were the last remaining memory of Narcissa, the last remaining proof that they’d once called themselves sisters. Slowly Andromeda turned her head, turned away from the parchment, just away, unable to look at it any longer. Slowly she turned away, feeling tears stream down her face.

[curlie_angel]

Warst du um kurz nach 6 immernoch wach oder schon wieder?

Anyways, ich mag deine FF. Ich find es toll, wie du Narcissa schreibst und ja, die FF is echt angsty aber toll <3

[XxPruexX]

Ich fürchte immer noch xD Und dankeeeee <3 Ich liebe es die Black sisters zu schreiben

Title: Fall
Author: flyingharmony // Avi
Pairing(s)/Characters: Andromeda Black, Narcissa Black, mentioned but very important Druella Black
Summary: Andromeda always loved autumn, but the nightmares changed everything, even her love of fall.
Rating: PG-13
Word count: 3.622
Warnings: Full of angst, drama and self-reproaches, mentions of an important character death

Fall

It all had begun in fall. The start of fall had been the beginning of the end, the start of fall had changed everything. Nobody knew what exactly had happened to Andromeda Black during that time, not her friends, not her sisters, not even herself. She’d always loved autumn, had always loved to sit on her window sill, look out of the window and watch the leaves fall down from the trees or to spend countless hours taking a walk in an ocean of different shades of red and yellow.

But now? Now, she’d not even leave the house, would hardly even leave her bedroom. It was her sister, forcing her to at least take meals in the dining room, to at least talk to her, even if it were only a few words. Narcissa would follow her to her room, afraid to leave her alone, afraid of what’d happen if she closed the door behind her back, and they’d look at each other, would only look at each other for minutes, hours, none of them ever speaking a word.

Their mother’s death had taken its toll on all of them, but most of all on Andromeda. Druella had never been the same again after her husband had fallen in the war, had longed to follow him every day during the rest of her life. Her passing had not come surprisingly for her daughters, only a year after Cygnus had left this world. They all knew that her mother had died of a broken heart.

Soon routine had returned to their lives, but not to Andromeda’s. For her, everything had changed. No one had ever understood the bond that had connected her to her mother, had there ever been any. All they knew was that Andromeda had never forgiven her mother that she had left them so early.

“Never forgive, never forget,” she whispered, all of a sudden, rather to herself than to Narcissa who would still sit next to her, not wanting to leave as if she were afraid of the things her sister could do to herself once left alone.

“I beg you pardon?” she asked quietly, her eyes widened with surprise to hear her sister’s voice.

Andromeda would only shake her head, turning her head to look out of the window, her eyes following the dark silhouettes of the trees located in the garden. “Nothing,” she replied absent-mindedly. “If you might excuse me now, Cissy,I am tired and-“

Now it was Narcissa to shake her head. Carefully she touched her sister’s shoulder for a moment, giving a deep, quiet sigh. “Listen, Andy,” she said. “I know you don’t want to talk to me, but I can’t help you if you don’t trust me.”

“Of course I trust you,” Andromeda whispered. “But you can’t help me, Cissy. No one can help me.”
For a moment she closed her eyes, smiling a shy, barely noticeable smile. “I cannot express how much I love fall,” she said quietly. “Do you remember how we used to take walks in the afternoon, shortly before sunset? The entire world seemed to be covered in this warm, golden light that made us forget about all our troubles for a moment.”

Silence followed, none of the sisters would speak a word, wouldn’t even look at each other until, all of a sudden, Andromeda slowly reached out her hand, touching Narcissa’s.

“You can’t help me, Cissy,” she repeated barely audible. “I-”
She’d not finish her sentence. Broke off, again giving a deep, sad sigh. No. No, Narcissa couldn’t help her, no one could. How many times had she been forced to lie to her, how many times had she pretended to be all right… But she wasn’t all right, of course she wasn’t. What had happened to her during the past months, what had made her lose control, what had broken her? She did not know. Did not know anything.

The nightmares had started long before her mother had died, seemed to drive her into sheer madness. But how, how could she ever talk about them? How could she even ever even lose a word about these dreams, about the things they did to her? Especially now, now that her sisters had their own problems, now that everything had changed? No, she couldn’t talk to them, couldn’t bother them with her ridiculous problems.

But what if she lost her mind? What, if she was about to lose her mind, what, if the nightmares would never stop again? She did not know, did not know anything.

“I know that you miss her,” Narcissa said all of a sudden, breaking the silence, causing her to wince. Andromeda bit her lip, her attempts to control her breathing failing. Why… Why did she have to bring her up, why did she have to talk about her? Now, now that even thinking of her mother seemed to make everything worse… She still wouldn’t turn around, still wouldn’t look at her sister, remained motionless, not speaking a word.

“I miss her too,” she continued, her voice husky, tearful. “Of course I miss her… But-“

She broke off. Andromeda heard her rise from her chair, as if she were ready to resign, ready to leave the room, but then… Then she’d only turn around, sit down on the bed, pulling her close into her arms.

Andromeda could feel tears stream down her sister’s face, could feel her entire body shaking. Again she bit her lip, again she’d only sigh, again she’d remain silent, desperately trying to regain control over her thoughts.

All this seemed so unreal, seemed like a dream to her, like one of her nightmares. She’d never forgive her mother, never! How angry she was at her, how incredibly angry… Why had she left them? Why had she left so early, why had she-

As if it’d been her fault. As if it’d all been her mother’s fault, as if it’d only been her death that had broken her. Of course not. Of course it hadn’t. But still, still she missed her, missed her so much… She’d loved her, had loved her more than anything else, even though so many things had happened over all these years, even though she’d done so much to her, had hurt her so many times…

Never forgive. Never forget.

But hadn’t she been her mother? No matter how many times she’d hurt her, hadn’t she been the woman who’d given birth to her, the woman who’d raised her? No matter what she’d done to her, hadn’t she-

Andromeda wouldn’t even finish her thought. Was unable to suppress a quiet sob, unable to hold back her tears any longer. She’d never cried since her mother’s passing, had never even shed a single tear. But now? Now, that she held Narcissa in her arms, her usually so strong little sister, now that she felt her tears against her skin, she was unable to keep control over her emotions any longer.

“It’s not just mother’s death bothering you…” Narcissa whispered into her ear, her breath finally having normalised. “Isn’t it, Andy? It’s something else…”

She’d not reply. Wouldn’t reply, wouldn’t speak a word. Only closed her eyes, for just a second, then looked at her, looked deeply into her sister’s bright, blue eyes… And nodded. Of course it was. But what? What had changed her so much, what bothered her so much that it even seemed to make sleep intolerable? If only she knew… If only she had the ability to break away from her past, to break away from everything, to start anew, if only she had the ability to be happy…

“Andy,” Narcissa said quietly, taking her hands into hers, giving a deep sigh. “Please. Talk to me. I… I worry-“

She broke off for a moment, as if she didn’t know what to say, as if she were looking for the right words. But then, then again she sighed, shook her head. It seemed to take her great effort to hold back the tears that once again wanted to just uncontrollably flow down her face.

“I worry for you,” she whispered. “I… I hear you scream, in the middle of the night… But every time I look after you, you’re asleep, fast asleep! I… Andy, I don’t want to lose you, too…”

Andromeda gasped for breath, bit her lip as she heard her sister’s voice, as she saw the expression on her face… No. No, she wouldn’t lose her; of course she’d not lose her! How many times had she sworn herself not to lead a life like her mother had led, how many times had she sworn herself to be different. But was she really different? Were her and her mother really this different? They both had loved, they both had made mistakes… Weren’t they just the same?

As if your mother ever loved you.

“Of course she did!” Andromeda shouted, all of a sudden, feeling how Narcissa winced right next to her. “Of course she loved me… Of course she did…”

“Andy-“

“Cissy, you don’t understand… You… You can’t understand! Even I can’t…” Slowly Andromeda got up from her bed, heading for the door as if she wanted to leave, but turned around only a second later. “I… Merlin, I wish I knew what to say. I wish I knew what to tell you, I wish I knew what to think! I can’t sleep any more, I… Every time I close my eyes I-“

Again, she’d not finish her sentence. Again she’d only break off, would only shake her head. No she wouldn’t understand. Narcissa wouldn’t understand, of course she wouldn’t. She had not been hurt like she’d been hurt, she’d not lost everything that had ever been important to her. She’d always been loved by their parents, had always been adored. Not her, not Andromeda. For her, everything had been different. Everything.

“You know how much they loved you,” Narcissa said as if she’d read her mind. “Especially mother. You know how much she cared for you, more than for any of us.”

“She knew I needed her,” Andromeda whispered, barely audible. “She knew how much I needed her but never was there for me. How could she have cared?”

Of course she knew that Narcissa was right. Of course she knew that everything she said was right, of course she was doing her injustice, but she was so hurt, so incredibly hurt! Why wasn’t she there for her now? Why not now, now that she needed her the most? She’d left her, had left them all! So how… How could she ever forgive her?

“Andy,” Narcissa said quietly, reaching out her hand to touch her again. “Andy, I know that she hurt you, she hurt us too! She’s made mistakes, but we all do. You know how hard it was for her to allow herself to feel and admit her emotions, especially towards you, and you know why. Please, don’t blame her for something she couldn’t help.”

Never forget. Never forgive.

Andromeda only shook her head, laughing a quiet, cold laugh. No. No, she couldn’t blame her mother for the things she’d done, of course she couldn’t. It wasn’t Druella who’d broken her, it wasn’t her mother, and it wasn’t her death. So were it the nightmares? Were it really the nightmares that seemed to destroy her? But how could they, if she lost any memory of the dreams as soon as she opened her eyes? How could they break her, if she was unable to remember them each day she woke? She did not know. Did not know anything.

“Cissy…” she whispered, sobbing a quiet, dry sob. “I… I’m going mad… I think I’m going mad!”

Quickly she turned away from her sister, not wanting her to see her in a state like this, not wanting her to notice her pain, but it was too late. Narcissa had already taken her arm, had turned around, would now force her to look into her eyes. She opened her mouth to speak, But Andromeda had been faster than her.

“You said you hear me scream,” she said quietly. “In the middle of the night… I… I don’t know when it started, but… Nightmares, they… they come every night. They seem to haunt me, to- I can’t even sleep any more, Cissy! I’m too afraid to fall asleep, too afraid to even close my eyes… But what can I do? Never sleep again, for the rest of my life? Stay awake until I die? I’m not myself any more… I… I can’t go on any longer… I just can’t!”

Never forget. Never forgive.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Narcissa asked, her voice no more than a whisper. “Andy, why didn’t you tell me earlier?”

“You couldn’t have changed it. You couldn’t have changed it; you couldn’t have helped me… No one can help me…”

No. No one would ever be able to help her, no one would be able to take the nightmares from her, to make her the person she used to be. She had changed, had changed irrevocably, would never be the same again. Was it her fate? Was it her fate never to be happy, to drift away from the world, to lead a lonely life, a life in insanity? She did not know. Did not know anything, did not want her sister to look at her with the same face expression she’d looked at their mother shortly before her death, did not want to worry her, to bother her even more.

Never forget. Never forgive. It’s your fault. It’s all your fault, Andromeda. You could have saved her. But what did you do? Nothing. You did nothing, nothing! You just watched her die. It’s your fault!

“It’s my fault!” she shouted out, not even knowing what she said, not even able to control her words, finally speaking out what she’d never spoken out, finally able to understand what her subconscious had always seemed to tell her. Dizziness would overwhelm her, all of a sudden she was dizzy, so incredibly dizzy… Had Narcissa not held her, she’d have fallen down to the floor, having lost any control over her body. “It’s my fault, it’s all my fault! I could have saved her…”

“Andy,” Narcissa said firmly, holding her tight as she lead her to her bed again, carefully sitting her down. “Andy, listen-“

“No, Cissy… No! You don’t understand… I could have saved her! I could have been there for her! I’m not better than her, no… I wasn’t there for her enough; I wasn’t there! Not even when she needed me the most! It’s my fault… It’s all my fault…”

“Andy… Andy, please… Listen to me… It’s not your fault! It’s not your fault that she died! You know what kind of life she led in the end, you know that all she wanted was to follow father, you know it! You know that you couldn’t have saved her! None of us could have saved her! Not me, not Bella, not you! You were always there for her, more than any of us. Can’t you remember? Can’t you remember how you took care of her in the time after father died? Can’t you remember how sat at her bedside, waiting until she finally fell asleep, can’t you remember how you heard her cry in the middle of the night because she was too ashamed to show any of us her tears? Please… Please, don’t blame yourself for things you could never have averted.”

Never forget. Never forgive.

Andromeda wouldn’t even hear her sister’s words, wouldn’t even understand what she’d said, had only started to sob, to uncontrollably sob, wetting Narcissa’s clothes with her tears. Had it been this? All these months, had she been riven by grief, had it been guilt breaking her, had it been guilt making her lose control, changing her so much? Guilt… Finally she was able to speak out what she’d felt for such a long time, finally she realised what had been happening to her, finally she knew… But how… How could have guilt also caused her nightmares, had they started a long time before her mother had died, how-

Could she have saved her? Could she really have saved her mother, could she really have been there for her more than she was? She did not know, did not know anything. Had she gone mad already? Had she already lost her mind, had insanity already overwhelmed her, taken control over her body, over her mind? So many questions, so many questions she’d never find an answer to, so much-

“Andy,” Narcissa’s voice said right next to her, but she wouldn’t react, wouldn’t reply to her sister, no… Why should she, why should she still talk to her, why should she bother her even more… Wouldn’t everything be better without her? Wouldn’t it be better if she just disappeared, if she left, never looking back?

“Andy…” her sister said again, but again, she’d not answer. Wouldn’t want to speak, wouldn’t even want to think… All she wanted was to sleep, to just fall into a dreamless sleep and never wake up again.

“Andromeda!” Narcissa now shouted, turning her head to force her to look at her, to finally react to her words.

“Listen to me,” she said slowly, her voice firm and cold, in a way Andromeda had never heard her speak before. “It was not your fault. It was not your fault that mother died, you could not have helped her. You could not have saved her. Do you understand?”

Nothing.

“Andromeda, do you understand?”

Andromeda wanted to turn her head, wanted to look away but Narcissa wouldn’t allow her to move, wouldn’t allow her to escape. She nodded, slowly, barely noticeable, biting her lip as she spoke out one single word.

“Yes.”

But was she right? Was Narcissa really right, had it been impossible for her to save her, had it been impossible to help her? Had she really done everything she’d been able to do? She did not know. Of course she didn’t. But how could Narcissa know, too? How could her sister know if Andromeda had done everything she was capable to do? Had she found her? Had Narcissa found her mother, dead in the bathroom, had she held her lifeless body in her arms, unable to move, unable to even breathe? No. No, it’d been her, Andromeda! It’d been her to find her, her to notify her sisters! Not Cissy, not Bella, her! Her sisters hadn’t seen their mother dead, they hadn’t looked into her once so expressional eyes, eyes that had become empty.

Their strong, unbreakable mother had fallen, had left and would never return. How much she loved her, how much she missed her… She’d give everything to bring her back, even her own life.

“She knew she’d die,” Andromeda said, all of a sudden, looking deeply into her sister’s eyes. “She knew and she-“

She broke off for a moment, taking a deep breath, desperately attempting to control her voice, to suppress her sobs. “Do you know what she said to me, the last time we saw each other?” she continued, “Do you know? She… She spoke to me, like she never spoke to me before. It was a farewell! She made her farewell, and I didn’t notice! I didn’t notice, I did nothing. Nothing, Cissy… I did nothing! I should have thought about her words, I… I should have noticed that something was wrong! Instead I just… Nothing. I did nothing… It’s my fault. It’s all my fault…”

“You couldn’t have known,” Narcissa whispered, but Andromeda only shook her head. Of course she could, of course she could’ve known, she should have listened! If she had listened…

Silence followed, none of the sisters would speak a word. They’d only sit there, holding each other, lost in their thoughts, lost in memories. How much had Andromeda fought with her mother. How many times had they hey had arguments about nothing, nothing at all… Nothing of this could be undone, none of these words could be unsaid… How much would she give to talk to her again, once, only once, how much would she give to be able to apologise for everything she’d done, for every time she’d hurt her…

Finally she rose from her bed, placing a soft kiss on her sister’s forehead before she headed for the door, opening it, stepping out of her room.

“Where are you going?” Narcissa asked, causing her to turn around for one last time, to look at her.

“Taking a walk,” she replied. “I… I just need some air.”

“I’ll join you.”

“No. Go to sleep, Cissy, it’s late.”

“Promise me that you’ll come back.”

“I promise.”

She had no memory of when she’d last left the house. Had no memory of when she’d last stepped into the fresh air, of when she’d last felt the cold wind against her skin. She was freezing, had forgot to take her cloak with her, but she didn’t care. Wouldn’t care about anything, not now. Minutes, hours seemed to pass as she walked through the streets, still unable to keep her thoughts in order, to regain control over her mind. Never would she forgive herself for not being able to save her mother, no. Never. And never would she forget.

Slowly she sank down to a bench, far away from her home, far away from Narcissa, far away from the room she’d locked herself into for such a long time. Slowly she’d turn her head, watching a leaf fall down from a chestnut tree, gracefully landing on her thigh.

Never forget. Never forgive.

Her mother had fallen, like the autumn leaves had fallen from the trees and Andromeda knew that, one day, she would fall, too.

[XxPruexX]

Title: And The History Books Forgot About Us
Pairing(s)/Characters: Narcissa/Lucius
Summary: Late at night, Narcissa waits for her husband to return.
Rating: PG-13
Word count: 1016
Genre: Angst, Romance

And The History Books Forgot About Us

Narcissa Malfoy found her home empty as she returned form her outing, late at night. She’d gone everywhere and nowhere, hoping for time to pass faster than when she was inside, waiting, worrying, trapped by her own houses’ walls. Empty. Of course it was empty, what else would she have expected? He couldn’t be back yet, had he only been out for five hours, maybe six.

“Don’t wait for me,” Lucius had told her, like he always told her, placing a gentle kiss on her temple before he turned around to leave the room. Narcissa had only nodded, her eyes still resting on the door he’d passed through many minutes later.

Of course she waited. She always waited for him, whether she intended to or not, would wait until exhaustion overwhelmed her, causing her to fall asleep on the couch in the drawing room, her book still in her hands. Slowly she raised her hand to unloosen her hair, feeling it fall down her back like a thick waterfall of long, blonde locks, quickly glanced at the mirror. Her bright, blue eyes were looking back at her, tired, with a hint of worry. Sorrow.

Slowly she turned around, took a step forward to reach her desk and open the bottom drawer for her collection of phials, but then held back. Just like her mother, Narcissa had always been a master in brewing potions of any kind and difficulty, stored them in their bedroom, close, in case they were needed, especially now during the war. Of course she noticed the disappearing of Calming Draughts and Sleep Potions, but never lost a word about it, just like her husband seemed to consider it a matter of course to remain quiet in his attempts not to worry her.

They were attacking a village tonight, she’d heard him say, far up north. There’d be a battle. She had been unable to suppress a gasp, to keep her eyes from widening with fear. Again she reached out her hand for, like so many times before, opening the drawer and take out another phial, but again she held back. Instead, she opened the window, looked out into the dark. It was a cold, clear night, the sky was covered with a thousand bright stars, illuminating the streets, covering them in a mysterious, silver light. Somewhere, she thought, giving a quiet sigh, somewhere out there he was, amongst others, following a man’s orders, submitting to his will like a servant would to his own.

Somewhere, the night wasn’t as peaceful as it was here, somewhere flashes would cut the air, bright green and red, somewhere, screams would break the silence, the scent of fear lying incessantly in the air.

If only he’d return.

For a moment, Narcissa closed her eyes, inhaling the fresh winter’s air with slow, deep breaths. She knew they expected her to be strong, like they expected them all to be strong, and she was. She was strong, just as strong as anyone else, would always remain strong, even if sometimes it required help.

Absently she turned around to take her book, to leave her bedroom and sit down in the drawing room for just a couple more minutes, but instead she only sank down to the chair at her desk, beginning to take off her jewellery after having a quick look at the clock. It was late, later than she’d expected it to be, nearly half past two in the morning. She was tired; perhaps it’d be a better idea to go straight to bed, to just take a Sleep Potion and close her eyes, not opening them until the sun had risen, instead of falling into a restless sleep far away from her bed, tired of waiting.

Lucius would always wake her when he found her asleep on the couch, gently, by only touching her cheek, like he’d woken her in times that now seemed long gone. He’d then look at her, an expression in his wide, grey eyes that she was unable to read.

Again she closed her eyes, barely noticed how the door to their bedroom opened with a quiet creak, how steps so familiar to her came closer and closer, becoming louder with every second. Slowly Narcissa turned around, her lips forming a smile, relieved yet sad, her eyes widening with fright only a second later. He was standing right in front of her, heavily breathing with exhaustion, his face and hands covered in blood.

It seemed to take her a while to realise that he’d returned, that, for tonight, it was over. That he was alive. But then, then she took another step forward, reaching out her arms to wrap them around his neck, pulling him close to her body, close and even closer, into an embrace she never wanted to end.

Minutes seemed to have passed when she released the embrace and sat down on their bed, right next to him, still looking at him, still looking deeply into his eyes. Slowly she took out her wand from her pocket as she rolled up his sleeves and whispered quiet spells, watching his wounds slowly disappear, leaving his skin behind unblemished, as if nothing had happened.

“Let’s go to sleep, Cissy,” Lucius eventually said, his voice hoarse, tired. Narcissa only nodded, beginning to undress herself. She wouldn’t lose a word about his return, wouldn’t question him about the wounds, about what had happened while he’d been gone, would only go on as if nothing had happened. As if everything was all right, as if their future wasn’t indefinite, as if they both knew that from his next journey he’d return, too.

He’d already laid down when Narcissa finally pulled up the drawer in her desk, taking out two tiny phials, filled with a clear, purple liquid. Soon later her head, too, finally touched the pillow, quickly she swallowed the potion, just like her husband did, closed her eyes only a second after. She smiled when his quiet snore began to resound in the room, then, too fell asleep, her hand still connected to his.

[XxPruexX]

Title: Her Sweetest Downfall
Pairing: Narcissa/Lucius
Rating: PG-13
Prompt: #01: “What about you? Are you happiest and saddest right now that you’ve ever been?” “Of course I am.” “Why?” “Because nothing makes me happier and nothing makes me sadder than you.” –Nicole Krauss
Content Information/Warnings: Mentions of a miscarriage
Summary: It’s his indifference that hurts her the most.
Author's Notes: A huge thank you for my ever-wonderful beta D for… well the beta’ing and all the support! Without you, my muse would have left me more than once.

Her Sweetest Downfall

They hadn’t spoken for weeks; wouldn’t even look at each other. Narcissa Malfoy had no memory of when she’d last seen her husband, whether it had been days or weeks. Night by night she waited for him to come to her, to return from wherever he had gone, and night by night it would be in vain. She had stopped counting the hours long ago, had lost the strength and will to feign indifference. She was not indifferent towards him, had never been. There were no words to describe the agony it caused her to look into his eyes, to even smile at him and see nothing in return - nothing at all.


Would he ever notice that his behaviour broke her heart? More than once she’d asked herself the same question; was he aware of what it did to her? Even if he were – would it change anything? Narcissa knew about his affairs; what a fool she’d been to assume he was faithful to a woman he seemed to despise.


If only he did despise her. If only they fought. If only they argued, if only the expression in his eyes would show any kind of emotion! Even hate would be better than his cold, cruel indifference that hurt her more than words, more than actions, more than anything else.


Worthless. He had made her feel worthless, from the moment of their wedding. But how was she entitled to judge his actions – if, perhaps, it was true? What if it was all true, what if her love was not worth anything, what if she-


“Just look at you, Narcissa,” she muttered to herself, shaking her head in disgust. “Twenty-four years old, married for over six years and still without a child. What is he supposed to think of you? How is he supposed to feel?”


She still had not given him a child, still had not borne an heir. But how could she, if he refused to sleep with her down to the present day? If he still blamed her for the miscarriage she had suffered only six months after their wedding, if he never touched and never even looked at her any more? 

How happy she had been when they’d been married, happier than she had ever been before in her life. It had been like a dream to her, becoming the wife of the man she loved, a dream she’d never wanted to wake up from.


But she’d been blind, too blind to notice the change of expression in his eyes; they had become empty in the moment he became her husband, as if they’d had a choice. As if it had been their choice to get married, as if it had been love and not a contract signed by their fathers to seal their bond. Narcissa had accepted her fate long ago, long before their wedding; she had considered herself lucky to marry Lucius Malfoy, whom she’d considered her closest friend since childhood. The years had passed and she grew fond of him until, by the day of her wedding, she felt nothing but deep, sincere love; a love that would remain unrequited.

Her husband had never seen her tears; he would never know about all the countless tears she had shed and would shed, forever. But how could he have noticed them if he’d never been there for her; how could he have known? And how could she blame him, if she had done everything to hide them?


You’re losing him, she thought, her hands starting to shake at the mere thought. You’re losing him, even though you never had him.


As if her memories had conjured them, tears started to flow down Narcissa’s cheeks: slowly at first, then fast, unstoppable, almost like a waterfall. She held her breath in desperate attempts to suppress the sobs, covering her face with her hands.


He’d be her downfall. Her sweetest downfall, causing her nothing but sorrow. But why was it then that he filled her with so much joy?


Slowly without her noticing, the door opened. Narcissa turned her head, her eyes widening with surprise as she heard steps at her back; she almost screamed as she found her husband had entered the room. He looked tired, old, as if the past weeks had made him age several years. Quickly she raised her hand to brush away the tears, but it was still trembling, not allowing her to regain control over her movements.


"Narcissa," he said, the sound of his voice causing her to wince. When had he last spoken out her name? Had it been weeks? Months? "Are you all right?"


Quickly she turned away from him, ashamed of her weakness, ashamed of having broken down once again, even though she’d sworn to herself to remain strong so many times. "Yes," she replied, her voice hoarse, no more than a whisper.


As if he cared.


"Don’t lie to me," he snapped, taking her arm to make her rise, as if he wanted to be eye to eye with her. "Look at me."


She didn't move, only stood there, turning her back to him, afraid to speak, afraid to breathe. Why had he come to her? Had he grown tired of his life alone, deciding now to claim what he thought was due to him? How many times she had longed to have him by her side, to feel his skin against hers, his arms around her waist, holding her, supporting her, whenever she needed him - but now? Now even the thought of his touch disgusted her and made her want to scream.


How much she loved him - but she understood that he would only hurt her, that his indifference toward her would never change, but only continue to tear her apart into a thousand pieces.


"Narcissa," he said again, his voice sharp, causing her to instinctively turn around. For a split second, no longer than a heartbeat, their glances met, causing her to lose balance, to stumble. She would have fallen if he'd not caught her with a single movement of his arms.


"Let go of me," she whispered, but her strength seemed to leave her in the moment he released his grip. Firmly he pulled her into his arms, holding her, unwilling to let her go again.


His eyes were expressionless. Still, she was incapable of looking away, as if a magical force kept her from turning her head. Expressionless...


No.


No! Was it her mind, attempting to fool her? Was it just her imagination, or - No. No, for just a second the look in his eyes had changed, had shown a hint of - worry?


Could it have been worry she’d seen flashing in his eyes? Again Narcissa felt tears against her skin, rolling down her cheeks; she closed her eyes with shame. She knew that she had lost the battle against her tears long ago, knew she had no choice than to allow it to happen.


"You don’t think that a man, too, deserves to be loved, do you?" Lucius asked her quietly, all of a sudden breaking the soothing silence. His voice had lost any harshness, becoming sad, almost soft.


"You didn’t want mine," she whispered.


Now it was his turn to gasp for breath. His eyes widened with surprise, but only a moment later he regained his composure. Yet, something seemed to have changed. "I never thought you’d give it," he said, barely audible.


Narcissa turned her head away from him, but barely a second later found herself looking at him again. Silence followed, not giving her comfort this time like it always had before. How little they spoke even now, now that they seemed closer to one another than they had ever been before. But still, something had changed between them; something had changed everything.


"You look sad," he said quietly, gently; Narcissa only shook her head, biting her lip in an attempt to suppress another sob.


"What about you?" she asked eventually. "Are you the happiest and saddest right now that you’ve ever been?"


"Of course I am."


"Why?"


"Because nothing makes me happier and nothing makes me sadder than you."


"How can you say that?" she whispered and again, like so many times before, felt her heart burst. "When I know that you find comfort in other women, rather than your wife?"


Again he gasped; again his eyes widened, this time with fright. "No," he breathed. "No. There never was anybody else but you, never! How can you assume I’d be able to hurt you in that way?"


"As if you cared about me!"


"Narcissa..." Lucius fastened his grip around her body, as if he wanted to prove to her the opposite. "Is there something - anything - that I might have done or said to upset you?"


Again, silence. Narcissa closed her eyes as if it helped her to escape, to escape from him. Was he taunting her? Was it all just a farce to taunt her, to humiliate her?


"Six years," she breathed. "Six long years I longed for a sign that you cared, to show me any kind of emotion. I never expected love from you; never. All I wanted was to know-"


For a moment she broke off; she opened her eyes again, looking at her husband, looked deeply into his eyes.


"But you gave me nothing," she continued. "Nothing at all! As if I wasn’t worth your feelings. Night after night I waited for you in vain, worrying, crying myself to sleep because once again you had disappeared. I needed you, Lucius, especially after I lost our child! I still need you! But you don’t care. You never cared. It’s not your words that hurt me – how can they, if you hardly speak to me? No. It’s your indifference."


For a moment he let go of her, as if he were in shock at her outburst. He didn't reply, only looked at her, looking deeply into her eyes. Narcissa only shook her head and turned around, away from him, ashamed and disappointed. Why had she allowed herself to hope, to hope that they still had a chance? She turned her head and took a step forward but he took her wrist, pulled her back into his arms - not to keep her from falling but to hold her, to just hold her like a husband held his wife.


"I was never indifferent," he whispered into her ear. "You just didn’t look deeply enough."